The Aftermath

Did you know that “aftermath” has two meanings?

The one we’re familiar with, the one we all know:

The consequences or after-effects of a significant unpleasant event.

And the one we’re less familiar with:

[Farming] New grass growing after mowing or harvest.

I’m sat here, submerged in the aftermath. I haven’t showered today. Husband had to drop the boys to preschool because I couldn’t face leaving the house. I’ve sat at my computer and listened to sad songs. Songs from my teenage years, songs from the angst of my youth. And I’ve cried for everything bad that’s ever been.

I’ve looked through old photos of me, wondered where the girl I used to be has gone:

bungy
Victoria Falls

I know I’ve said this before, but how did I get here? Where did my fight go?

This is about more than a miscarriage. This about where I am now, and what path I’m on, and how the fuck I got here.

My heart feels so very heavy. Heavy for having lost it’s way. And the worst thing is, even if I sit and ask myself outright, I don’t really know what I even want any more.

hosp
Hospital bed

What is all this grief about?

Is it the mourning of my youth?

Am I having a midlife crisis?

Why do I want another baby?

Why have I been so troubled for so long?

What do I really want to be doing anyway?

I need to move, to get out of this swamp of mediocrity I’ve been wallowing in. But I don’t know which way to go, or even if I can get out.

What do I really want??

For the first time in my life I want to ask a younger version of myself for advice.

Hey, 28 year old me, with the world at her feet. What do I do now? What’s wrong with me? Why am I so unhappy?

You know what I feel like doing?

I feel like chucking away every, single piece of clothing in my wardrobe.

Every item. All the crappy tshirts I slob around in, the jeans that are baggy enough to hide my less-than-flat stomach, the mediocre, boring, mummy-slob, clothes that I wear day-in, day-out. The practical shoes and the thermal tops. I hate it all, because it all came from supermarkets and it all says that I’m not important, I just need to cover up my post-childbirth-x2 body in a practical way until my children are 18 and I get the chance to think about how I look again.

God, I am having a midlife crisis aren’t I?

Yes, I am.

I have gone from Exhibit A – self-assured, confident, intelligent, well-traveled career-girl:

before

To this – Exhibit B (do I really need to say anything?):

after

(And by the way, if you recognise me, and you know me, for God’s sake ring me up and be nice to me.)

BIG SIGH.

But back to what I started with.

Aftermath.

The new growth after harvest.

That’s what I’m submerged in.

I think I know what I need to do. I know that change is the way forward, because what I am doing obviously isn’t working. Because if we all stay the same then where the fuck are we going to end up.

Thank you for reading this rambling, personal, crazy, post.

19 thoughts on “The Aftermath

  1. Rose, you are in a hard time. Everything you’re feeling is okay. Maybe it is time for big changes, who knows and why not?. This sounds so silly but after my miscarriage, my husband and I each did a big change. A lot of it was purging stuff and getting new stuff. ha! Pretty material, but it helped get through and shed the yuck. I hope you find something inspiring to do for yourself to find yourself again. Right now, you are grieving and that makes us question so much. Immerse yourself in this for a specified time and then at some point, tell yourself it is enough and do good for you. You DO deserve it. xo

    • I have never had a major miscarriage like this so feel I shouldn’t dish out too much advice however I do agree with Kerry’s comment on choosing a specific amount of time to wallow. That has always been my practice in hard times. I let myself totally let go and be sad for a defined period and then I say OK. Now it’s time for moving forward and I make myself do that. It truly does work. I only tell you this in the hope that it helps. However you should only do whatever feels right. Hugs and hugs and more hugs. I’d be listening to sad music too right now xxx

      • Yes – it’s good practice. I remember many (many) years ago, I had my heart broken by a man that was (with hindsight) not really that much of a catch anyway. But I was so upset – oh my – I cried and cried! Then after two days of utter non-stop misery, I allocated 15 mins a day to my broken heart. I’d lock myself in my room, play sad songs and cry as much as I could. The rest of the time I wore an elastic band around my wrist and I pinged myself if I started thinking of him. I was really strict about it. I was much more disciplined when I was younger. These days I don’t have the energy 🙂 But yes, you can’t wallow forever. It’s not healthy. But as for now, it was only 3 days ago, so I’m pretty ok with feeling like crap for a while yet 😉

  2. One of my favourite quotes ever is this: If you don’t change direction you will end up where you are going. Lao Tzu

    Seemed fitting for your post so thought I would share it.

    You never mention what husband has to say about all this. You don’t need to either but I guess it just crossed my mind. I hope you find the answers you are looking for in what can only be described as a totally unfair situation. I’m thinking of you xx

    • Great quote. My husband isn’t a big talker. He’s sad, he’s stressed at work. I know he’d prefer a happy wife (and maybe one that made more of an effort with her appearance, ha!). We’ll get through this though. Eventually!

  3. I can’t even begin to imagine the magnitude of your loss, so I should probably refrain from doling out advice. But my heart aches for you, so I’ll offer some thoughts in the hope they may help.

    Would a short escape be feasible? Even just a weekend away. Spa, athletic adventure, whatever will help you tap into that fierce and fearless younger you.

    Have you thought about speaking to a professional of some kind? You’ve been through the wringer these past many, many months. There is nothing wrong with seeking out someone to speak to about it all.

    If neither of the first two work for you , how about just carving out one hour each day which is all about you. Get DH to watch the kids and you do whatever nourishes your soul for that hour. (Or trade the daily hour for 4 uninterrupted hours 1x/week).

    I am thinking about you and wishing you well.
    xoxo

    • Thanks Nancy – great ideas. I DO need to carve out some time for me. I really do – and I need to do something with it, not just sit around wasting time. I need to do a lot of things actually. Sometimes big events like this are just the kick up the backside that you need. I’m hoping that’s the case with this one. I’m not planning on wasting any more time than necessary on feeling like crap, it’s just so bloody depressing! X

  4. Your last two pictures make me smile. I could find two very similar ones of myself! And you know what? That’s ok. You are a mom now, a very, very devoted mom to two beautiful, charismatic and wonderful little boys. There is nothing wrong with looking the part. What matters is how you feel about it. If it doesn’t feel good, take a step toward changing it. (and I’m not just talking about clothes here) Oh, and I second the online shopping suggestion! A great compromise until your body is ready for the actual outings again!

  5. Oh Rose, so many valid poignant questions. So much heartache. I feel for you so much right now. I don’t know the answers but I hope you soon find a clearing within the forest. Huge hugs xxx

  6. Your last two photos are very familiar – I could absolutely find two like this of myself.

    Exhibit A – self-assured, confident, intelligent, well-traveled career-girl
    Exibit B – an intelligent, thoughtful, loving and dedicated woman

    Both these women are beautiful. And somewhere in our hearts, we are both of them, and much more.

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