3 Items on today’s list.
1) My chart
My pregnancy tests are finally coming back completely negative though (yay!).
I guess there is a chance that I may still ovulate this month, but I’m spotting already and I’m not sure the egg would be any good. So for now, we wait.
2) The pregnant mum
There is a mum I know from the playground (my oldest started Reception in September) who is pregnant. It’s a small school, so we pretty much all know each other now a few months have passed.
She has been getting conspicuously bigger and bigger since I first saw her in September, and her due date is tomorrow.
I have been as distant as I can manage without being rude. I’ve politely refrained from joining in speculation over whether it’s a boy or a girl. I’ve even found myself unable to ask her how her last trimester was going the one time I was alone in the playground with her. I’ve had to avert my eyes from her (now huge) belly every time I talk to her, focusing solely on eye-contact, lest I should catch a glimpse of it.
This morning, her husband did drop off, and I overheard him tell the Head that she had gone into labour.
She has two boys, just like me. They are two years apart, so a similar age difference. And now she is giving birth to her third. She’s really nice, and her boys are really nice, and all I can feel is horrible, horrible jealously. It is such an ugly emotion, so shameful. I hate that I feel this way, yet I can’t seem to put it to one side. There is a little voice in my head that says quietly, that should be me.
And worst of all, is the dread of all the playground excitement to come on seeing the newborn. How I will have to coo and fuss and say how gorgeous and ask how she is doing.
It makes me want to cry. Or perhaps get DH to do the school run for the next three months.
You know, last weekend, we took the boys to soft play, and when we sat down I immediately noticed that there was a woman at the next table with a newborn. The baby couldn’t have been more than 4 weeks old. She was in my direct line of sight and I had to try not to look as she got him out, fed him, cuddled him, and then (bizarrely) laid him flat on the table on a muslin. Yeah, next to the coffees and mobile phones.
It just messes with my head to see people with tiny babies. I can’t imagine how they ever managed to get pregnant and actually produce a child. Which is crazy, because I’ve been there. But these days it seems so far away and fuzzy, and frankly almost unlikely that it ever actually happened. Seeing newborn babies really is like a miracle to me. But not in the good oh, they are such a blessing way, more in the how the f*ck were they lucky enough for that to happen? way.
It’s a sorry state of affairs.
3) Juice Fast
Juicer is arriving today (update: delivery slot is during the school run, so it might be tomorrow if I miss it), and I can’t wait. I’m hoping to get the boys into it too – any way I can sneak more fruit and veg into them is good.
DH and I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead 2 last night. Really inspiring film. Right at the end was a home video from a woman who had done a two month juice fast with her husband, lost 25 pounds and gotten pregnant after doctors had told them they would never be able to have children.
Food is medicine.