Low Key

Four days ago, I had a conversation with DH that went like this:

R: I did a test.

DH: Oh?

R: There was a faint line. Well, a shadow really.

DH: Hmm. [raises eyebrows]

Since then, each morning, DH and I have a conversation that goes like this:

DH: Did you do a test?

R: Yes. There’s still a faint line.

DH: Hmm. [raises eyebrows]

That’s it.

And this is one of the reasons DH is so great. He knows that this may mean nothing. He knows that I don’t want to get emotionally invested in something that could literally disappear overnight. He doesn’t judge. He just likes to be kept informed.

This morning I was convinced when I woke up that the line would be gone.

I’d had a sudden rush of worry over everything last night and was concerned I was feeling positive about something that in all likelihood wasn’t going to happen. I have been in this exact situation three times already, not even mentioning my three later miscarriages. When I woke up, I just felt like it had gone.

I went to the bathroom with trepidation. I did the test and got in the shower.

5 minutes later I checked it:

11dpo positive hcg test

That’s no squinter.

That is a BFP.

A BFP.

Let me just state that again.

A BFP.

After all this TIME. And all the LONGING. And all the TEARS.

I can’t even count how many times I have stared at a pregnancy test just WILLING a baby into existence. If I could have burned that pink line into a test with my eyes…

Well, you get what I’m saying.

I almost cried this morning.

I say almost, because I have wanted to see those two, beautiful pink lines for so long but I am still terrified that believing in them will make them go away.

So we’re pretty low key about all this at the moment.

My period is due on Monday, or Tuesday if I was having an unusually long cycle, and I still have to get past that date for this to be anything other than a chemical. Anything other than two lines from some hormones running around my body. In previous pregnancies I have often had a little spotting around the time of my first two periods (at 4 and 8 weeks), presumably from the underlying rhythm of my cycle. Facing spotting of any kind is daunting, even if expected.

So.

We’ll take each day as it comes.

But slap my arse and call me Sally, those lines look lovely to me.

19 thoughts on “Low Key”

  1. Woo-hoo!! I love the look of those lines! 😀
    I completely understand your reservations. I painfully wait until I am a few weeks late before testing, but even then I cannot connect with the reality of the baby. It took me until about 20 weeks with Samuel. 🙄 That’s when I finally “got” that it was happening; before that, I was expecting it to end.
    I am hopeful for you, Rose! Big HUGS!!

  2. I can’t believe it! I am so excited but cautious right along with you because I am just so hopeful. Congrats and big hugs to you!I can’t imagine how awesome you must be feeling!! 2014 is your year to shine in so many ways. xoxoxo

  3. Oh boy!! Trying not to get too excited for you… But this whole week has been very suspenseful! Hugs! Prayers for a full term healthy pregnancy!
    La-

  4. Hello! That’s no squinter! I’m so freaking excited for you, but I will keep it in check and not yet spill all the brazenly joyful thoughts in my head. One day at a time. Hoping so hard for you Rose! Hugs and hugs and then some more hugs!!

  5. I’ll be thinking of you! Congrats! I know you will keep us posted – you better, because I will be wondering how you are doing. 🙂 This is amazing news. I know how hard the coming days and weeks can be so I’m wishing you all the best. 🙂 xoxoxo

  6. Holy shit Rose! OMG this is amazing!!!! I am so ecstatic I could jump through my screen and give you a huge hug. I know it’s early yet and there are lots of hurdles ahead but man this is the best news I’ve heard all week. See your bod is super on board with the new you! Jumping for joy over here right now xxx

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