IVF

I contacted the clinic today and said we want to try one more natural cycle and then give IVF a shot.

I have cried and cried over this. I never wanted to do IVF and I don’t have much faith in it as a solution to be honest. But I don’t think I can close this chapter without trying everything, and god knows I’ve tried everything else.

What I want to do right now is take a holiday from myself, have a nice time in the sun somewhere for three months and then come back and deal with the aftermath.

And I’ve decided NOT to renew my fertility friend VIP subscription for the umpteenth year in a row.

I’ve talked to the husband about maybe having some counselling to try and get me through the end of this. I know, despite all the hope in my heart, that statistically I’m probably not going to succeed. We can’t afford more than one attempt at IVF (hell, we can’t actually afford one attempt if we’re brutally honest), and my exhaustion of this whole process, and my fear of more misery, is getting to be too much.

I’ll admit it – I hate being pregnant in the first trimester. It’s shit. I always bleed, I can’t relax, I’ve lost so many babies, it’s just a totally shit time. I really don’t think I can cope mentally/emotionally with these endless losses. I just don’t want to do it any more. I still want to get pregnant and have a baby, but I never, ever, EVER want to have another miscarriage. EVER.

And that’s always going to be a risk while we’re doing this. And I know a miscarriage after IVF is a high possibility (perhaps even more so for me), and that is totally shit as well, but there we go. There’s a chance, and this way we’ll know we tried everything.

And you know what else, while I’m having a bit of an emotional rant? I’m sick of constantly analysing and evaluating what I eat and drink. Sick to death of it. Sick and tired of being so f*cking good all the time in case what I ingest affects my eggs, or my implantation, or my pregnancy, or just whatever. I ate a ton of sweets and chocolate and junk food with DS1, and I practically lived on Rice Kripies for the first 13 weeks, so you know what?

I just feel like saying f*ck this to the moon and back again because I am done with it.

My apologies. I’m feeling pretty hormonal today.

13 thoughts on “IVF

  1. Honey, amen to that! I sit there, going into OCD mode over what I’m eating. Then I beat myself up over it sometimes. It’s funny though, my MIL loves to remind me of how she drank two cups of coffee everyday while she was pregnant, and her kids ended up being gifted. (She was also in her 20’s when this happened, so I always write it off). Anyway, I’m also learning to be less uptight about food, but it’s so hard. I’m glad that you are finding a way to do IVF if that’s what you want to do. If you’re concerned about your eggs, it might be a good solution as you can do PGD to rule out abnormal embryos before you put them in.

    • You know, I actually think I know less now than I did two years ago. Back then I had it all worked out on autoimmune problems. Now I’m 40 it seems to have all changed – especially after the last loss was anembryonic (and thus it WAS a chromosome issue). Previous loss was tested as fine and no explanation as to why heart suddenly stopped at 10 weeks. Growth was perfect. I’m starting to lose faith, I think. I always knew before it would ‘happen’, but now… I can’t ever imagine it.

  2. I think we’re at the bottom of the same sh*tty bucket at the moment. Watching every single thing I eat and drink, the panic about doing something “wrong” based on an ever-expanding list of things that I’ve read about, the ceaseless disappointment. Soooooo over it all and yet I haven’t got to where I want to be. I feel like I’m chasing a finish line that’s always 200 yards away. Good luck – with 3 but most of all with finding some peace. xx

    • Thanks. Yes – that’s exactly it. The finish line just keeps moving backwards as time keeps passing. It never gets any closer, but meanwhile I just get older and older. At some point the balance will tip and peace will shift into first place over TTC. Not there yet. Scared of getting there actually. In the meantime, I’ll carry on trudging through this craziness.

  3. I wish I had sage words of advice. I don’t.
    I will say that counselling sounds like a really good idea though. Sometimes just talking about it all with a professional is not only beneficial, but necessary.
    Sending love and light. xoxo

  4. “And you know what else, while I’m having a bit of an emotional rant? I’m sick of constantly analysing and evaluating what I eat and drink. Sick to death of it. Sick and tired of being so f*cking good all the time in case what I ingest affects my eggs, or my implantation, or my pregnancy, or just whatever. I ate a ton of sweets and chocolate and junk food with DS1, and I practically lived on Rice Kripies for the first 13 weeks, so you know what?”

    THIS. I feel just like THIS. I totally get it Rose. I was drinking and smoking quite a bit when I conceived no 1. I was still in party girl mode. Far out. Here the IVF clinics offer a free councelling service with every cycle so look into that. These are professionals used to dealing with infertility. I may even use it next time too.

  5. I think it would be good for you to see a councilor, it might help you out a lot. Good luck in the coming months with all of this! And if you feel like it, have something sweet and yummy once in a while! 🙂

  6. First things first – one of the most liberating thing in my life these days is being able to eat what I want, when I want!! My only second thought is about my weight, not about the potential literal life and death consequences for another human being. I love it!
    Second, I love my counsellor. I honestly know I would not have made it through all of our losses with out her and her non-judgmental support and understanding and compassion.
    Third, I hear you about needing to know you tried everything. We chose an out of country doctor who would cost us a very pretty penny, but we needed to so that we could move on with life. And, I hope more then anything else, that IVF works for you, but I also know from my experience that if worst case scenario happens, knowing you tried everything will likely help you move forward with life without the child you so desperately want. So, I say go out with a bang, and I’ll be here cheering you on from the sidelines!

  7. I’m glad that you made the decision to do try IVF — I’m with you, I think I would’ve had to try IVF no matter what at at least once, just to know that everything has been done. I’m hoping so, so hard that it works, but if not, at least you know you’ve literally done everything. I second what a commenter said above about maybe considering PGS. I’m going to do it next cycle, even though our last loss was genetically normal. I feel like it might give you the best possible chance not to miscarry, as you will know you’re starting out with the best possible embryo. It’s not a guarantee, obviously, but maybe a leg up?

    Also, I can’t say enough how much counseling has helped me through this process. I cannot recommend it enough.

    And finally, I too am so EFFING SICK of thinking about everything I put in my body. Like, just done. Ugh.

    Hugs to you, my friend.

    • Thank you. We’re erring on the side of not testing the embryos… I’ll probably post about it in detail later. I think counselling is a must – my head is so screwed up from this now, leaving it all behind is going to be a very, very difficult thing for me to do…

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