One Day To Go

Until I see the consultant at the fertility clinic.

I’m feeling really hormonal. I’ve been bleeding lightly now for 3 days, but it hasn’t developed into a proper AF yet.

This morning as I was pulling up outside school I saw the mum who gave birth on Thursday walking in with her husband, two sons and a baby carrier.

My heart sank. I thought I’d have a couple of days to prepare before the baby showed up. I was feeling tearful already this morning, so I walked into school as slowly as possible, but it wasn’t slowly enough. I arrived in the playground and the doors were still closed and there was nowhere to go, but over to say hello…

She’s had another boy – three boys. What I would have had if my son’s heart hadn’t suddenly stopped without explanation at 10 weeks 4 days (or possibly if any of the other 6 babies had made it in the last three years). She had a home birth – her second. What I desperately wanted and had to have counselling over because my peaceful home birth turned into a hospital emergency. And this morning she’s doing the school run, saying I’m just glad it’s all done and I’ve got my body back to be honest.

Why are some women able to have babies so easily?

I couldn’t look anyone in the eye on the way out, and I cried silent tears all the way home with a monster of envy and jealously in the pit of my stomach. She has everything I have been dreaming of. Just like that.

So.

Not a great start to the morning, but at least now I’ve faced the worst part – seeing the baby for the first time, and having to feign wonder, and excitement and joy.

Tomorrow I meet with the consultant. I’ll call her Dr Bird (no real reason, it’s the first thing that came into my mind).

I have all my forms, all my pregnancy losses listed, all my consent and questionnaires filled out. And a credit card at the ready. Ha ha.

I have no idea what she’s going to say, or recommend.

I’m afraid I’m going to cry when I visit her, because I don’t talk to anyone about this apart from my husband. My emotions are like a great body of water behind a dam that no one else knows is there. I might start crying and not be able to stop. A torrent of almost three years of tears flooding out, like a tsunami through her office. I hope that doesn’t happen. I hope she says something nice. I hope she doesn’t judge me on wanting a baby when I already have two children.

Wouldn’t it be great if I could just go in there, and come out miraculously, perfectly pregnant?

Most of all, I hope that I don’t come out of there tomorrow feeling worse than when I went in.

12 thoughts on “One Day To Go

  1. Oh I am so pleased the day is almost here as I am so hopeful they will be able to comfort you and give you some answers or at least point you in the direction of answers. I have everything crossed for you. Sorry you had to have the baby experience. I read someone once that the universe (if you believe this sort of thing) doesn’t here a negative. So for example when I told Eric not to spell my name wrong on the flight booking all he (and the universe) heard was “spell name wrong”. So maybe when you were thinking with every fibre of your being “I don’t want to see the baby” all the universe heard was “see the baby”. I have no idea who true any of this but it is an interesting thought. I always forget to frame my thoughts the right way but even now and then I remember (like now!) and it happens. Maybe one day it will be automatic. Please update and let us know how you go. xx

    • Oh dear! I really need to change the way I think, ha ha ha! It’s like you focus on an object and whichever way you imagine it turns out is irrelevant, the universe just lets you see that particular thing everywhere. I’ve experienced that before so perhaps I really do need to work on how I present my thoughts to myself. Will update after I’ve seen the doc tomorrow x

  2. It sounds like although you had this uncomfortable experience of having to face this woman and the triggers, you survived. I have been feeling that envy and jealousy as well lately, and it eats away at me, which makes me feel guilty even when I shouldn’t. On the bright side, you’re moving forward, which is exciting. I hope this RE appt brings some hope.

  3. Ugh, I feel you on seeing that woman with her newborn. Last night our friends came over with their three year old and their baby. The baby was the sweetest thing, but even still, it was hard being around a baby at all. Then the baby needed a change of clothes and the parents didn’t have one, so I had to go dig through Lettie’s stored clothes in the basement. Digging through those old cloths, not knowing if I would ever be able to use them again, was brutal. I totally lost it after they left and felt like crap the rest of the night.

    Please don’t worry about crying at the RE. I’m sure she has seen it all. And she will absolutely not judge you for wanting more children. If she does, then she’s a total sham of an RE. It’s their job to help you build the family you want, and I think they are happy to do that. I am excited for you! I remember feeling such hope after I visited mine for the first time.

  4. I am glad you survived the encounter with a new baby, I hear you about how hard that can be! I put off meeting my best friend’s baby for 5 months because I knew it would be hard for me – thankfully she understood and when I did finally meet her little girl this weekend I was able to truly enjoy her. But, I know if I had to meet her unexpectedly as a tiny infant I would have really struggled to keep my composure.
    Wishing you the best tomorrow!

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