Talk Talk

DH and I talked through all the IVF stuff yesterday. It was nice to have a proper heart-to-heart about how we’re both feeling. We’ve lived with this for so long that a lot of the time we never mention it. A failed month is just a passing comment and a few tears. A pregnancy announcement is just an eye-roll from both of us.

I struggle to share my feelings (in real life), so tend to keep everything bottled up, even from DH. It was nice to talk about it all.

So, we’re still not sure what to do. DH has reservations about IVF (albeit different from mine), but he says he is truly on the fence about it, as I am. It’s a crazy place to be, but I think we’re both just so tired of this big thing being in our lives that we don’t want to really deal with it at all anymore. We’re not committed to the ‘fight’ like we used to be.

Interestingly, DH shared a theory he has about why it hasn’t worked for us. He thinks that because I had quite a traumatic time with DS1 at the birth (I lost almost 3 litres of blood), and then when we started trying for no.3 I got pregnant immediately but ended up almost dying from blood loss during the miscarriage at 13.5 weeks, that my body somehow recognises a pregnancy from him as a threat to my wellbeing and won’t support it. He thinks that if I were to sleep with another man, I would probably get pregnant and carry to term immediately. As odd as this might sound, our bodies do have a memory of sorts, because that is how antibodies work after we have had an infection such as chicken pox or measles. And it’s how vaccines work too.

DH says he knows a doctor would laugh this idea off, but that it just might be in 50 or 100 years time when the whole process is better understood that there is something in what he is saying. We agreed that if that really was the case, then so be it. We can live with that as an explanation – especially because nothing else has turned up anything, and all people seem to do is tell us how healthy we both are. And we’ve gone from magically being able to have kids to having three years of loss, loss, loss.

Anyway, we have until next Wednesday to decide – that’s the day before my setup appointment and probably the latest I can cancel it. On the day I have to pay the cycle fee (over £3,500), and that’s pretty much the green light.

I spoke to the clinic this morning and my AMH won’t be back until Monday, which for some reason I’m desperate to know the result of.

Sigh.

I think we’ll probably do this, just so we know we tried everything. The only issue we have is if we are lucky enough to get extra eggs – do we freeze them? If it doesn’t work, would we try a transfer? We both want this to be OVER. We’re worried about getting sucked into trying longer and longer and longer.

We’re both in agreement that we’re done with the trying. We want to move on.

I think whatever happens now, it’s time for me to get all the pregnancy and baby stuff out of the loft, collect all my various bits and bobs up and get them ready to use or donate/sell. We both want a clean break and we need to mark that clearly in our lives.

18 thoughts on “Talk Talk

  1. Sending hugs to you, Rose, as you figure out this decision. In ten years time, do you think you’ll look back and regret not having tried IVF? From what you’re saying it sounds like maybe you just need to give it one last try before you can fully move on if you need to. Xo.

  2. It’s a big and hard decision to make Rose! Only you and your husband will know what is best for you.
    But, I do want to add that our reproductive immunologist actually tested us to see if I have antibodies that are fighting off Mr. MBP, which would cause our miscarriages. (It turns out we don’t have that problem, but it was interesting to be tested). So, I think DH is on to something with his theory!

  3. That’s such an interesting theory that your husband has, and it could make some sense. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now, and that there don’t seem to be any easy answers. I hope you can both figure things out and come to a mutual decision, and find some peace and happiness over the next few days. Thinking of you.

  4. Finding the time, energy and strength to have a real talk like that is no small thing. I haven’t had a “real” conversation with the husband about anything meaningful in eons. The topics for us would be a bit more mundane compared to IVF, but the premise is the same.

    Anyway, I think your hubby’s theory is very interesting. More than that, I find it amazing that he has thought it all through on such a level. That shows real solidarity in your relationship, and after 3 years of hell going through all you’ve been through, that is an incredible thing!

    I know you are on the fence right now. I remember trying to answer the question over and over again of how far are we willing to take this and when do we draw the line. What it kept coming back to for me was, at what point will I be able to move on with no regrets? What options would I need to exhaust to be able to say we’ve tried everything we could. The definition of that is highly personal; for us, we actually knew that would not include IVF – our line was drawn there, but everyone is different.
    I would not have been able to move on until I felt like I could do so without wondering what if we had tried this or that. It’s defining “this” and “that” that’s the hard part, and such a personal decision.

    I know you want this to be over, but deciding by Wed. seems so quick. If you don’t feel 100% ready in your decision by then, I assume you can still go forward with this plan next month. I only say this in case you need more time to do research and be sure. I know just how long an extra month is to you right now, but this is a very big deal.

    Regardless, I have total faith you will make the best decision for you! xoxox

  5. I read this post before bed last night and didn’t comment as I was on my phone. Rose, it warms my heart that you and DH had such a great chat You guys have a wonderful relationship and I am in awe of the level of consideration he has really given your situation. It is a really interesting premise. I was going to say more but I have just read the commenter above me and she has so beautifully articulated everything I wanted to say. All I would say is this: don’t worry if you don’t have the answer yet. Every piece of the puzzle adds its own little bit to guide you. Maybe when you get your AMH back on Monday the result will tip you in one direction or another. You never know. And if it doesn’t, then you can put it off a cycle as the other person suggested (even though I know you want it to be over). Thinking of you and I’m always here if you need to chat. xx

      • Funnily enough I have totally stopped talking about it with people in real life. I was sick of being asked questions. Pffft. Hope you are feeling more clarity today. It is almost Monday! x

  6. Hugs and prayers. So hard to always know what the right thing is to do. I know you guys will figure it out. Praying you have peace about your decisions! xoxo

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