Other People’s Opinions

You know what the hardest thing about moving on from having another baby is?

It’s the fact that there are people out there who will be proved “right” and who will believe it’s “all for the best”.

These are the people who never understood why we would want another baby in the first place.

Those same people would have loved another baby if one had come along, which makes it even worse.

I have sold the cot, and the double buggy. I have even toyed with the idea of selling all the other baby items we have left in the loft.

I am, in all honesty, feeling ambivalent about the third baby thing.

Mostly, at the moment, I genuinely have no desire to try again. I really don’t mind how long it takes for my cycle to resume, for the bleeding to stop, or for this cyst to resolve, because I’m not on any kind of schedule any more. All of those things are handily preventing me from having to think about it. And that is a relief.

I think I’d kind of reached acceptance of the end of the journey before my last pregnancy, and this latest miscarriage has only strengthened that feeling.

But those doubters.

Those people who are secretly glad we failed. I hate the fact that they have been proven “right”. And these are people who are (supposedly) close to us. They aren’t people we can cut out of our lives.

I don’t know how to manage this part of the journey.

And part of me hates them for their thinking. For the fact they believe that what we have been through, all the losses and tears and broken dreams, are somehow “the right thing in the end”.

How can everything that has happened to us be “all for the best”? Anyone that believes that is surely not someone that cares for us or our dreams.

Ovarian Cyst Update

I went back to the gynae ward today.

It has gotten to the point where I know many people by name and the faces of pretty much everyone. They smile and say “Hello Rose…” in sympathetic voices as I walk past.

When I spoke to them on Monday about the fetal test results they booked me in for a scan because I mentioned I was experiencing some discomfort over the weekend, especially when driving, on the side of my 6cm ovarian cyst.

They explained on the telephone that it was a haemorrhagic cyst, which is filled with blood from a small blood vessel leaking after an egg is released (I ovulated?? Was my first thought). They wanted to check up on it.

However, after a second look today the consultant said it looks less like a haemorrhagic cyst and more like a dermoid cyst, as there seems to be “tissue” in the centre.

Its diameter is half a centimetre larger than it was 5 days ago.

A dermoid cyst is one of those crazy things that grows teeth, bone, skin and hair inside it. They come from the overactive cells of an unfertilised egg.

Ew.

I find it oddly compelling to look at pictures of these things on the internet. It is so amazing that they can grow body parts inside them so quickly (three weeks ago both of my ovaries were normal, with no cysts at all. Hell, four weeks ago I had a living baby growing inside me).

Anyway, that aside, here are some stats from my research:

  • dermoid cysts usually require surgical removal
  • 57% of surgeries result in removal of just the cyst, the rest remove the ovary, and occasionally the uterus too
  • 1-3% turn malignant (ovarian cancer), the chances of which increase dramatically with age and when post-menopause
  • 3-5% result in ovarian torsion (surgical emergency where the ovary becomes twisted and the blood supply is cut off)
  • it is rare for them to rupture
  • they are common in women of reproductive age (20-40, so I just about fit in that category) and generally benign

I’m sitting here this evening gulping sipping a very cold glass of white wine. A rare treat for me.

This body of mine is starting to feel like a stranger.

The body I’ve relied on all my life, which I thought I knew, faults and all, now rejects babies and grows shit I don’t need.

Or maybe it is trying its absolute hardest to comply with what I want, but it just can’t do it. For reasons that I may never know.

I have wondered if I should be feeling annoyed and upset that there is no chance of trying for a baby any time soon, but strangely, that doesn’t even seem important at the moment.

I am to return in eight weeks time and they will decide whether or not I need surgery.

Yet Another Ultrasound

I have been bleeding for 22 consecutive days now, and I have to say I am really fed up with it. Not least of all because of how many pads I am going through.

Admittedly, the bleeding is light – like a light period every day – so it’s not a complete nightmare and my bedsheets have survived intact so far 🙂

But it just isn’t getting any less.

I did my weekly pregnancy test this morning and it is still very faintly positive. It’s a 10miu test, so there can’t be much hcg left in my system, but I want to get back to zero. How ironic to want to see a negative pregnancy test, huh?

Anyway, this morning’s scan. You may remember two weeks ago they said I still had a very thick lining that needed to come away and a 4mm piece of retained tissue.

Well, at today’s scan they said the remaining tissue is now 2mm in size (teeny!), and although my lining is not as thick, it is still quite “bulky” (their word, not mine).

They also told me I now have a cyst, just short of 6cm, on my right ovary. They want to re-scan me in two months to check on it, as they monitor anything that grows over 5cm.

Should I just buy my own ultrasound machine??

BIG SIGH.

I thought I’d been getting some weird ovulation type pains for the last few days, along with a fair bit of backache. I’d put it down to being in the second ‘half’ of my cycle and my body thinking ovulation should be happening/have happened, even if it wasn’t able to actually fire an egg because of the remaining hcg.

So, my period is due in a week’s time, and I’m always pretty regular. I reckon this cyst is what’s termed a “functional cyst” where my body tried to ovulate on day 14 but couldn’t (and my body runs like clockwork, so it was bound to get upset), and instead a cyst formed around the follicle.

Amazing eh?

So, I am now awaiting the mother of all periods to arrive next weekend.

I have complete confidence that my body will sort this all out in its own good time. I even said two weeks ago that it would be better to scan me after my next period.

As for tests on the baby, they should have news next week.

More when I know more.

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