I contacted the clinic today and said we want to try one more natural cycle and then give IVF a shot.
I have cried and cried over this. I never wanted to do IVF and I don’t have much faith in it as a solution to be honest. But I don’t think I can close this chapter without trying everything, and god knows I’ve tried everything else.
What I want to do right now is take a holiday from myself, have a nice time in the sun somewhere for three months and then come back and deal with the aftermath.
And I’ve decided NOT to renew my fertility friend VIP subscription for the umpteenth year in a row.
I’ve talked to the husband about maybe having some counselling to try and get me through the end of this. I know, despite all the hope in my heart, that statistically I’m probably not going to succeed. We can’t afford more than one attempt at IVF (hell, we can’t actually afford one attempt if we’re brutally honest), and my exhaustion of this whole process, and my fear of more misery, is getting to be too much.
I’ll admit it – I hate being pregnant in the first trimester. It’s shit. I always bleed, I can’t relax, I’ve lost so many babies, it’s just a totally shit time. I really don’t think I can cope mentally/emotionally with these endless losses. I just don’t want to do it any more. I still want to get pregnant and have a baby, but I never, ever, EVER want to have another miscarriage. EVER.
And that’s always going to be a risk while we’re doing this. And I know a miscarriage after IVF is a high possibility (perhaps even more so for me), and that is totally shit as well, but there we go. There’s a chance, and this way we’ll know we tried everything.
And you know what else, while I’m having a bit of an emotional rant? I’m sick of constantly analysing and evaluating what I eat and drink. Sick to death of it. Sick and tired of being so f*cking good all the time in case what I ingest affects my eggs, or my implantation, or my pregnancy, or just whatever. I ate a ton of sweets and chocolate and junk food with DS1, and I practically lived on Rice Kripies for the first 13 weeks, so you know what?
I just feel like saying f*ck this to the moon and back again because I am done with it.
My apologies. I’m feeling pretty hormonal today.