This is a quick Sunday night post. Firstly, I miscarried naturally yesterday. I’ll write up what happened in a separate post, because other women on this journey might find it useful (and I certainly will feel better for putting it in black and white).
After I passed the baby, I went in to the hospital for peace of mind, as I hadn’t passed the placenta (and my history with placentas (placentae?) isn’t great, as you know). They checked me over and kept me in overnight, just to make sure I was OK. My blood count was fine and I was discharged in the morning.
While I was in there, whiling away the hours in the middle of the night, I bought a book on amazon and started reading it on my iphone kindle app.
It’s called Mind Over Medicine (written by a former doctor) and I’m only on Chapter 2, but MY GOD, I am in awe of this stuff.
Again, this is a quick post, so I can’t reference everything I’ve read, but the author basically talks about the power of belief in not only healing but also harming your health.
And I started to think.
I got pregnant just 6 weeks after we decided to try for number 3. I started spending lots of time on forums, reading about pregnancies. And I read about a lot of bad stuff.
I discovered the term “missed miscarriage”. Before my first son, I’d had two spontaneous miscarriages at 6.5 weeks. But this talk of missed miscarriages was shocking. How could people turn up at a scan only to find their baby had died? It seemed impossible, and cruel. How could the body not let you know? Surely it was a rare occurrence?
But 11.5 weeks we discovered our baby had been dead for three weeks. I had had a missed miscarriage.
A few months later, I joined Fertility Friend, to track my cycles online. The first thing I noticed, as I got involved in the forums and the charting, was how many women kept talking about chemical pregnancies. I read everything I could about them, and was shocked at how you could literally be pregnant one day and not the next. I searched the charts and saw hundreds of examples of chemical pregnancies.
I then had three chemical pregnancies in a row.
I said to my husband at the time:
It seems like as soon as I read about it, it happens to us!
Then came the “infertility”. Months and months and months of BFN, along with all the women I was talking to, daily, about getting BFNs.
I got my latest BFP in January. I wasn’t reading any forums, I wasn’t reading about anything pregnancy related. I was just hoping it would work.
But then, with this pregnancy, I didn’t once believe the baby would make it. Not once.Within 5 minutes of every scan I was obsessing about growth retardation, failed heartbeat, genetic problems…
And the baby didn’t.
But when I passed that baby yesterday, he was perfect.
A perfectly formed, tiny baby boy.
10 fingers, 10 toes, perfect arms and legs, ears, eyes, nose, mouth. A big baby belly and a big baby head. A beautiful, perfect, miniature human.
And suddenly I doubted myself. Was this baby supposed to live? Did I not love it enough? Did I not believe???
The baby is being sent of for testing.
If it comes back as a healthy baby boy, what will I think?
One final thought.
This book says that people that are convinced they are going to die in surgery, often do.
I sat in that waiting room on Thursday, convinced I was going to bleed out on the table. I was just hoping that the surgeon I got would know what the hell to do and wouldn’t panic.
I’m glad I didn’t go in.
I am rethinking everything.
I am rethinking my fertility, my capability, my beliefs.
I’ve been mired in this “secondary infertility” swamp for so long, but how did I really get here?
When you spend all day reading about infertility, and miscarriage, and loss, and stillbirth, and birth defects… can you expect anything good to come of it?
“Excessive knowledge about what can go wrong with the body can actually harm you. The more you focus on the infinite ways in which the body can break down, the more likely you are to experience physical symptoms”
I’m not saying any of this is true, or that it is wrong or right.
It is simply the stuff that is floating around in my head right now.