When You Know You’re Not Pregnant

My backache has gone away.

I have absolutely no symptoms whatsoever to analyse. Nothing.

Well, apart from crying at everything – but that happens every month in the two week wait.

I’ve been pregnant 7 times, and I pretty much knew every time that something was going on.

But nothing is going on this month, so I’m fairly sure I’m out again.

And the worst part is that I still have to wait another 6 or so days for AF to arrive.

I’m really angry about messing up my cycle this month with stupid ground flaxseed.

And a friend of mine is due in a few weeks to have her baby. She announced she was pregnant while I was still getting myself together after my miscarriage last year.

I thought we’d probably end up being pregnant at the same time. But nope. I’m still waiting.

I’m just feeling so depressed and miserable. I know this is largely down to my hormones as in the first half of my cycle I’m always fine.

But it doesn’t make it any easier to get through the day.

I’d like to write something more interesting than a ramble through my own misery and impatience, but that’s the kind of mood I’m in right now 🙁

More Raw Week 4

raw food

It’s been an interesting week.

I’ve been really unwell, but I seem to have come out the other side again now and am feeling much better.

I developed a chest infection 9 days ago that took almost a week to shake, and on Thursday I (again) got a terrible sinus infection – my head hurt all the time. It actually felt like it was going to explode when I leant forward.

My eyes have been really gunky in the mornings (eugh) and to top it all off, I’ve been experimenting all week with no chemicals in the bathroom (home made shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lip balm and moisturizer – posts to come!) and my eczema/unidentified rash around my waist has flared up worse than it ever has before. I have been so red and sore and itchy.

I’ve read a lot about detoxing and healing crises, and to be honest I’ve always been quite sceptical of this sort of reaction. But I actually can’t explain why I’ve felt so good for the last three weeks and this week felt so bad (especially given my great percentages).

So maybe this was some kind of detox reaction. My hands have permanent prune-fingers, as though I have just got out of the bath, and are papery and dry.

On the positive side, my skin is feeling really soft on my face and my skin tone is looking more even.

And this is the first week I’ve managed to break the 50% mark in one day, hurrah!

I’ve also noticed that I am really enjoying the raw food now, and look forward (more or less) to eating it. In the beginning I had to make myself eat raw food instead of cooked.

We went to Cafe Nero yesterday and I couldn’t finish my hot chocolate – it tasted too sweet and powdery.

I do feel like I’m a little on the cusp of a major lifestyle change and at the moment it could go either way.

7dpo and Waiting

Seven days past ovulation today.

I have had mild lower backache for the last couple of days that has developed into definite AF-type backache today.

I don’t usually get this until AF is imminent.

I had early mild backache with both of my recent chemical pregnancies, so I’m tentatively hoping that this might be a sign I am pregnant.

(Or it could be a sign that AF is about to arrive, this cycle has been so crazy).

With both of my chemicals I also had a distinct episode of painful cramping (which I reckon was the rejected egg breaking away from the uterus wall), which I haven’t had.

So far.

I tested this morning and it was a stark-white BFN.

I got a faint positive on 7dpo last month and on 8dpo the month before.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings…

Wishing I Was Pregnant

negative hcg test

Before I ovulate I am rational, patient and focused.

A few days after ovulation I become an obsessive analyst of my own physical state, checking off every twinge and feeling, against a list of criteria for being pregnant.

I contacted a human at FF about my chart and they said they suspect ovulation was day 20, not day 18 as the computer has chosen.

I can see an argument for either way, but the reason this matters so much is that it means that tomorrow I am either 5 or 7 days past ovulation. And 7dpo is when I like to start testing!

I am so, so, so wishing to be pregnant… I am just fed up of this waiting, really really fed up with it. I just want to get on with it. I just want to get on with being pregnant and stop all this time from passing where NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

Of course if I am pregnant, I’ll be even more paranoid about a miscarriage because late ovulation is linked to miscarriage.

I can’t win.

I’m going to be a nervous wreck forever at this rate.

Am I ever, ever going to hold a newborn I have birthed in my arms again??

And would life be any easier if I knew the answer to this question?

Progesterone Makes Me Cry

I finally got my crosshairs on my FF graph this morning.

It reckons I ovulated on day 18, not day 20. That’s not a huge surprise, because although my morning temps were low I often check my temperature in the day time, and post ovulation it’s always above 98, which it was on days 19 and 20.

I usually get a very obvious thermal shift, so it’s one more weird thing about this crazy cycle. I have gone from textbook to utter chaos in one month.

The biggest indicator of the fact that I have ovulated though is my mood. I switch from logical, positive, happy lady to tearful, miserable, irritable witch in the space of a couple of days.

I’ve already cried and cried this morning because (get this) my son asked for a lollipop while we reading a story (which had a lollipop in it).

Why?

Because in my progesterone-infused state this is just one more small demand that upsets me when he already has so much.

My children have wonderful toys, go on lots of outings to parks and farms, have regular (but not daily) treats and yet they still want, want, want all the time.

They are never satisfied!

And I think of poorly children who don’t have any of what they have and how dismissive my boys can be of their toys and games and how they can whinge for ages over a small thing that they want that they don’t have and it upsets me so much.

A week ago I would have just ignored it.

No wonder women cry and cry and cry when AF arrives at the end of a progesterone-soaked two weeks.

So. I need to try to get through the next too weeks without crying too much.

Well, most importantly the next few days, because I always test early 🙂

P.S. For the first time in the 6 months that we’ve been trying post-miscarriage I had proper ewcm this month – a 3 inch stretch! 😉 I attribute this entirely to the changes I have made to my diet and am hoping that even though this cycle has been so utterly crazy there might be a chance it’s worked…

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