I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about moving on from trying for a third baby.
I’ve been wondering if maybe that isn’t the path I was supposed to take.
Maybe I already have my whole family here and trying for another is just a distraction from enjoying them.
TTC (trying to conceive) is affecting my whole life.
I have a group of mummy friends who I am starting to dread meeting up with (one has a newborn and another has a baby due in September). The talk of pregnancy and babies, which seems to have been non-stop since I had my miscarriage last August is getting me down more and more. The two that aren’t pregnant, or recently pregnant, are happy that their families are complete, so love talking baby and birth. I just feel like the inadequate one in the corner 🙁
Ovulation signs, potential pregnancy symptoms, the monthly red tide of doom, it all occupies almost every waking thought and it is getting me down.
It is DS2’s birthday next month. He will be 2 and it will be exactly one year since the day we had to cancel his 1st birthday party because I was in the hospital trying not to bleed to death.
I feel anxious and apprehensive about upcoming family visits for reasons I can’t really explain. I feel protective and defensive and like I want to keep DS2 all to myself and for no one to visit us or bring presents 🙁
I feel like a great, big, fat, failure of a woman that my body has been unable to sustain a pregnancy this time around.
How do you move on from this?
How do women decide that they are going to end their TTC journey?
Part of me thinks I should stop seeing my mummy friends because it is making me miserable, make the commitment to leave all this TTC stuff behind, set up another blog with a less niche title, find another project/job/plan to focus on and MOVE ON.
Get my life back.
And then part of me thinks about how I will feel when I am 80 (if I live that long), probably sitting in a community care home, looking back on my life. Will I wish then that I had carried on trying no matter what?
At least when you have a broken heart, you have to just deal with getting over it.
When you stop TTC because it isn’t working, you have to make the decision to stop AND get over your own decision.
And at 8dpo I’m pretty certain a fat lot of nothing is happening this month. No feelings at all that I might be pregnant. No symptoms to convince me. Nothing to make me think I have anything ahead except self-torture and misery.
I need a plan, but I feel totally paralysed by the enormity of it all right now.
All I know is that I am not happy.