I JUST WANT TO BE REALLY GOOD AT SOMETHING.
That’s what this feeling is. That’s what I’m feeling. I just want to be really, really good at something.
40 years is enough time to be good at something.
And although I have done lots of things – travel, study, live abroad, work abroad, had a career, had another career, tiled a bathroom, had writing published, run a couple of blogs, lived alone, got married, had kids, tried every hobby and activity going, I’m not really an expert on any of it.
That’s what I’m feeling. I’m 40. There should be something I am really good at. Right??
I am the archetypal jack-of-all-trades.
I can do lots and lots of things reasonably well. I get to a moderate level without too much trouble, but I can’t do anything really well.
And losing pregnancy after pregnancy is not helping my feelings of competence.
From competence comes confidence – scientifically proven – and that’s what I need.
I need to be good at something.
And if I can’t be good at making a baby, then I have to find something else I can be good at while I’m failing to be good at what I really want to be good at.