Since deciding that this TTC cycle I am going to be tackling my stress levels, I’ve been thinking a lot about the mind-body connection. Or in other words, the way that what we think about, and how we think, affects our wellbeing physiologically.
This may just be a series of coincidences, but I want to talk a little about my miscarriage and my chemical pregnancies.
At some point during my pregnancy last summer, after a fair amount of reading online, I remember having a discussion with DH about how some women turned up for their 12 week scan only to find that their baby had died. I can’t remember exactly when this was, but at 11.5 weeks, after a tiny, tiny amount of spotting, I went for a scan and found out our baby had died. I remember saying to DH that I wished I hadn’t told him that such a thing could happen.
Fast forward to February of this year.
I got a faint positive pregnancy test and told DH about it. However I had also recently done a lot of reading on Fertility Friend forums about chemical pregnancies and I had seen several charts that showed postive tests turn into negative tests very early on. I was shocked by this and thought how terrible it must be. The next day my test was fainter and the following morning it was gone, like a ghost.
I remember talking to DH about both of the above experiences and saying to him:
It’s as though as soon as I talk about it, it happens to us!
Since then, I have had two more chemicals, but I’ll be honest with you. My missed miscarriage last year, and the massive haemorrhage I suffered has affected me quite badly. I feel quite a lot of fear on the occasions that I replay the memory of what I went through at the hospital and I have reached the conclusion that generally pregnancy is quite a dangerous state for me to be in.
Basically I would be dead three times over if it weren’t for modern medicine – I must be one of a tiny percentage of women who have suffered three massive haemorrhages and lived to tell the tale. Hey – I probably have more transfused blood in my body than my own 😉
And although I can barely even admit it to myself, I will say that sometimes, when I think about getting a positive pregnancy test, I get a lurch in my stomach like the nerves before a big exam or going on stage. That free-falling feeling that comes from the fear of what’s ahead.
Which brings me to the title of this post. A couple of months ago, I downloaded a free fertility relaxation audio from Circle & Bloom.
Yesterday I listened to it for the first time and it’s actually very good. I listened again today and I am going to download their free Healing and Recovery Program for women who have suffered a miscarriage when I get home (today, hurrah!).
I am not going for the full Natural Cycle Fertility Program because I have some reservations about the ordering of the 28 day sessions. For example, why focus on cervical fluid the day after ovulation, as it usually dries up pretty quickly? And why focus on fertilization two days after ovulation when the egg is only viable for 24-48 hours? Actually, I may email them about these points, because they are fairly fundamental to us TTC women!
But anyway – the point I am trying to make is that maybe part of the reason I am not remaining pregnant is because my mind is refusing to accept a pregnancy.
I know this is a pretty hippy-ish and new-age thing to think, but given my lifestyle, body weight, general health and medical history there is no reason at all that I shouldn’t be able to have a healthy pregnancy.
And in fact I had two healthy pregnancies when I was taking care of myself far less well than I am now!
So. This month, I will continue with my “laugher” plan (laugher improves fertility, crazy but true), and also add in listening to the Circle and Bloom free recording, which although is not a complete program in itself, is wonderful to listen to and a very positive message to be sending to my brain.
And just to sign off on a happy note, I have managed to get a proper belly laugh in for 4 days in a row so far this cycle.
Yes, I am actually tracking my laughs this month 🙂