Waiting

We’ve just got back from a lovely holiday with the boys. I spent the whole time looking out for families with three children to see if they looked happy or stressed. Most of the people we saw had one or two kids. Maybe all those with three couldn’t afford a holiday…

As far as our family goes, I’m in the two week wait (I think). I stopped taking the pill at the end of April and my cycle has always been regular, so there is a chance I might get pregnant straight away.

With both of my previous pregnancies I conceived immediately – literally the same month that we started trying. However it wasn’t all plain sailing – I had two consecutive miscarriages before I managed to carry a pregnancy to term. My problem isn’t getting pregnant, it’s staying pregnant.

Which of course means that the first trimester (my personal miscarriage zone) is going to be a worrying time, no matter what I do. I am also terrified of miscarriages and birth defects because of my age (37).

I’ve had a bit of lower backache the last two days, which could mean anything. My periods were so painful and heavy after my second pregnancy that I went on the pill simply because I didn’t want to deal with them along with all the sleep deprivation and care of a newborn and toddler (I failed at breastfeeding – again – so that wasn’t an issue). Anyway, I don’t usually get backache days before my period starts, but remember getting it in early pregnancy with both boys, so that could mean something’s up.

Also I’ve gone right off wine – very unusual for me, ha ha!

I think today must be about day 23 of my cycle, so have a few more days to wait.

Must try to stay positive – if I end up pregnant I want it to be a lovely, relaxed, enjoyable journey. Not a fretful, worrying, anxious time where I spend every waking moment thinking that I’m going to lose the baby or else that something is going to be fundamentally wrong.

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