I’ve been neglecting this blog. I’ve been doing other things – mostly just being happier.
I’m spending more time with the boys, getting out with friends again, feeling excited about the future (even though it is a fuzzy thing with nothing definite in it).
I thought that the title of this blog was keeping me away, but it wasn’t. It’s life. And life is just different now.
I’ve been watching two close friends go through the newborn phase and I haven’t felt a scrap of envy or jealousy. I see them trying to breastfeed a squirming, crying baby while dealing with the demands of toddlers and preschoolers and how tired and worn out they look and I think to myself:
Phew. It’s so nice to just have my 3 and 2 year old running around. No buggy, no milk worries, only one nap to think about…
Do you know what I feel?
Don’t get me wrong, I’d be over the moon if a miracle occurred and I got pregnant, but on a day to day basis, the despair and desperation is fading faster than I ever thought possible.
So, I’ve changed my title back – ha ha!
Because I’m going to move on, and leave this blog standing. I will write here until the last chapter of our TTC journey (see below) and then I will leave it here, just in case it has any use to anyone in the future going through something similar. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
In the meantime, I’m sort of working on a maybe-project that I will link to if I stick with it. At the moment it’s experimental!
As for TTC, I’ve worked out that if I don’t get pregnant within the next two cycles, any new baby would drop into the next academic year (a September birthday). This is a big deal for me because as an older mother, it would mean another year with a baby at home for a difference of four weeks AND a huge academic difference between my youngest and my two boys (who are back-to-back in school years).
It would also mean getting involved in work/writing/something for myself would potentially be on hold even longer.
Yes, it’s an arbitrary date, but it’s a cut off point I’m comfortable with. I’m not really bothering with any new conception ideas any more (previously I have tried something new pretty much every month, with no success), and I think I genuinely am at a point where I could just stop.
Even thinking about the cot and other baby stuff in the loft no longer makes me want to instantly break down and cry.
So. I’m due to ovulate after the weekend and once more after that before I call it quits. I think at that point I may move onto the contraceptive pill to break OUT of the habit of watching ovulation and counting days.
I’ll probably post about my last two cycles here, for completeness.
You have all been an awesome support through this dark, dark journey, and I know that every one of you that has taken the time to read and comment has helped me get through this.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.