I just wanted to post a quick update on how we’re doing, documenting this journey for what it is, or is not.
So: firstly I’ve had a complete ban on anything related to pregnancy and babies, as far as possible. I have been super-strict with not ruminating on it, I’ve avoided conversations about it, and stayed away from blogs and forums about it. So – my apologies for any of you (still reading) that I haven’t visited.
Has it worked?
Actually, it’s made a world of a difference. It was pretty hard at first, and after a couple of weeks I had a bit of a slip and found myself googling recurrent miscarriage (like anything new is going to have appeared that I haven’t read in the last 2.5 years). But I gave myself a talking to, and moved on.
I’ve been more involved in my professional life, doing some technical writing and getting back out there and seeing what’s going on in the world.
And – big one for me – I have re-joined Facebook. Since I now only have a handful of friends, I’m not inundated with pregnancy announcements and cute baby pics all the time and actually I’ve really enjoyed reconnecting with people, so, if you know my real life persona I’d love to see you on there!
Last bit of news is I’ve been working on dealing with a lot of my emotional baggage with meditation, and actually this has been something that has really made a difference to my outlook and even my way of interacting with others. I’m pursuing internal peace and the ability to see my life as a whole, rather than as fragmented and separate traumas. I am who I am, after all. And since I have to live with myself for the rest of my life, I might as well work on all that self-love that so many gurus talk about. And you know what? The lonely, ignored inner child in me loves that – and it’s made me happier overall as a result.
And as for the nitty, gritty details:
I don’t know how it is for others, but the decision to move on and the decision to NOT have sex around your fertile time are two different things, and both of us found it impossible to let that time slip by without at least paying it due.
So, I can lay my cards on the table and say that we’ve tried at the right time, and nothing has happened. BUT – I haven’t bothered with testing, or even given it that much thought in the two weeks after ovulation.
I believe the chances of it happening for me are slim to none, and I’ve felt mournful on the day of the arrival of my period, but that is about it. A big improvement on the obsessive waiting I am used to.
So, that’s where we’re at.
I hope all is well in all your worlds, and may we all continue to grow, and never forget how to love, no matter how old or tired we get.