My missed miscarriage in August left me emotionally devastated.
But life goes on, and the desire for another baby doesn’t go away.
And somehow, time does heal, even though in the beginning you can’t believe it will ever take away the pain.
Three months later we decided to try again. Again! Yes, we are crazy.
Only a handful of people know we’re still trying for number 3.
But this time ttc has been a whole different experience for us.
I’ve been pregnant 5 times in 4 years – three of those pregnancies have resulted in miscarriage, two of them gave me my gorgeous boys. Each time we have tried previously, it has happened the first or second month we tried. The first three pregnancies were immediate. The next two took a second month to happen.
Now we’ve been actively trying for 5 months and nothing.
The question I ask myself every single day is why?
And twice, I have said to myself no more, let’s stop now, it wasn’t meant to be.
But I can’t. I can’t give up yet 🙁
This last cycle was really going to be our last try. I even told DH I didn’t want to try any more.
But – for the past two months I’ve had chemical pregnancies – fertilized eggs that implant for a few days then break down. I don’t know why they don’t stick, but both times when I have seen that faint positive on my pregnancy test I have felt such peace and happiness that a baby is finally on the way. And then obviously there have been many tears when a later test was negative.
So close, but so far away.
So I can’t give up yet.
I’ve toyed with the idea of seeing a doctor, but:
- My cycle is 28-29 days every month, without fail.
- I chart my temperatures so I know for a fact I ovulate around day 14 every month.
- My temps show a good bi-phasic pattern, so I know my hormones are behaving.
- My luteal phase is always around 14 days long, so there is no luteal phase defect.
- My periods are very heavy for two days, then tail off, so my uterine lining is good.
- I’ve already had my ovaries and uterus checked (at last miscarriage) and there are no cysts, blockages in tubes or other problems.
- I’m getting chemical pregnancies, so sperm is getting to the egg and fertilizing it.
- DH had his sperm checked and he is fine.
- I used a home FSH test and my levels are normal.
So pretty much all the things the doctor would look for I know are already OK. What they would need to investigate would be recurrent miscarriage, but from the reading I have done this seems to be a black art anyway. Reasons for recurrent miscarriage are often not found.
And I am 38 after all, so my eggs are probably just not as good as they used to be.
Also, I have never really liked doctors.
So instead my plan is to focus on my diet and health.
And after saying last month that we are going to stop, I’ve realized that I need to give this a really good shot before I give up.
I need to get healthier and fitter than I have ever been in my entire life.