Missing In Action

I’ve been neglecting this blog. I’ve been doing other things – mostly just being happier.

I’m spending more time with the boys, getting out with friends again, feeling excited about the future (even though it is a fuzzy thing with nothing definite in it).

I thought that the title of this blog was keeping me away, but it wasn’t. It’s life. And life is just different now.

I’ve been watching two close friends go through the newborn phase and I haven’t felt a scrap of envy or jealousy. I see them trying to breastfeed a squirming, crying baby while dealing with the demands of toddlers and preschoolers and how tired and worn out they look and I think to myself:

Phew. It’s so nice to just have my 3 and 2 year old running around. No buggy, no milk worries, only one nap to think about…

Do you know what I feel?

Freedom.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d be over the moon if a miracle occurred and I got pregnant, but on a day to day basis, the despair and desperation is fading faster than I ever thought possible.

So, I’ve changed my title back – ha ha!

Why?

Because I’m going to move on, and leave this blog standing. I will write here until the last chapter of our TTC journey (see below) and then I will leave it here, just in case it has any use to anyone in the future going through something similar. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.

In the meantime, I’m sort of working on a maybe-project that I will link to if I stick with it. At the moment it’s experimental!

As for TTC, I’ve worked out that if I don’t get pregnant within the next two cycles, any new baby would drop into the next academic year (a September birthday). This is a big deal for me because as an older mother, it would mean another year with a baby at home for a difference of four weeks AND a huge academic difference between my youngest and my two boys (who are back-to-back in school years).

It would also mean getting involved in work/writing/something for myself would potentially be on hold even longer.

Yes, it’s an arbitrary date, but it’s a cut off point I’m comfortable with. I’m not really bothering with any new conception ideas any more (previously I have tried something new pretty much every month, with no success), and I think I genuinely am at a point where I could just stop.

Even thinking about the cot and other baby stuff in the loft no longer makes me want to instantly break down and cry.

So. I’m due to ovulate after the weekend and once more after that before I call it quits. I think at that point I may move onto the contraceptive pill to break OUT of the habit of watching ovulation and counting days.

I’ll probably post about my last two cycles here, for completeness.

You have all been an awesome support through this dark, dark journey, and I know that every one of you that has taken the time to read and comment has helped me get through this.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

X

16 thoughts on “Missing In Action

  1. You had me at, “I’ve been doing other things – mostly just being happier.”! So happy that you are in a good place, Rose. You deserve peace and happiness in your life!

  2. Wishing you all the best! I bounce between happy and sad about having or not have more children. There are days when I wish we could try again ‘if only’ there could be a guarantee of full term birth, success at breastfeeding, yadda yadda yadda – and then there are days when I fully appreciate the freedom and relative easiness of life as it is with our 4 year olds – then I picture carrying another baby, the literal stuff that comes with it and I wonder why I would consider it. It waxes and wanes.

    • It really does – even now I have moments unexpectedly when I feel tears prick my eyes, and then later that same day I will be thinking how wonderful it is to not have to worry about pregnancy/birth/newborns again. I think that is a natural cycle in our emotions. I always feel grateful first thing in the morning that I don’t have a baby to tend to (because I’m so damn tired!), but the afternoons tend to be my wistful time, when I think of what I am missing. Crazy isn’t it!!

      • Even knowing I don’t want anymore, I still have those moments. I think most women do but I have to tell myself I can’t have more children just because of nostalgia. My son is over 2 and quite independent and it fills me with pride and sadness at the distance I am from babyhood. So fleeting it is! Whichever way it goes, you’ll always have tearful moments thinking of new babies…at least I will 😉

  3. We are on the same wavelength in so many ways. I’ve mostly been happier lately, too, and feel less “darkness.” And yes, the realities of a newborn again are daunting. And I ain’t getting any younger, either. I struggle to get a decent night’s sleep each night as it is, and live in a state of exhaustion even now, and my daughter just turned 4. The freedom of this age and developmental stage feels liberating. SO glad you are finding happiness and peace of mind! You deserve it.

    • Thank you. I have noticed the same in your writing – I get the impression the anger isn’t so prevalent any more. You know, I spent a lot of time on infertility/miscarriage forums and I noticed that for some people, the anger gets worse and worse, and the bitterness just takes over their whole lives in the end. I felt so sad and emotional reading posts from women who had lost all sense of themselves after years and years of trying and I was terrified I was going to end up the same. I think seeing into the future like that helped me realise that I would be throwing away what I had already if I decided that nothing but a baby was the answer to my happiness. It’s not easy. I wish you the best of luck with everything – I will still be reading!!! XXX

  4. Please leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind you as you travel on… I love to read your stories and I wish you the VERY best in all of your adventures!!! I’m a pretty empathetic sort so I’m SOOOO happy for your sense of freedom and peace. Again, I wish I could hug you – not to comfort but to cheer. So from far across the pond…hugs and cheers to you, Rose Who Rocks. 🙂

    • Thank you sweet Ginny!! I will. And big virtual hug ((((((()))))))) You are amazing – keep writing and don’t ever stop X

  5. Oh Rose I’m going to miss you!!!!!! I’m so glad you are finding some peace now though. If you blog elsewhere make sure you stop by so I know where to find you. Anyway, you aren’t going yet. So I’ll stop talking like you are 🙂

  6. So glad you are finding peace and joy with your decisions. There is something to be said for taking control and not always feeling like you are at the mercy of circumstances. I am sure your new journey will be amazing! Keep us posted!

  7. Wow Rose do you hear that? There is a huge difference in your choice of words from even just a few weeks ago. Your new found peace makes me happy, I’m so glad you are enjoying life again. I will miss you but hope you pass along the details of your new journey. I’m really feeling positive for this new chapter of your life. Kudos to you! xx

    • Thank you. Yes, I do feel so different. I never thought I’d find peace – I was terrified of still crying and being angry as an old woman, deprived of the one thing I wanted… I didn’t want to end up that way. I think I just became so fixated on it that everything else in the world seemed unimportant, which is just not the case. I will still be around though – no goodbyes yet!!!

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