Letting Go

Last night, early labour-like cramps started. Heavy bleeding followed, along with relief that it was finally happening. After an uncomfortable evening and several pad changes I went to bed. I was expecting a disturbed night, but the pain settled and then left.

This morning although I had some more heavy bleeding, the cramps were mild and intermittent. They tailed off by the end of breakfast. Since then, the bleeding has slowed down to very little.

I’ve been through this so many times, and I know I haven’t passed the pregnancy. My temp was 98.3 this morning and runs at sub 97.9 in the follicular phase, so the miscarriage is incomplete. So far.

I’m hoping it will pick up again tomorrow (or very soon). I want this to be done. I want to let go.

Or maybe I don’t. Maybe my body, that has tried so hard for me but keeps failing, doesn’t want to give up just yet.

My sense of appreciation for this physical body that carries me around has never been stronger or more accepting. At the age of 40 I love every mark and every scar on my skin. Every stretch mark, every lump and every less-than-perfect contour. Repeat miscarriages have taught me many things, but most profoundly, although they initially made me hate my physical self, they finally reunited my mind and body with a deep love and respect.

My body is not at war with what I want, and it is not the enemy. It has taken me so much time to realise this.

So, I wait some more. I understand that although mentally I am ready to move on, the physical body still grieves. It hangs on, tries it’s hardest to maintain hormonal balance, works tirelessly to sustain a pregnancy that was never going to be a success. Such determination. Such commitment. The kind of commitment that will hopefully result in a happier outcome at some future point.

Letting go is not just an emotional process, but a physical one too, and they may not always run to the same schedule. I have to accept that, and wait patiently for them both to arrive at the destination.

13 thoughts on “Letting Go”

  1. This is so true, but makes me so sad. Despite bleeding on Monday and Wednesday, I havent had any bleeding since. I have to agree that my body just isn’t ready to let go yet–a thought that makes me feel both proud and heartbroken. I admire your kindness and compassion for your body. I am so not there yet. Maybe someday. I hope your body catches up with your mind soon so you can have some closure.

    • Thank you, and again I am so sorry for what you are going through 🙁 Our bodies have their own unique agenda – what I find hardest is how difficult it is for us to know what that is. Wishing you peace and a straightforward path through what’s to come xxx

  2. I am envious and full of admiration for your love and respect for your body. And, I love your closing paragraph of this post. Heck, I just loved this post, for some reason it really resonated with me.
    Love to you as you wait for your body to arrive at the same place as your heart.

  3. My body wasn’t ready to let go during my miscarriage in Sept, so I had a D&C two weeks later. You are so right that letting go is a two-part parallel process, and that both parts don’t necessarily find closure at the same time. I love and respect my body, but this infertility thing has really done a number on my relationship with it.

    • It really does. I’ve had months where I’ve felt that my body was this separate entity from me, working against everything I wanted. Then I went through a stage of deciding I was just too old and worn out. This whole process tests eveything – our beliefs, relationships, mental strength, self-awareness and acceptance. The whole lot. It’s so hard. It’s taken a long time to get here.

  4. I’m not sure, reading this, whether I’m happy that things are finally coming to their end with this, or sad about it? I guess we all have so many emotions when it comes to this, it’s hard to pinpoint them all sometimes. I AM happy though that you’re so at peace with your body. That’s something I’m far from, hopefully one day it will happen. I hope you find peace and closure soon.

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