Well, it was bound to happen. And I’m sure it won’t be the last time.
I’ve had a lot of aching where my uterus is over the last two days. A lot. It’s totally freaking me out. I am convinced the baby (which is little more than a poppy seed-sized cell ball) is dead in there.
DH and I rowed at the weekend (well, he got angry and I cried). He is stressed at work, miserable, unhappy, and eating all the time. He himself isn’t even sure where his problems are coming from, but having him in the house is just an extra person that I need to worry about. DS1 and DS2 are difficult enough to manage. Aged 4 and 2 they are boisterous and fight and squabble all day long. Add grumpy DH into the mix and the house is just horrible.
Then I missed my green smoothie yesterday as we visited friends and half a day turned into a whole day away. It was lovely to see them, but I hadn’t planned for it, so no smoothie for me. It sounds crazy, but those green smoothies are like a lifeline to getting my fruit and veg each day. When I miss one it makes me terrified I’m not feeding my body enough of the right things.
This morning the house was a state. The kind of food-on-the-floor and grubby-kitchen state that I absolutely can’t bear. So I tried to clean up the kitchen… of course, doing this with a 4 year old and 2 year old running around is neigh-on impossible.
Even putting a movie on for them didn’t really work, and DS2 is still super-grumpy from his croup last week.
The short story is I ended up crying my eyes out over the state of the kitchen, thinking how filthy and disgusting and dirty it was. The boys wanted my attention, the grime and dirty floor just seemed like the end of the world and I sat on the floor (yep, in the dirt) and cried.
Really cried. Great big out-loud sobbing, and rivers of tears.
At first I thought it was because of the house (and the bloody sink in the bathroom that started leaking on Saturday), and the kitchen, but then I realised it wasn’t really that at all.
It was this baby. This baby that I am convinced is already gone.
How the fuck am I going to make it to 6 weeks when I’m walking around convinced that every twinge is my uterus rejecting the pregnancy. Every morning I am pissed off that I feel bloated and that I am getting these sensations because my body has fooled me before. When I had my missed miscarriage, my body carried on with the pregnancy for 4 whole weeks. 4 WEEKS of morning sickness and sore boobs while I carried a dead baby around.
I don’t trust my body, I’m convinced that this is going nowhere and I am angry and upset about it. I don’t want to be walking around pregnant if it isn’t going to work. It’s a waste of time and energy and I am so hacked off with the whole thing.
I just don’t have the patience for a bad pregnancy.
Anyway, the day goes on. The boys carry on fighting. The rain keeps falling. My uterus keeps aching.
What can you do?