Month 17 of TTC

Oddly, trying for a baby hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind so much this cycle.

Maybe because of this I feel like I need to write about it. I am unsure if I am moving on, or if I’m just in a better place mentally, but either way, spilling my thoughts out into the world seems to give me a clarity that I often lack when they are confined to my own head, so here goes.

Observations

  • I’ve started thinking, on occasions scattered here and there, that maybe it’s not the end of the world if I don’t have another baby.
  • I’ve been more focused on the day to day reality of my two boys instead of stuck in my head longing for this fantasy of 3 kids, and I’ve really felt a massive tidal wave of love and appreciation for both of them encompass me. Maybe I wouldn’t feel incomplete if it didn’t happen.
  • The thought of an opportunity to write for a living is incredibly exciting (although I’m desperately trying not to be excited in case it doesn’t happen), and getting pregnant wouldn’t exactly be compatible with that.
  • DH and I have been making a point of giving each other lots of child free time and for the first time in years, literally, I am not feeling so hopelessly overwhelmed by everything I have to do. I’ve been doing things for me, running regularly, and spending time with my own thoughts and it has been amazing. For a quiet thinker like me, this time alone has restored my sense of self.
  • I’m on CD12, and getting the odd bit of ovulation pain (note: running really helps!), but I’m not sure I want to ‘try’. We did BD a couple of times on days 9/10, which is early, so I know we should be getting down to it again, but… I actually don’t think I can be bothered. Seriously.
  • I’ve stopped seeing my Mummy friends who have newborns. I’ve had valid (ish) excuses for absence for the last couple of weeks, but I’ve felt so much better not being surrounded by pregnant people and tiny babies. I wonder how much these friendships are affecting my personal feelings. Don’t get me wrong – I love these ladies – but at this critical time, when I am trying to work out my own feelings, being immersed in talk of pregnancy, birth and babies doesn’t give me room to think objectively.
  • Saying all of that, I am still taking conception supplements and checking my temperature each morning.

So where do I stand?

I have no idea.

I don’t know if I’m entering some kind of transition and will emerge happy and just say goodbye to pregnancy and babies forever, or whether I’m going to end up a total, emotional mess again when my period is due (4 days after my 5k. Nice timing for feeling all heavy and bloated, huh?).

Anyway, I am actually too tired to write anything else at all after today’s run, so I’m off to bed.

May we all sleep safe and sound.

4 thoughts on “Month 17 of TTC”

  1. HUGS! It does sound like you are in a better place… I too have been thinking more and more about what life will be like without a baby/babies in our lives. All the things we could do! LOL Be blessed! Keep thinking quietly- you will have time to figure it out… you are doing great!

    La-

  2. I know BD stands for Baby Dance but when I read it I honestly thought “Bone Down” LOL. Seriously though Rose you have made remarkable progress within yourself through this whole TTC process and perhaps that is the lesson. Life is always trying to give us one and maybe that’s what this one is. I don’t think you have to know what the way forward it right at this moment. Just keep taking it day by day. The answers will appear when the conditions are right. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. XX

  3. you sound like you are making great leaps in letting go and acceptance. I hope that you will be pregnant again but if that is not what is meant to happen, you sound as if you are making strides to be ok with that and that is wonderful. I am happy to hear that you are taking care of you! xo

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