And I get my test results back from the hospital.
13dpo today, AF due tomorrow and this morning’s test was negative. I knew it was – I have been symptom-free this month so was pretty certain nothing was happening. And these days I don’t really expect anything to happen. My hope has been crushed over the course of the last 15 months.
So, my results.
You know what? I’m kind of hoping I go in there and the doctor tells me I have some chromosomal abnormality and that having had two children already has defied the odds. Then I can come home and be grateful and happy and just STOP thinking about getting pregnant again.
If there is something wrong with me, it kind of gives me a reason to stop. Because I can’t find a good enough one of my own.
I’d probably be happier in the short-term, but what about 10 years on. Will I look back and think I was a complete idiot for not trying longer?
I have a friend’s baby shower to attend in 12 days, which I have been dreading. I knew fate would never give me a BFP before it arrived, so maybe that’s why I am so unsurprised that this month is negative.
I’ve been thinking as much as possible about all the reasons to stop. There are lots. We did this debate back in early 2012 before deciding to start trying, so I’ve already covered every reason 50 times.
There is a whole life out there for me to live, and I’m know I am infinitely lucky and blessed to have the family I have. Having two children under two, with no support from family, was hard work, and it has continued to be hard work, but a lot of the time now it is not as all-consuming, exhausting and debilitating as it once was.
My boys are growing fast and a whole new horizon is in view with endless possibilities for activities and adventures for us all.
Throw a newborn into that picture and it looks a little different.
I always wanted really close age gaps, so I’ve missed the boat for the three I wanted within four years.
I’m rambling. I don’t even really know what to write.
It’s raining here, I’m feeling miserable, conflicted, full of self-doubt, and I hate it.
I like to have purpose, to be moving, planning, creating, building, learning, experiencing, loving life.
But I’m just stuck at a desolate junction and I’ve been here too long now.
Whatever I do, whatever happens, whatever decisions I do or don’t make, I want to live life successfully.
I want life to be full of love, happiness and adventure.
The thing is, I can think that way, but when it gets to ovulation time, can I make the decision NOT to try? Can I ignore that egg and say No, I’m done with that now.
I have a feeling I will just lie there crying in the dark.