Uncertain

I had a big wobble over IVF this weekend. I told DH I wasn’t sure about it any more. That I wasn’t sure my heart was really in it.

He said no need to decide now, so we’re going to our consult tomorrow, and we’ll get the infection screening and my AMH test done, and the results of DH’s SA. Then we’ll have a bit of time to decide whether to go ahead (assuming of course that we don’t end up with a rubbish SA or useless AMH result after that).

We’ve been talking, on and off, about getting a dog.

Yeah, yeah, I know this is a giant cliché, but in a weird kind of way, it would help us. Dogs are loving members of the family, and require time and commitment, both of which I have bucketfuls of stored up ready for the baby that never came. We haven’t mentioned it to the boys, but they would be beyond excited at the idea of getting one. And my Dad is a very active retiree with a garden and he owns two areas of woodland that he manages, so we have a dog holiday option too (I haven’t mentioned it to my Dad yet ;-).

I’ve always loved dogs and we grew up with them in our house, right from when I was born to when my mum left home and took them with her (I was 16), so I know all about the downsides of them, and the importance of training. I just can’t get past the feeling that there is a missing someone in our family. Maybe that someone could be a canine, instead of a human…

And the other things I’ve been thinking… how long ago all the baby stuff seems now. How difficult it would be to go back to that. How tiring, and how much I’d worry about having two kids so close together, and a third out on a limb, so much younger. I’m worried that the big gap would make me want another baby, all over again, so I could give the youngest a closer sibling, and that we’d be stupid enough to get into this whole cycle all over again.

And all that stuff in the loft… I keep thinking about the massive decluttering session I could have by letting it all go. How nice it would be to have that empty space.

And how nice it would be to have that empty space in my head, to say goodbye to almost three years of this madness and really focus my energies on something else, something that stood a chance of coming to fruition.

And of course, my youngest starts school in six months. For the first time in 6 years that will leave me with free time every, single day, to start working on bringing in some money with a sustainable freelance business of some sort. And if I can bring in some money, that means better quality of life for all of us. If I get pregnant now… that will go on hold for another 6 years.

And holiday options for us, now our children are clearing the toddler phase… they are much better. We can be more active, more adventurous, and maybe, if I can get back to earning a little money, we can see the world together.

So, there we are. All these things rattling around in my head.

It kind of feels like the right time to stop. This cycle and next cycle are the last two chances I have to have a baby in 2015, and also, coincidentally the two cycles that will take us to exactly 3 years of trying. 3 years is a damn good effort, and seven failed pregnancies in that time has been a rough ride.

And let’s not forget that I turn 41 at the end of this year. I always said (and it was a big deal when we passed the milestone that would take me into having a baby at 40+), that I didn’t want to be having babies in my forties.

I should also make it clear that I say all of this sitting high up on the fence. I’m looking down at two alternate futures here, and I can see good and bad things about both of them. If I found out I was pregnant this cycle, I’d be over the moon, but if I’m not… well, I think I’m done with the sobbing and crushing heart-ache that comes with each monthly bleed.

So, we have a big, big decision to make in the next two weeks. This IVF thing is hanging over my head and as much as I want to know we tried EVERYTHING, I’m not 100% committed to the idea right now.

That may well change, but today I feel a strong sense of how much I want to move on.

8 thoughts on “Uncertain

  1. Oh lovely Rose, after 3 years and 7 losses you cannot say you haven’t tried. You have done everything to make this dream come true for you. You will probably get the dog and then the baby will turn up but hey, if that’s what happens then so be it. Whatever decisions you make we will be right here with you as your little cheer squad. I can certainly understand your uncertainty.

  2. Thanks Em. I’m all over the place at the moment, but I do feel that I’m making a bit of a significant transition. That maybe I can build a life without bitterness and misery over all our failures. I think, more than ever, I want happiness, and TTC hasn’t brought me any.

  3. There are a lot of “what if’s” and directions that your life can go. You don’t need to make a decision now. You can do the information collecting, and decide later. Whatever happens, it sounds like you will make a happy life. That is, once all of this TTC stuff is over. I know that has been a really rough and unfair ride.

  4. I think it’s a great idea to go to the consult, and then think on it for a week or 2. I love the idea of a dog for your family! But of course, I’m an animal freak, so of course I’d like that. 🙂 It sounds to me like you’ll be able to make peace easily with whatever decision you end up making. Vacations are awesome…that’s the ONE thing that really nags at me about starting a family, because B and I like to go on little weekend getaways whenever my schedule allows, and we won’t really be able to do that with a baby. But I know eventually we’ll be able to again…but you’re already at that point, and how fun to be able to take your boys with you! I’m so happy that you sound like you’re doing better with all of this though 🙂

  5. I think you are right to second guess how to proceed right now. Moving to IVF is a pretty big step to take, and deciding to move on with life is an equally big step. A you’ve said here, both paths have significant impacts on your life, which means both options are worthy of consideration.
    But, i think your husband is right, you don’t have to make that decision today. Go to the consult, absorb as much information as possible and reassess over the next few weeks. I am confident, given how reflective you are, whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

  6. I love that you are finding peace, but I still feel for you. It really must be so hard to say goodbye to that dream you’ve held onto for so many years, regardless of whether it’s the right decision for your life or not.

    I wanted to let you know I started the handstand challenge tonight! I was shocked to find I could already do a 60-second wall plank. Crazy what you find inside yourself when you have the courage to look and to try. I can’t wait to continue to challenge and see what I can do!!!

    • That is brilliant! I’m still working up to 60 seconds. I can do 40, but I’m really suffering with blood to the head. I think I need to practice hanging my head off the edge of the bed or something to get used to it!

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