Learning From Failure

Failure.

I hate that word.

Always have.

And recurrent pregnancy loss. That’s like failure too.

So what can we do in the face of failure?

We damn well pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves down and we get out there and bloody well carry on.

THAT has been my opinion my whole life.

But I forgot a step – because there’s something else you have to do in the face of failure, and that is LEARN FROM IT.

Doh!

I forgot that part! So many times! From crappy boyfriend to crappy boyfriend, from bad choice to bad choice, I forgot that you have to take away a LESSON!! Failure is all about a lesson, and at the grand old age of 39 I think I am finally GETTING it.

I fell off my healthy eating plan.

And I feel like crap x 2 because of it:

1. Because now I’ve given my body crappy food to eat when I am trying to grow healthy eggs, and

2. Because actually, eating crap food makes me feel like crap! It does!

Sigh.

On a more moderate note, life conspired a little bit and I just caved. On day 12 (when I was feeling so blo*dy brilliant from how well I’d been eating and exercising), I noticed I was getting little pimples again – since (by the books recommendation that I’d been following), I upped my dairy intake to two servings a day instead of one.

And that got me thinking about the time I went vegan and how, despite the sickness and bloating and pain (from all the gluten I was consuming), my skin was the clearest it’s ever been. And then I thought about the time as a teenager I had a terrible case of cystic acne and finally linked it to the nightly glass of hot milk I’d started having before bed. And then I thought about how I’d f*cked up my healthy-eating-90-day-amazing-eggs plan by not realising that there is something in dairy – even non-cows dairy – that my body doesn’t like.

So once I thought that my diet wasn’t 100% perfect anymore… well, it seemed like I’d wasted all that effort. So then I ate a load of chocolate from the cupboard that my mum had bought for the kids. And then I had a gluten-free pizza for dinner.

And how did I feel?

SICK.

I felt so sick.

I went to bed with a distended stomach and nausea and it was still there in the morning.

I intended to get right back to eating well, but the next day, I got all depressed about some crappy behaviour in my family (my brother not coming to see the boys after 8 MONTHS of being in hospital because he had to buy a PS4 game that day, my Dad skirting the issue of attending DS2’s birthday because he’s probably busy doing something with his girlfriend’s family), and so I had more chocolate.

And I felt sick again.

And yesterday I had a hot chocolate and a few pick and mix sweets.

So all-in-all, it’s not like I’ve gone off the deep end, but I feel so yuk for eating stuff that basically does nothing for my body.

So, I thought it was time to learn some lessons:

  1. Dairy doesn’t like me. Even though I love it. It just doesn’t like me. I don’t have to never eat it, but I should be fully aware that it is crap for my skin.
  2. Sugar really DOES make me feel like sh*t. No matter how much I love the taste, it will never make me feel good other than for the 10 seconds that I am actually eating it.
  3. I have a serious sugar addiction, and really need to face up to trying to moderate my consumption of it.
  4. I really DO feel amazing when I commit to eating really well. Like – really amazing.

So there we go.

I’m about to ovulate and I’ve poured chocolate down my throat.

Hopes for this month?

Still  hoping.

GODAMMIT I JUST WANT TO HAVE A BABY IS THAT REALLY SO BLOODY DIFFICULT?

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