The Beginning and The End

Profound title, huh?

I’ve had a real week. My oldest has gone off to school for his first day at Reception today. He looked so grown up and responsible in his uniform and it is a HUGE milestone for me. It’s the start of real memories of my own childhood and the start of what will be a formative and enormous part of his life.

And next year my youngest follows straight after him. In a year’s time I will have no babies in the nest any more.

Part of the reason I always wanted my children close together is because I wanted them to go through all the stages together, and so as a family we could do things together that wouldn’t entail dragging along a grumpy teenager and a grumpy toddler. And also for me – because I like to get things done and the idea of going back to baby things after getting my older children into school… it’s a bit odd for me. But that’s just me. I know it’s different for everyone.

I have a huge desire to be a big part of my son’s life in a way my own parents weren’t – to be there for him after school, to talk about his day, his friends, and his homework (assuming he’ll want to do all that!). I don’t want a newborn distracting me from the importance of my sons striking out on their own. I know this won’t make sense to many of you, but to me, that window of having all my children close together – it’s almost closed.

And for the first time ever, I really feel it. I don’t know if I can even explain it in words, but unlike any other point in the last 2.5 years, I feel like this path I’ve been on, my quest for a third, is disappearing, getting overgrown, vanishing under my feet. There’s not much path ahead – I know it deep in my heart.

I didn’t want to get here – I didn’t intend to walk the entire length of this route and see all this heartache and misery before realising with such clarity that it actually doesn’t go anywhere after all. I couldn’t have known that when I set out, but despite that, I am still glad I made the journey. I MISS with all my heart the baby boy that I lost in March. So much. But he was, really, my last chance and for whatever reason, he didn’t join us.

This might all sound sad and miserable, but I want to stress that I am not overcome with grief – I am, in a way, faintly surprised to find myself here. The path goes no further, all I can see ahead is green fields and the sensation of everything we’ve been through is a kind of wonder that it really happened that way at all.

It’s a kind of Oh well. 

It’s a kind of Oh, the path stops here.

It’s a kind of Oh. This isn’t the way after all.

Inside me, there is a little tiny flame of freedom, which I am carefully guarding. A little part of me that knows moving on can mean finding happiness in other ways. It’s small – believe me. I still flinch inside when I see pregnant women.

But it’s there.

My little light to guide me to the signpost that points somewhere else, when I am ready to pack up and go.

Today is CD2. My period arrived yesterday evening in its usual flood, soaking through my knickers and trousers in the space of fifteen minutes.

And in the cupboard, are the soy isoflavones I ordered last week. For trying this cycle.

My heart isn’t in it. But I’m relieved actually.

So, I’ll take them, probably just for a couple of days, and then I will test out “moving on”. I don’t really have any expectations left (I REALLY thought it was going to happen last month, but it didn’t).

We’ll see where this month takes us. I might chart, I might not.

And perhaps next month we see what it’s like to not try at all.

Because I don’t want to turn 40 with a heart full of tears.

19 thoughts on “The Beginning and The End

  1. You never know what life has in store for you Miss Rose. And even though it wan’t part of your plan it may work perfectly for reasons you don’t even know yet. I just wish for happiness for you and that whatever the outcome that there is peace in that for you. I still haven’t given up hope for you! I think a nice easy approach this month certainly can’t hurt. Lots of hugs xxx

    • Thanks. Peace (emotionally and physically!) is really what I want to reach. I think I can see it now, for the first time, without three children as part of it. Sigh. But, we’ll see. Not ready to sell the washable nappies yet, but getting closer. XXX

  2. I totally understand. I’ve always wanted to have two kids about 1.25 to 1.5 years apart, just like my younger brother and I were. My little one turns two in a couple of weeks. 11 IUIs and a mc later, I keep telling myself that it’s just going to be easier now that my toddler is more mature, but… That just offers minor comfort. Hang in there!

  3. I’m curious. Has using a fertility clinic brought you any comfort or answers? Has your RE had anything to say about your particular situation? I know of quite a few 40+ moms who had trouble with traditional methods but iui or ivf worked for them. I wish you the best!

