Moving On – How?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about moving on from trying for a third baby.

I’ve been wondering if maybe that isn’t the path I was supposed to take.

Maybe I already have my whole family here and trying for another is just a distraction from enjoying them.

TTC (trying to conceive) is affecting my whole life.

I have a group of mummy friends who I am starting to dread meeting up with (one has a newborn and another has a baby due in September). The talk of pregnancy and babies, which seems to have been non-stop since I had my miscarriage last August is getting me down more and more. The two that aren’t pregnant, or recently pregnant, are happy that their families are complete, so love talking baby and birth. I just feel like the inadequate one in the corner 🙁

Ovulation signs, potential pregnancy symptoms, the monthly red tide of doom, it all occupies almost every waking thought and it is getting me down.

It is DS2’s birthday next month. He will be 2 and it will be exactly one year since the day we had to cancel his 1st birthday party because I was in the hospital trying not to bleed to death.

I feel anxious and apprehensive about upcoming family visits for reasons I can’t really explain. I feel protective and defensive and like I want to keep DS2 all to myself and for no one to visit us or bring presents 🙁

I feel like a great, big, fat, failure of a woman that my body has been unable to sustain a pregnancy this time around.

How do you move on from this?

How do women decide that they are going to end their TTC journey?

How??

Part of me thinks I should stop seeing my mummy friends because it is making me miserable, make the commitment to leave all this TTC stuff behind, set up another blog with a less niche title, find another project/job/plan to focus on and MOVE ON.

Get my life back.

And then part of me thinks about how I will feel when I am 80 (if I live that long), probably sitting in a community care home, looking back on my life. Will I wish then that I had carried on trying no matter what?

At least when you have a broken heart, you have to just deal with getting over it.

When you stop TTC because it isn’t working, you have to make the decision to stop AND get over your own decision.

It’s shit.

And at 8dpo I’m pretty certain a fat lot of nothing is happening this month. No feelings at all that I might be pregnant. No symptoms to convince me. Nothing to make me think I have anything ahead except self-torture and misery.

I need a plan, but I feel totally paralysed by the enormity of it all right now.

All I know is that I am not happy.

10 thoughts on “Moving On – How?

  1. Wow, I can empathize with so much of this. I mean really, we are leading parallel lives in so much of what you described. I cannot figure out what my plan is right now. I cannot figure out how anyone moves on and really, truly makes the decision to stop TTC. And the whole thing about looking back later and life and possibly having regrets about not trying harder, longer, exploring more options, etc. – I am SOOOO there. I don’t have answers. But you are not alone.

    • I’m really glad I found your blog – I could have written so much of what I’ve read on there. This is a hard place to be.

  2. I felt the same way after repeated miscarriages, I really did. I wondered why I couldn’t just enjoy the two children I had and leave this “rainbow” baby (as they like to call them) out of the picture. Funny enough, we weren’t even trying for Samuel. We had been trying for the others that we lost, but he was a surprise. I fully expected to lose him too, but thank the Lord, we didn’t.
    I think miscarriage has a profound effect on a woman. I know I felt like a failure even though I’d brought two healthy children into the world already. I needed to have another healthy baby more than ever after having miscarriages…to somehow “fix” what had happened. *sigh* It is so, so hard to have been through a miscarriage. 🙁
    Big **HUGS**, Rose.

    • What you said about fixing what happened is so true. I DO need to fix it. To fix it all – the emotional anguish, the waiting, the miscarriage, three brief chemical pregnancies, people’s comments, opinions and how life has been… I feel (wrongly, or rightly) that if I could only get pregnant and have a healthy baby, everything would be OK. All the pain would be soothed. Moving on without that ‘fix’ just seems impossible, like I’ll be emotionally scarred forever.

  3. I spent 3 years having no idea how to *stop* ttc. As far as I was and am concerned it only stops when you use contraception.

    Even after treatment helped me conceive, I still felt like I was ttc, that it wasn’t right or natural. So the pain didn’t go away; I still resented others getting pregnant. I still avoided other mummy and to-be friends.

    Blogging, sharing and reading was the only thing that ever helped even a little.

    I haven’t checked back through, but have you both been checked for problems by doctors.

    I’m very sorry for your loss,
    Hugs x

  4. I feel for you so much and wish I had some answers for you. I think stopping Ttc is something you just KNOW. Hence why some women / men get tubes cut or tied. They are THAT sure. Anything else , sort of maybe knowing that you’re ok with two etc etc – that’s not enough. You’re not ready to stop trying.
    My sister would never have more. Her husband feels the same. She gave away all the baby stuff and she even sort of sneers at babies now. 😉
    Now THERE’S a person who knows. You? No. Not yet. Keep trying but my advice. Just do it in a more relaxed fashion. Roughly you know when you ovulate. Throw away the Ov Sticks. Take a gamble. You will find that you did it more NOT knowing when you ovulate than when you do know. The concern that it might be tonight means you do it do it and do it more. Also what if, like Monica said to chandler on FRIENDS, his swimmers are slow. Give some am early start and get them in there before the egg. They live for quite a long time those tadpoles. Resilient little things some of them.
    Just some thoughts.
    Love
    F xx

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