Other People’s Opinions

You know what the hardest thing about moving on from having another baby is?

It’s the fact that there are people out there who will be proved “right” and who will believe it’s “all for the best”.

These are the people who never understood why we would want another baby in the first place.

Those same people would have loved another baby if one had come along, which makes it even worse.

I have sold the cot, and the double buggy. I have even toyed with the idea of selling all the other baby items we have left in the loft.

I am, in all honesty, feeling ambivalent about the third baby thing.

Mostly, at the moment, I genuinely have no desire to try again. I really don’t mind how long it takes for my cycle to resume, for the bleeding to stop, or for this cyst to resolve, because I’m not on any kind of schedule any more. All of those things are handily preventing me from having to think about it. And that is a relief.

I think I’d kind of reached acceptance of the end of the journey before my last pregnancy, and this latest miscarriage has only strengthened that feeling.

But those doubters.

Those people who are secretly glad we failed. I hate the fact that they have been proven “right”. And these are people who are (supposedly) close to us. They aren’t people we can cut out of our lives.

I don’t know how to manage this part of the journey.

And part of me hates them for their thinking. For the fact they believe that what we have been through, all the losses and tears and broken dreams, are somehow “the right thing in the end”.

How can everything that has happened to us be “all for the best”? Anyone that believes that is surely not someone that cares for us or our dreams.

13 thoughts on “Other People’s Opinions

  1. Ugh. People like that frustrate me too. I’m sure there are some out there that feel the same way about my journey so I get that. I want to say pay them no mind but it is easier said than done, I know. You are a pretty amazing woman Rose. You’ll work ypur way around them. Of that I’m certain.

  2. This is purely just my opinion, but I think we CAN (and sometimes should) cut people from our lives – even ones who society says we can’t. Not all relationships are good for us, and knowing that people are glad to be proven “right,” when you have hurt so much, sounds like those relationships aren’t too good for you. 🙁

    • I’ve been wondering a lot about this sort of action recently. For family members I struggle to justify it, but I’m also terrible for maintaining friendships that are not so much about the friendship, if you know what I mean. There is one person in particular who has always been so negative about my decisions. We have known each other a long time, but I often feel misunderstood and patronised by her. Maybe it is time to set new boundaries.

  3. I couldn’t agree with you more. “All for the best” or “it’s part of God’s plan” people are speaking out of their anxiety and want to remove your struggle and pain from their space or have a belief system that can’t make room for doubt and uncertainty. As for those who are in any measure glad for what you’re going through, well, that’s just foul-hearted. I hear you about not being able to eliminate some people from your life. Sending peace and strength your way.

    • In many ways I think this is true – some people really don’t want to (or can’t) deal with what I have been through. It is easier for them to minimise it, or dismiss it.

  4. Rose, I know it hurts like hell, and that those remarks seem very biting. But perhaps if you looked at them as being delivered from a place of concern for your well-being, as John says above “a want to remove your struggle and pain”, and not a place of them “being right”, maybe it will ease the anxiety you’re feeling.

    Do you honestly believe anyone close (or not even that close) to you harbours malicious thoughts and wishes you heartache? I don’t know who these people are, but I can’t believe that they are so heinous as to secretly wish you continued infertility.

    Try to let go of the anger towards these people (I’m hoping John’s words will help with that, as a new perspective of their motive); the added stress of the anger and anxiety is …well, you know all about the shit that stress can cause, right?

    Be well.
    xoxo nancy

    • I think John meant they wanted to remove my struggle and pain from their lives, not mine 🙂

      I don’t think anyone I know actually wishes malicious or negative things, but there are a couple of people that have made their opinions clear in that they a) thought another baby was a bad idea and b) have commented that “these things always work out for the best”. How can a miscarriage (or five) ever be for the best? Best for me? Best for the boys? Best for them?? I really don’t know.

      It makes me sad (and angry) that they seem to have a set-in-stone idea of the right path for my life.

      It’s just the nature of my personality that I then go one step further into feeling that my failure is to their satisfaction (that part is probably more in my head than in the real world). I feel almost like I need to have another baby asap just to show them what IS for the best. Which is crazy.

      But, as you have said, letting go of this anger is the right thing. Hell, it’s a hard one though. Really tough!

      • So hard, Rose…so hard!

        I had a situation many, many years ago where I was overlooked for a promotion at work for political reasons (i.e. the girl who got it had curried favour with a major big-wig at corporate who basically called our VP and told him to give it to the hussy.). When it was announced that she had landed the job, despite me being better qualified for it, and further that the other role being offered to me (a lateral move, not an upward one) was going to be ‘so great’ for my career – I was furious. They all thought they were right. I was hell-bent to prove them wrong. That they were WRONG to have put her in that role and me in mine.

        This venom that coursed through my veins for the next 3 years was entirely unhealthy. Did I do good work in that new position? Yes. But, did I also make myself very, very sick from all the negative stress and anger? YES! In fact, that’s about the time I was put on blood pressure meds. Oh, and did I mention that I also gained 20 lbs?

        I heard a quote once, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”, or something to that effect. I may be paraphrasing.

        Anyway, I know a career set back for me compares in NO WAY to what you are going through, but I wanted to share my own experience, to tell you that holding onto anger about others’ opinions (whether real or perceived) will do nothing other than to make you sick and stressed.

        When I finally let go of all that and started to just focus on me, my work, my career is when I began to find happiness. And all of that, ultimately lead me to my year of sweat, digging deep, figuring out what’s really important to me.

        Long diatribe, and I’m not sure any of this helps. I guess I’m just hoping that you’ll be good to yourself. That you’ll make decisions based on what you want and need, and not to prove others wrong.

        xoxo

        • Ahhhh I know that feeling well – I remember being passed over at work and feeling just so angry and vengeful!! I’ve heard the expression about drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s all true. So true. And when you think about it logically it makes perfect sense, and I know that focusing on myself and my own happiness is really the only viable option… and yet…

          It does help to hear this – I know it’s true and it’s good to hear it from others. I know I need to work on this and I know I need to not let my opinion of other people’s opinions affect my happiness or my decision-making.

          The thing is, I really can’t change what they think. And I suppose if I feel that I want to spite them into seeing that they are wrong, then maybe they really shouldn’t be playing that big a part in my life anyway. And of course, how big a part they play is simply down to me, not them…

          I have found many of your posts – especially the ones about finding self-worth and confidence inside yourself – so inspiring. I WANT to walk down that path, truly I do. I’m just having some trouble with all the bramble bushes at the moment 🙂

          • Actually, you know what? The annoyance and anger and sadness I feel at this kind of thing is exactly the opposite of focusing on my own needs.

            Jeez. I am so crap at putting myself first. I get this from my poor old mum. She almost drove herself into an early grave looking after her own mother when she was dying of cancer. The mother that beat her for 17 years. I come from a family of doormats – this is my problem!!!!!

  5. Well, I think all my thoughts in response to this one have been more eloquently expressed here already, especially by nancytex. I will just say that the eternal optimist in me hopes these people actually do have good intentions. Also, I believe there is a difference between the notion of things “working out for the best” versus finding a level of acceptance and peace with the twists and turns of life that we have no control over (some we have control over, some we do not. We have minimal control over falling pregnant, and NO control over miscarriages). And I know you are finding your way to peace with whatever path life leads you down next. Love and hugs.

  6. I agree with Valerie and John. Yes, some relationships do need to let go but like John and you said, some are just hard or next to impossible to eliminate. you can at least keep your distance, you don’t need their unhelpful words right now. Nobody has the right to be right when it is about your life.

Leave a reply