Thinking About 2015

New Year has always been a very special time for me. A time for reflection, and planning. A time to take stock and evaluate how I’m doing and what I could do better.

Now that Christmas is subsiding and our days are spent lounging around at home indulging in too much food, drink and TV, there is a heavy weight on my mind.

Pregnancy.

But, before that, my miscarriage. It still hasn’t happened. I’m still waiting to pass the gestational sac. I had some very, very faint contractions this morning, and a few last night in bed, but aside from effectively a light period bleed, nothing else. I’m hoping it’s not going to be too much longer, but my body always has such trouble letting go of these lost babies. I wanted to start the New Year with all this in the past, but as the days slip by it’s looking less likely.

But, trying to move on…

DH and I have talked a lot over the last couple of days about everything and the subject of IVF has come up again. We will have been trying three years on our own in April. Three years that I have been in stasis… waiting, waiting, waiting for my life to feel complete. Waiting, waiting, waiting for the family I always thought I was supposed to have.

I’ve been mentally better this year, 2014, than I was in 2013. My depression was quite severe back then (probably combined with likely post traumatic stress on almost losing my life during a very bad miscarriage), and I was crying pretty much every day. Now, I’m functioning like a “normal” human for the most part, but I cannot motivate myself to fully move on while I am still expending so much energy thinking about HOW I can have this baby I’ve been trying to have for so long.

I want to get past this, but I know that the only way I can get past this “easily” is to just bloody well have another baby. Anything else is going to take years of grief, loss, bitterness and finally (hopefully), acceptance before I can focus on life outside of this TTC prison.

Which has brought us back to IVF. Somehow (rightly or more probably, wrongly), it gives the comfort of doing something.

I want this baby so much. It’s like a hole in my heart and a dark place in the corner of my life that no light can touch.

Twice I have tried to walk away, with brief success, but never have I let go of the dream. Would I ever even be able to?

There are two clinics that we could travel to.

I looked at the live birth rate, which is given for the 40-42 age group for IVF (2012):

Clinic 1: 10 live births, out of 67 cycles. 122 embryos transferred in total.
Clinic 2: 0 live births, out of 26 cycles. 48 embryos transferred in total.

So, 14.9% success at clinic 1, and a big fat ZERO % success for IVF (for 40-42 year olds) at clinic 2.

The cost of this, is in the region of £5,000 – £6,000. The price of a decent car. Or four great family holidays. Or more than half a (desperately needed) new kitchen. For a one in seven chance of having a baby (and that’s at the better clinic of the two).

DH and I agreed that if it worked we wouldn’t begrudge a single penny of that money.

But if it didn’t…

But on the other hand, I don’t want to spend another year like this. Waiting, hoping, miscarrying. Finding myself at the same point for the third Christmas in a row at the end of it.

We were supposed to be done by now. We were supposed to be finished with all this crazy trying to get and stay pregnant bullish*t.

What are we going to do?

I hate not having a plan, I hate not being in control, I hate how this has panned out over the last few years.

Sigh.

I suppose the thing that frightens me the most, the main reason I haven’t been able to contemplate IVF seriously, is that I am terrified they will transfer a great looking egg, and I will lose it anyway in the first trimester because all of my eggs are just so crap and I am just too old and too worn out.

11 thoughts on “Thinking About 2015

  1. I’m sorry you are struggling. Have you thought about going out of country for IVF? I went to Czech (Reprofit) because for me it was 1/3 the coat even with all my travel costs. Hoping 2015 brings you child number 3

    • Wow, I’d never even heard of reprofit. I had a look at their site and reviews. Looks good – and SO much cheaper, even with travel, as you say. I am so heavily anti-doctor though, and with my history… big decision. Thank you for pointing this out – definitely something we will look at.

      • I hear you about doctors, I would have your FSH & AMH tested to know if you are even a good candidate for IVF. I started at 41 wanting a 3rd baby, did probably dozen IUIs, one IVF at 42 spent way to much $$s in USA before going to Reprofit at 46 for donor embryos, delivered b/g twins at 47 we are over the moon & can say our family is complete.

        • What an incredible story! Thank you for sharing. I will ask about AMH. I had FSH tested as part of recurrent mc work up which was fine. Gosh – you must be one strong woman to have gotten through all that! X

  2. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time with this. I hope you both come up with something that works out and will give you peace of mind in the new year.

  3. Hi Rose, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I have only suffered one mc, but just don’t seem to get prego easily. Have you considered donor eggs? IVF success rates seem to be much higher when donor eggs are used, as age doesn’t seem to affect the womb quality in the same was as egg quality…

    • Yes, I’d noticed the big difference in donor egg success rates. Quite revealing isn’t it? Personally I wouldn’t use a donor, despite the bad odds for my own eggs… Just not something I could be comfortable with. Sigh. I never, ever imagined we would be where we are now. Crazy. Maybe I’m crazy even trying after all this time.

  4. Oh Rose it’s such a hard road and I admire your resilience so much. You know it can’t hurt to go and speak to a clinic. Just have a chat. Sure they’ll charge you through the nose for it but you can tell them your story and see what they say. If you don’t like what they have to say then you don’t need to proceed. And these things are not immediate anyway. Your hubby sounds like such a keep which is so important when you are going through all this stuff. Thinking of you xxx

    • Thank you Em. Yeah – I should sing his praises much more than I do – I’m far too introspective on here! We’ve pretty much decided to go for the initial consultation. I just haven’t made the phone call yet…

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