Tonight I am running a 5k race. I did number 3/5 of this series last month, and I got my best time in literally years, so I had been hoping that 4 weeks on I would be able to shave a few more seconds off and maybe reach that elusive sub-30 I have been chasing.
Things have not really gone my way in the lead up to this race. Work has been really busy over the last month and I’ve been eating erratically and not very well. Then in the early hours of Sunday morning baby F started vomiting. She carried on around once an hour until everyone woke at 7am, so that was a night’s sleep lost. The following night (Monday), she woke and asked for water a few times and then screamed at me when I tried to put her back in the cot. I slept on the floor in her room. Thankfully she had stopped being sick, but each time she woke I was expecting it. Tuesday in the day was all a bit emotional with L’s last day at infant school. He was taking part in a leaver’s assembly that really tugged at the heart strings and there were quite a few tears from quite a few mums, including me. The husband had looked after baby F at home and I had been worried so much she was being sick again (the husband does not cope well with vomit). When I got home after the assembly she spent the best part of the day clinging to me and crying.
Tuesday night was another broken night’s sleep. Baby F woke crying several times and once for a watery poo in the early hours. This morning, surfacing from what little sleep I had managed she screamed and screamed at me when I tried our morning breastfeed (the last one we still do). It turned out that she didn’t have her Bee-Bee blanket to hold, which she always has during a feed but in my sleep-deprived state I couldn’t fathom what was wrong. After two bad nights and her constant crying in the day my nerves are shot.
Today (Wednesday), is the first day of the school holidays. In desperation, when she went down for a nap this morning, I locked the doors and put a film on for the boys so I could nap too. I managed a fitful hour and to be honest I don’t really feel much better for it.
Baby F has cried on and off today and wants me right by her side every second. With the boys home this is not possible or practical so when I am not with her she just wails and wails. Not to mention I am braving things like trying to clear up a watery-poo-explosion in the cot after naptime, with her wailing and the boys running riot and asking for stuff, all while I am trying not to contaminate any surface or myself.
I am so tired, and so worn out. I have found myself wishing again today that I had family nearby who wanted to help out. I know so many mums who have a grandparent or three living in the next village or street, always at the end of the phone.
I get quite down when I don’t sleep and I find it hard to maintain a positive attitude.
So, all-in-all, I am not expecting great things this evening at the race. It’s a fast local run, so coming last doesn’t bother me, but I really wanted to break 30 minutes and I fear life has just sucked all the energy out of me of late.
I will post an update after the run.