Every month, I get two brief periods where I basically just want to cry all the time. The first is (naturally) just before my period. The second is (annoyingly) in the immediate days after ovulation.
I’ve worked out that these are probably due to the dip that we all get in oestrogen levels at those times, but knowing why I want to cry at everything doesn’t stop me from wanting to cry at everything.
I got a brief positive opk test this morning (late!), and it’s
CD14 CD15 (I can’t count), so I’m guessing I will ovulate tomorrow. Or tonight at the earliest. Which means by the end of tomorrow, I’m going to want to put my head in my hands and cry over everything.
Which is a shame, because at the moment, I’m feeling super-duper lovely and the last couple of weeks have been really good.
I talked to DH about calling it quits.
I told him I’m a much better mother to older children (as opposed to babies) and that now our youngest is 3 I’m feeling more and more reluctant to go back to the beginning all over again. I really am not very good at the mind-numbing baby stuff. And I have to be honest and say I am selfishly loving the bit of free time I’m getting now both boys are at school/preschool each week. I could write more fiction! I could write that app I’ve been working on! I could write some software! So much potential.
I am in all honesty cultivating the idea that I could walk away with a smile and say we’re done. I never thought I’d get to this point. The bitterness and anger and loss – it has seemed insurmountable at times.
As far as my soy experiment goes, I’ve had barely any ovulation pain this month, which is a good thing (I don’t think pain of any kind is supposed to be a regular fixture). I haven’t noticed anything else so far. Maybe they didn’t do a damn thing, who knows.
Anyway, I might be back here in a few days, sobbing my heart out for a baby, but at the moment it’s all good.
The joys of being a woman.