You Know What?

I JUST WANT TO BE REALLY GOOD AT SOMETHING.

Revelation.

That’s what this feeling is. That’s what I’m feeling. I just want to be really, really good at something.

40 years is enough time to be good at something.

And although I have done lots of things – travel, study, live abroad, work abroad, had a career, had another career, tiled a bathroom, had writing published, run a couple of blogs, lived alone, got married, had kids, tried every hobby and activity going, I’m not really an expert on any of it.

That’s what I’m feeling. I’m 40. There should be something I am really good at. Right??

I am the archetypal jack-of-all-trades.

I can do lots and lots of things reasonably well. I get to a moderate level without too much trouble, but I can’t do anything really well.

And losing pregnancy after pregnancy is not helping my feelings of competence.

From competence comes confidence – scientifically proven – and that’s what I need.

I need to be good at something.

And if I can’t be good at making a baby, then I have to find something else I can be good at while I’m failing to be good at what I really want to be good at.

8 thoughts on “You Know What?”

  1. I think this may be a feeling many of us ttc’ers and mothers go through. And perhaps you have a touch of perfectionism thrown in there too? We focus so much of our attention on our dream to have a/another baby that our focus/efforts elsewhere slack off. I’m certainly feeling that way too. I’ve decided to give IVF one more go, then I’ll go back to the less time consuming IUIs and focus on my work again. I know I’m unhappy where I am but I can’t stop wondering if I would have moved on to another job sooner if I weren’t preoccupied with trying to have another baby. Maybe this comment was a bit of my own venting, but if there’s any part that helps, then I’m glad. This stuff sucks. I wish you luck in finding your “thing”. Xx

  2. It does help – I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels that everything else is slipping because ttc just takes up too much time and emotional energy. And yes – you’re right about the perfectionism. It’s something I’ve always struggled with and always beaten myself up over. I just can’t seem to move on until I’ve completed this “goal”. I’ve been in limbo for years! It’s horrible.

  3. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve felt the same way at times too…I’m 36 and I’m not excellent at anything. I’m good at a lot of things, but I just feel like so many other people can do “whatever” better. I guess we all feel this way at least at some point in our lives, and it sucks. I hope you’re able to find something that you love and can excel at to help pull you out of your funk!

  4. I wish these feelings of self-doubt didn’t exist, yet I too feel them so strongly. I really feel like RPL has made me re-evaluate my entire life and now I feel like I’m “failing” at so many things in life. I used to be so confident and self-doubt never entered into my mind like it does now. Someday’s its tough. That said, I hope one of these days I’m going to figure it out and I hope you do too!!

    • I hope so too. Wouldn’t it be great in a year or two to look back and know that we found ourselves amid all this mess and misery? I’d like that a lot xxx

    • Thank you – I skimmed this the other day (i think i saw it on your facebook?), but have just read it properly. Love the backpack analogy. Love the idea of a toolkit to help yourself and others, created from your own hurts. What a simple and inspiring post… life is always going to be messy and I am always going to be me. There’s a kind of relief in that, to be honest. A perspective that’s easy to miss x

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