    • I’ve had all the standard tests for recurrent miscarriage – everything is normal. DH had SA done – all normal. I did go gluten free at the end of April this year after a coeliac diagnosis, which is linked to recurrent miscarriage, so that might have been a big factor. I haven’t gone for medical assistance in any other way – we booked an appointment, but then cancelled it again. Just not sure how I feel about IUI or IVF. I worry that I’d get pregnant (as usual), but then lose it and have paid for the privilege of yet another miscarriage. 🙁

      • Yeah I can totally understand that being worried. My Chinese medicine fertility doctor/acupuncturist /herbalist also has me off gluten too (among a long list of bad stuff). I had no idea gluten could be directly a culprit. Good to know. I shall continue gluten free. Have you considered Chinese medicine?

        • I have considered it – and in fact heard great things about it – but I don’t think it’s for me. Well… I say that now, but who knows. I might consider it sometime down the line if I can’t give up this quest…!

    • Yes. Exactly. Your last post really resonated with me too. I’ve reached a point where I need to fill my life with something else – and it’s not resentful, it’s just happened. Which I guess can only be a good thing. X

      • I’m still hoping. And trying. But doing so in a way that I could not be. Hence the job. Hence slowly “thinking” about a garage sale to sell buggies and the like. Hence hinting to Alex that a baby brother might not happen.
        If it does great.
        But if it doesn’t maybe THAT is a gift. Maybe I’m not fit and healthy enough. I know I was so tired today I napped. Could I do that with a baby? No. Did I have easy births? Not second one. Maybe my gift IS the no third child.

          • I was in bed at 8 with a bad migraine yesterday. Just about coped in the day. I sometimes think it’s a case of careful what you wish for, for me.
            I need to keep that in mind – because I’m not 100% sure I could do it as smoothly as the other times.
            And it’s easy not to cope. And not to admit not coping. And for it to all go to pot.
            So now I’m just going with the flow. And remembering that some get none. I got two. And why should my idea of three being perfect for me, be right? Maybe two is good but three would break us. I have a friend who’s just divorced. Third is two tomorrow. It destroyed them as he never wanted the second. They drifted.
            I think for me, it’s important to remember the lack of pregnancy might be a huge gift.
            X

  4. You have put words to a place that I have been to so many times. And I feel like you have been there before, too. It’s amazing how we keep coming round and round, back to those same emotional places, and yet each time they seem to feel a bit different, a bit more final. And the last line of this post…ooohhh…. I found myself struggling so very often with that fear of whether I could ever move on without regrets, hitting those milestone birthdays, would I wonder what if? That was always where I got really hung up on the decision of whether to keep on going or not. I wish I had some more wisdom or guidance to share with you. I do not. But I do have love and virtual hugs, which are abundant! BTW, as much as I am trying to embrace the 5 year age gap my kids will have and think of all the positives that come along with that, I do worry about how I will be distracted from my daughter’s milestones now that she’s in school, too, with a new baby around…and then a toddler…they are so all consuming at that age and it will be hard to also retain a focus on my daughter that she needs and deserves. So I get what you are saying.

    • Yes – it’s a difficult balance. And because the boys are very close in age, my attention is already divided between two people who simultaneously seem to need me all day long. Hopefully you will find that you can still get that quality 1-1 time with your daughter when the little one sleeps. Looking back now, I actually think my oldest would have gotten a much better deal if my youngest hadn’t burst into the family before he even turned 2. He’s never really had that focus from me that he craves and the rivalry between them is quite bad sometimes. Hindsight eh? I don’t know. I think maybe I’m just too old and too tired for all this any more!

  5. I’m glad to see that you are finding some peace, even if it’s slow, and even if it isn’t in the way that you had hoped to find it. And who knows…maybe once you stop trying, something amazing will happen. I know it has happened to other people! In the mean time, you’ll be able to focus on the 2 little ones you DO have and give them all the love and attention in the world. Hang in there, hopefully things will get easier for you every day. *hugs*

  6. This is lovely. I’ve always thought moving on would be liberating. I hope you reach that place of peace very soon. And I’m so glad that you’ve decided not to turn 40 with a heart full of tears!

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