I finally worked out why I blog privately – i.e. why I don’t tell people in real life about what I write. It’s all about give and take. In real life, my friends and family don’t blog. So they would become silent consumers of my thoughts and feelings. I would be sharing with them, but they would not be sharing with me. It would be a one-sided relationship. In the blogging world however, you all read about my innermost thoughts and subsequently you post your own stories, your own accounts of daily life, your own rants and rages and moments of awe and wonder. It’s a community of caring and sharing.
A while ago a good friend of mine discovered that everyone was reading her blog, but no one had told her. She had suffered a miscarriage and written about it several times and not one person in real life had said anything to her about it. Not a single word of condolence or comfort. She said, when she was finally alerted to the fact that people were reading her posts, she felt as though they had been spying on her. Reading everything and saying nothing.
And this is exactly what I am afraid of. My sister-in-law is a silent facebook friend. She never comments or likes anything I post. But when we meet up she refers to things I have posted. She is a silent consumer of my information. I don’t really like the idea of sharing into a void, so that is why I blog privately. I think it’s a shame. I wish it was easier to share in real life than it seems to be for my family and friends.
Getting Things Done
When I started this blog, it was to be an outlet for my projects and plans. I have spectacularly failed to achieve much of anything so far. I feel like I’m falling behind and I’m frustrated that I currently have so little energy and focus to work on my goals. I will have some more dynamic things to share soon I hope.
Actually one thing I have done, which was on my to-do list for ages, is plant tulips – you can see them at the front of our house above. We took out a hideous monster of a bush last autumn, had the stumps ground down, planted tons of tulip bulbs and then turfed the surface. Every morning I open the curtains and look at their strong, upright beauty, their full heads opening up to the sun (they close up each night!), and I get so much pleasure from them. I have before pics which would show more starkly the difference, but I’m limited on computer time as it’s holidays and the boys are home. I’ll try and post them soon. Tulips are so, so beautiful. I adore them.
After my moany post about how sick I was feeling, I slept a full 11 hours. It’s been a bit more manageable since then (mostly), so I think the nausea is worse when I am tired. For example, I got back from a kids party yesterday and felt absolutely dreadful again.
I finally braved the scales this morning. I feel like I have put on so much weight, and I’m bloated all the time now, to the point that I’m starting to feel self-conscious about my appearance, terrified someone might notice. I don’t want to deal with any questions or suspicion at any point soon. However the scales said I have gained just over 2lbs, which is much less than I expected. I must have lost muscle, which will skew this figure, as I’ve done no strength work for weeks and weeks. I am looking forward to feeling a bit more normal and exercising again properly. At the moment I feel sick and breathless even walking up the stairs.
I’m ready to start tapering my prednisolone next week and so glad to do so. The steroids have turned me into a mental zombie. I find mental tasks much harder while taking them. And I’m so ready to say goodbye to the progesterone too.
I’ve also been tentatively thinking that in 2.5 weeks I’ll be at the point of my latest (by date) miscarriage. The latest pregnancy we have lost was 10w4d when the heartbeat stopped. Getting past this point, and subsequently past the 12 week scan will be a massive milestone. At that point I’m going to have to work on the emotional transition out of expecting a miscarriage and into expecting a baby. I can already sense that this is going to be difficult. Having spent almost three years dealing with the first trimester, repeatedly, it’s going to be a big shift for all of us. We still haven’t told anyone (not even my own regular doctor knows, but I’m finally booked to see him on Monday), so we need to work out how and who we’re going to tell. I’m wary of congratulations and over-excitement, especially in the wake of everything we have lost. Most people don’t even have any idea what we’ve been through. I selfishly don’t want anyone else getting excited before I do, but I’m not sure when that will happen for me. Sigh. Anyway, that’s still several weeks away.
Last of all, I haven’t booked in with the midwife system and I probably won’t until after we’ve had a private nuchal scan. I’ve had such a terrible time dealing with the midwife team each time I’ve miscarried and I know that involving them now is just going to cause more stress than it’s worth.
I have much less time to blog and read/comment as the boys are on school holidays. I’m slowly catching up with all your news, but it’s kind of ad hoc at the moment. I’m still here! I love reading about all your lives, so forgive me if I’m absent for days at a time.
My to-dos for the next week (getting back to getting things done), are to plant all our veggie seeds (we have hundreds and I am behind on planting), to get my haircut (for the first time in 18 months), to get the boys new shoes, and to make some more headway with clearing and sorting at home – I am still striving for a minimalist environment and after a long rest I am ready for the next level.