Newborn Alert

3 Items on today’s list.

1) My chart

chart

Totally flatlined.

My pregnancy tests are finally coming back completely negative though (yay!).

I guess there is a chance that I may still ovulate this month, but I’m spotting already and I’m not sure the egg would be any good. So for now, we wait.

2) The pregnant mum

There is a mum I know from the playground (my oldest started Reception in September) who is pregnant. It’s a small school, so we pretty much all know each other now a few months have passed.

She has been getting conspicuously bigger and bigger since I first saw her in September, and her due date is tomorrow.

I have been as distant as I can manage without being rude. I’ve politely refrained from joining in speculation over whether it’s a boy or a girl. I’ve even found myself unable to ask her how her last trimester was going the one time I was alone in the playground with her. I’ve had to avert my eyes from her (now huge) belly every time I talk to her, focusing solely on eye-contact, lest I should catch a glimpse of it.

This morning, her husband did drop off, and I overheard him tell the Head that she had gone into labour.

She has two boys, just like me. They are two years apart, so a similar age difference. And now she is giving birth to her third. She’s really nice, and her boys are really nice, and all I can feel is horrible, horrible jealously. It is such an ugly emotion, so shameful. I hate that I feel this way, yet I can’t seem to put it to one sideThere is a little voice in my head that says quietly, that should be me.

And worst of all, is the dread of all the playground excitement to come on seeing the newborn. How I will have to coo and fuss and say how gorgeous and ask how she is doing.

It makes me want to cry. Or perhaps get DH to do the school run for the next three months.

You know, last weekend, we took the boys to soft play, and when we sat down I immediately noticed that there was a woman at the next table with a newborn. The baby couldn’t have been more than 4 weeks old. She was in my direct line of sight and I had to try not to look as she got him out, fed him, cuddled him, and then (bizarrely) laid him flat on the table on a muslin. Yeah, next to the coffees and mobile phones.

It just messes with my head to see people with tiny babies. I can’t imagine how they ever managed to get pregnant and actually produce a child. Which is crazy, because I’ve been there. But these days it seems so far away and fuzzy, and frankly almost unlikely that it ever actually happened. Seeing newborn babies really is like a miracle to me. But not in the good oh, they are such a blessing way, more in the how the f*ck were they lucky enough for that to happen? way.

It’s a sorry state of affairs.

3) Juice Fast

Juicer is arriving today (update: delivery slot is during the school run, so it might be tomorrow if I miss it), and I can’t wait. I’m hoping to get the boys into it too – any way I can sneak more fruit and veg into them is good.

DH and I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead 2 last night. Really inspiring film. Right at the end was a home video from a woman who had done a two month juice fast with her husband, lost 25 pounds and gotten pregnant after doctors had told them they would never be able to have children.

Food is medicine.

3 thoughts on “Newborn Alert

  1. Yay for leveling out!! And sorry about the mom at school. The one thing that I thought strange when reading that…why did the father drop off, if she was in labor? Why wasn’t he with her, and have someone else drop the boys off? Sorry, that’s just where my mind went lol!! Hope you can find the strength to get through seeing her the next few months, or the ability to avoid. 😉 And excited for you that your juicer will arrive soon! My FitBit arrived last night, but I was too much in a mood to deal with it, so that’s my mission for today!

  2. Ahhh a fitbit!! They are brilliant – I found the sleep tracker was so revealing once I had a few weeks data to look at. 10,000 steps is a LONG way each day though. Good luck and let us know how you get on!

    Yeah, I guess someone had to look after the younger two? I don’t know. Her mum is local, so maybe she went to the hospital with her.

    Juicer still not here. I’m tapping my fingers impatiently with a pile of apples and carrots ready to go 😉

  3. I wish I didn’t always yearn after seeing babies, and feel that pang of jealousy over pregnant women. I pray for it to go away my feelings of jealousy to be happy with what I have, but all I see and feel is what is missing
    Cannot wait to hear about your juice fast.

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