No One Escapes The Waiting

Can you guess? My temperature went way back down again this morning. It’s running like a roller coaster at the moment, and I’m actually getting a bit tired of thinking we’re in the two week wait when we’re not.

I did a pregnancy test this morning, to see if it was completely blank yet (the last one a few days back was a ghost line), and I got this:

test9-1

There is still a faint line there. Which probably explains why my body is going so crazy with it’s temps up and down and opks positive one day and then negative and then positive again.

Eugh.

Tiring.

There must be a tiny fragment of tissue hanging on in there that is still pumping out small amounts of hcg. That would explain the weird hormonal symptoms. And I guess my body is trying to normalise itself (hence the attempts at ovulating), but can’t seem to steady everything with the hcg lurking.

So, in the light of that (and the fact that we might not get a try this cycle), I opened up the letter from the fertility clinic which has been sat on the table for a week.

My appointment is in 11 days.

I have to fill out a form, with questions like How many times have you been pregnant?

I feel exhausted even thinking about gathering all the data together. I did a bit of reading on the whole IVF process, which freaked me right out because (as those of you that know me well will know), I am pro-the natural way and heavily anti-drug of any kind.

So then I felt all despairing about having to go to a clinic and have people fiddle around with me and give me god knows what drugs to make my poor ovaries do god knows what and god knows I can’t even bring myself to think about my own eggs being fertilised outside my body…

Sigh.

But the bottom line is, I want this baby so much, so much it is like a pain in my chest that never goes away, and in three months it’ll be three years of trying without getting anywhere, so it’s looking like IVF might be the only way to get there before my ovaries finally switch off and go silent after all those years of faithfully cycling eggs.

I really struggle with control and the reason I’ve found these last few days so hard is because I have no idea what is going on. I don’t like that!

I’ll probably blog less when I’m obsessing over my ovaries less. Then you’ll all breathe a sigh of relief and think thank god she’s finally gone quiet 😉

8 thoughts on “No One Escapes The Waiting”

  1. Never am I glad when you go quiet! Never! IVF is tricky for us type A personalities as you have no control at all and things never go to plan so just do your best to prepare yourself. As you know I am also very pro-natural but despite my whiny post today the hormones actually aren’t all that bad. They aren’t great and you wouldn’t want to do it for all eternity but they are not as bad as I was worried about. You will be OK Miss Rose. xx

  2. I have to admit, I read through your last IVF all in one go, and at the time I thought, hey – the actual process is not as horrendous as I imagined it would be! In part I think knowing that you went through it without going crazy or losing a leg (or something – I don’t know, I’m afraid of medical stuff), made me more amenable to considering it. Husband brought it up before xmas, but I think I was already coming around again that it might be something we could try. Ah… we’ll see what happens. They might tell me I’ve no chance in hell given my history, which would make it an easy decision 😉

    • Yes – I was thinking that. I’ll be the deranged woman shouting “I don’t care about IVF just tell me what my ovaries are doing!!” Ha ha!

  3. Ughhhhh! That second line needs to get packing. Go to your appointment, talk with the doc, and then see how you feel about IVF after that. I think just going to the appointment is key. It might make you feel more at ease, or you might be like, uh-uh, no way, but I really do think either way you’ll have a clearer sense of if it’s the right path for you. In my experience, IVF was really not bad. It a downright cakewalk compared to a miscarriage. You’e made of tough stuff — you can definitely handle IVF.

    • Thank you. And yes – I think you’re right – it’ll be clearer once I’ve actually been there and spoken to them. The anticipation for me is probably much worse than anything else cause I’ve made it such a big deal in my head. It feels a bit like an admission of failure too. It’s hard for me to accept I need help with anything.

  4. Hopefully you’ll get some answers and feel relieved after this appointment. I just had to fill all that paperwork out for my RE as well…it’s no fun. And fingers crossed that once you go, your cycle cooperates so you aren’t sitting in a big fat waiting game, like mine is making me do! Stupid ovaries!!! 🙂

    • I just read your latest post. The waiting – jeez it’s just unbearable. It goes on and on and on and on and I’m so fed up with it all. And I can tell that you are too. I know what it’s like analysing every twinge, every symptom, wondering the whole time what the hell is going on. Hopefully both of us will escape this soon. X

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