My Monthly Oestrogen Crashes

Every month, I get two brief periods where I basically just want to cry all the time. The first is (naturally) just before my period. The second is (annoyingly) in the immediate days after ovulation.

I’ve worked out that these are probably due to the dip that we all get in oestrogen levels at those times, but knowing why I want to cry at everything doesn’t stop me from wanting to cry at everything.

I got a brief positive opk test this morning (late!), and it’s CD14 CD15 (I can’t count), so I’m guessing I will ovulate tomorrow. Or tonight at the earliest. Which means by the end of tomorrow, I’m going to want to put my head in my hands and cry over everything.

Which is a shame, because at the moment, I’m feeling super-duper lovely and the last couple of weeks have been really good.

I talked to DH about calling it quits.

I told him I’m a much better mother to older children (as opposed to babies) and that now our youngest is 3 I’m feeling more and more reluctant to go back to the beginning all over again. I really am not very good at the mind-numbing baby stuff. And I have to be honest and say I am selfishly loving the bit of free time I’m getting now both boys are at school/preschool each week. I could write more fiction! I could write that app I’ve been working on! I could write some software! So much potential.

I am in all honesty cultivating the idea that I could walk away with a smile and say we’re done. I never thought I’d get to this point. The bitterness and anger and loss – it has seemed insurmountable at times.

As far as my soy experiment goes, I’ve had barely any ovulation pain this month, which is a good thing (I don’t think pain of any kind is supposed to be a regular fixture). I haven’t noticed anything else so far. Maybe they didn’t do a damn thing, who knows.

Anyway, I might be back here in a few days, sobbing my heart out for a baby, but at the moment it’s all good.

The joys of being a woman.

CD14 And A Positive OPK

I’ve been having quite bad ovulation pain this month, so I thought it was imminent, but it’s held out until today. I finally got a positive OPK overnight.

I say finally – it is only CD14. I tend to O on or before CD14, so it felt like a bit of a wait.

I actually have nothing at all to share apart from the rather uninspiring news of my positive OPK, but I just wanted to write a post anyway.

It’s two years this weekend since my (let’s get this right), first miscarriage after my second baby.

The really big miscarriage where I almost bled to death and nobody called or visited me afterwards.

This time last year (on the one year anniversary), I was, to be quite frank, a total emotional mess.

And in that post I wrote:

What if someone told me today that this time next year I still would not be pregnant.

Fucking hell. It really has been a whole year, and not only am I still not fucking pregnant, but I have another late first trimester miscarriage to add to the body count.

Do you find that the drop off in oestrogen after you ovulate makes you miserable?

I do. I get two brief rounds of “PMT” each month. One immediately after ovulation, and one a day or two before my period.

It’s shit.

So, I guess I’ve got an egg either on the way out, or freshly emerged floating around in my fallopian tube right now.

And that egg is going to be fertilised, because most of the time that happens without any problem.

Yep.

That egg is going to be fertilised the second it emerges if it hasn’t been already, since DH and I have already ensured half a billion sperm have had a chance to get into the venue.

I’ll be doing a highly scientific early testing protocol this month. Ha.

Cause it only takes one good egg. Right?

Drinking Water Makes OPKs Redundant

Update: this entire post is actually redundant because I got my positive opk an hour after posting this. Hah! Oh what endless fun ttc is.

I bought a pack of opks.

Of course I did. You all know I can’t just leave this to fate and I have to have some semblance of control over something because I am a control freak with OCD tendencies.

I can’t control my eggs, but I sure as hell can control knowing when they’re coming 😉

Anyway, I bought a pack of opks.

And I’m pretty sure I ovulated this morning (I get very distinct pain).

But I haven’t had a single positive opk in the last 3 days.

I’m an old hand at this game: two children, 6 losses, 22 months of TTC this time round (with a slight hiatus at the end of last year).

I get positive opks EVERY month. Without fail. I ovulate every month. Without fail.

I fully expect to see a temperature rise tomorrow or Monday morning at the latest. I am currently temping only for the days around ovulation just so I know it has occurred.

But my positive opk is missing.

The reason?

It has to be the water I am drinking.

Since last November I’ve been guzzling around 2 litres a day as part of an ongoing incentive to be a healthier me.

And I think that all that water is diluting my LH so I can no longer detect it.

Who knew!

What is the Deal With My Right Ovary?!

It’s CD11 and I’ve just spent the last hour curled on the sofa with a super-hot water bottle, feeling like the pain on my right side was going to make me vomit.

It’s been building for two days – I’ve walked around feeling like there were two water balloons where my ovaries should have been and they have been getting heavier and heavier.

Then by 6:30pm today I barely got the boys into bed before falling onto the sofa in agony.

I’m no wimp either – two natural births and a manual removal of the placenta with no pain relief (yes, that is the one where a doctor sticks a hand up your hoo-haa to pull the placenta out).

And now? The pain has been subsiding for 20 minutes after peaking at 7pm and I’m guessing that means the egg is out (3 days early for me). This is exactly what I had last month, sat on the loo at 3am breathing through the pain. That was my right side too. My left side (which my body seems to favour most months) ovulates with a merely a few manageable cramps.

So what’s the deal? I had an ultrasound a while back where they checked everything and I have no problems, so why so much pain?

Bah.

I wouldn’t mind so much if I thought there was actually a chance I might get pregnant. Pregnant! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Sigh.

Bodies, eh?

Trying to tell us stuff all the time and we mostly have no idea what they are saying.

I Got My Ovulation Pain

It never fails to surprise me just how much your cycle can vary from month to month – and I am a regular 28 day kinda girl to start with.

After barely a twinge from my ovaries this month, which I eventually put down to running somehow helping my body, I ended up sat on the toilet at 3am last night breathing through the excrutiating pain on my right side as what I presume was the emergence of this month’s egg occurred.

Oh my. I actually sat there and thought to myself:

I can’t ever go through labour again, I do not want another baby this much!

After a while I went back to bed and by laying on my back with my body bent slightly sideways and my right leg straight out (to stretch out my right side), I managed to drop off to sleep.

When I woke at 6am I was blissfully and gratefully pain free.

What was that all about?

I do usually ovulate from my left side so maybe the right ovary is out of practice.

Eugh. Horrible. Now that’s all done with I absolutely have to get my book proposal finished (not easy with a 3 and 2 year old running around and DH home from work this week), so thankfully I have lots to distract me for the dreadful two week wait (yup, we decided to give it one more shot – who could resist yesterdays opk? yes I am a sucker for punishment, yes I am bored of trying now, but until I wake up and know that I won’t let DH near me during my fertile phase I can’t let an opportunity slide past without a fair go).

Fun, fun, right?!?

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