This is clearly just the craziness of a woman who has spent 18 months of her life trying to have a baby and failing, but since ovulating this month, I’ve been wondering if I might be pregnant.
Well, obviously, I wonder about that every month, but what I mean is, this month, I have that feeling, that idea, that somehow, something is going on.
The thing is, I am wondering how much of this speculation is simply down to the fact that I’m waiting to start taking the pill again.
Is that fact alone enough to make me feel like something might be happening?
I am very aware that this is an emotional time and I don’t want to have a massive meltdown on my last month (although hey, that would reinforce my course of action since my wellbeing clearly depends on NOT ttc any longer).
But I can’t quite stop the feeling.
You know what else isn’t helping?
I took my temperature this morning.
I didn’t need to – I have 3 high temps and confirmed ovulation. I should have put the thermometer away. But I didn’t. So I checked it this morning and it has nosedived. A massive drop. Just like my cycle back in May. If you chart regularly, you’ll have heard of the infamous implantation dip, so now a teeny tiny part of me is saying in a quiet and mother-knows-best voice, “That’s unusual,” and it’s raising its eyebrows at me as if to say “Come on woman, you gotta get your hopes up. Last chance to think you’re in with a chance and all that”.
This is not a nice place to be and I can’t focus on anything because of it.
And this is exactly why on the day I get AF I shall be taking my birth control pill happily and I shall be buying a bottle of champagne to share with DH and toast to our future.
Fake it until you make it.