Well, I’ve been thinking about this sort of post for a while.
I am trying so hard to move on, and I am making progress – I feel it in myself. I know that life will be OK if we are destined to be a family of four, I just need to reach and then get over the END OF TRYING TO CONCEIVE.
And it’s on the horizon. I don’t want to keep on doing this. I am secretly (of course) hoping that I will fall pregnant at any moment, but I think maybe my days of having babies really are over. Maybe my body really is done and my mind (my heart) has just got to catch up.
And that is OK too.
I’ve stopped temping on the second half of this cycle. After ovulation I now have enough historic data to know that my temperatures mean NOTHING in the two week wait. Last month my chart went triphasic (a second thermal shift after ovulation, usually associated with pregnancy) on the day I started spotting before AF.
There is nothing in my temperature that can help me after ovulation, so I’ve stopped doing it. I feel better for it.
I’m planning on not testing any more either. I still have tests in the house. My rationale for early testing has always been the correlation with late implantation and miscarriage. I wanted to know if the test was positive early so that I could eradicate a potential miscarriage factor.
But that doesn’t matter either. Because you either will miscarry, or you won’t. There’s no in-between and it can be down to a 1,000 factors (so it seems – just google anything + miscarriage to find a link). If it happens, it will happen. Worrying about a late implantation and expecting a miscarriage isn’t going to make it easier, and it isn’t going to help a healthy pregnancy either.
So. Not testing. That’s the plan. I’ve never not tested, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to hold out on this, but I think it’s an important step forward, so I’m giving it a go.
I’m 4dpo so far, and as yet, no emotional madness this cycle. I have set myself a target (and I fully reserve the right to change my mind), of easing off of all this baby stuff and making my October cycle my last try. That’s two more after this current one.
Each day I think about the fact that my journey is nearly over. And I try to think about all the good things that will mean for all four of us.
Most of all, I need this book proposal to be accepted, because if it is, it will give me something new to obsess over, something productive, and something that is in my control, which is infinitely more satisfying than dealing with something that I have zero control over.
What about this blog? I have felt an aversion to it over the last few weeks, because of its title and its original purpose.
For 16 months it has sat here accepting my thoughts and plans and sharing them with the world. And it has helped me connect with amazing, amazing people who I wish lived down the road so that I could have a coffee with them and share my day.
I have a choice – either I start a new blog elsewhere, or I carry on with this one and live with the url like a scar on my heart of a dream that was never realised. What is it they say about not counting your chickens before they hatch…
Do I carry on here for now? Make a fresh start as part of my process of letting go? I don’t know the answer to that either.
I think for now, I’ll be around.
If that changes, I’ll be sure to leave a forwarding address.