It’s All Over

This is a quick Sunday night post. Firstly, I miscarried naturally yesterday. I’ll write up what happened in a separate post, because other women on this journey might find it useful (and I certainly will feel better for putting it in black and white).

After I passed the baby, I went in to the hospital for peace of mind, as I hadn’t passed the placenta (and my history with placentas (placentae?) isn’t great, as you know). They checked me over and kept me in overnight, just to make sure I was OK. My blood count was fine and I was discharged in the morning.

BUT.

While I was in there, whiling away the hours in the middle of the night, I bought a book on amazon and started reading it on my iphone kindle app.

It’s called Mind Over Medicine (written by a former doctor) and I’m only on Chapter 2, but MY GOD, I am in awe of this stuff.

Again, this is a quick post, so I can’t reference everything I’ve read, but the author basically talks about the power of belief in not only healing but also harming your health.

And I started to think.

I got pregnant just 6 weeks after we decided to try for number 3. I started spending lots of time on forums, reading about pregnancies. And I read about a lot of bad stuff.

I discovered the term “missed miscarriage”. Before my first son, I’d had two spontaneous miscarriages at 6.5 weeks. But this talk of missed miscarriages was shocking. How could people turn up at a scan only to find their baby had died? It seemed impossible, and cruel. How could the body not let you know? Surely it was a rare occurrence?

But 11.5 weeks we discovered our baby had been dead for three weeks. I had had a missed miscarriage.

A few months later, I joined Fertility Friend, to track my cycles online. The first thing I noticed, as I got involved in the forums and the charting, was how many women kept talking about chemical pregnancies. I read everything I could about them, and was shocked at how you could literally be pregnant one day and not the next. I searched the charts and saw hundreds of examples of chemical pregnancies.

I then had three chemical pregnancies in a row.

I said to my husband at the time:

It seems like as soon as I read about it, it happens to us!

Then came the “infertility”. Months and months and months of BFN, along with all the women I was talking to, daily, about getting BFNs.

I got my latest BFP in January. I wasn’t reading any forums, I wasn’t reading about anything pregnancy related. I was just hoping it would work.

But then, with this pregnancy, I didn’t once believe the baby would make it. Not once.Within 5 minutes of every scan I was obsessing about growth retardation, failed heartbeat, genetic problems…

And the baby didn’t.

But when I passed that baby yesterday, he was perfect.

A perfectly formed, tiny baby boy.

10 fingers, 10 toes, perfect arms and legs, ears, eyes, nose, mouth. A big baby belly and a big baby head. A beautiful, perfect, miniature human.

And suddenly I doubted myself. Was this baby supposed to live? Did I not love it enough? Did I not believe???

The baby is being sent of for testing.

If it comes back as a healthy baby boy, what will I think?

One final thought.

This book says that people that are convinced they are going to die in surgery, often do.

I sat in that waiting room on Thursday, convinced I was going to bleed out on the table. I was just hoping that the surgeon I got would know what the hell to do and wouldn’t panic.

I’m glad I didn’t go in.

I am rethinking everything.

I am rethinking my fertility, my capability, my beliefs.

I’ve been mired in this “secondary infertility” swamp for so long, but how did I really get here?

When you spend all day reading about infertility, and miscarriage, and loss, and stillbirth, and birth defects… can you expect anything good to come of it?

“Excessive knowledge about what can go wrong with the body can actually harm you. The more you focus on the infinite ways in which the body can break down, the more likely you are to experience physical symptoms”

I’m not saying any of this is true, or that it is wrong or right.

It is simply the stuff that is floating around in my head right now.

24 thoughts on “It’s All Over

  1. I think about all that too, Rose. How much does our mind influence outcomes. The while thing about manifestation. I will say I spent my first pregnancy terrified of miscarriage and managed to have a healthy baby boy. And this time round I was excited and confident and not worried at all until I got the lighter test line. But I am more aware for sure and maybe just the knowing does something. So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it must be like to pass a tiny baby like that. Hugs and more hugs you brave brave woman. Xx

  2. I fumble for words here. What a heartfelt and informative story, and I’m glad you shared it, but I cannot think of anything else to say apart from I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It cannot be easy.
    Be well.

  3. Rose, I cannot believe how strong you are…or seem. I said today to my best friend, “Life always seems to fall into place when you put out that good energy”. You have been so positive, but I totally get the over reading and then the negativity that ends up swirling around in your head. There is just something about energy that I truly believe. You are on the right track!! I am rooting for you! I know this will happen for you!! So sorry you had to go through this again 🙁

    • Thank you XXX I’ve had my bawling-my-eyes-out moments, just haven’t blogged about crying so much your whole body hurts… Bah. I’m doing OK overall though. Better than I thought I would. X

  4. this is so very profound and seems like a turning point for you. I don’t think I have posted a reply before, but I just wanted to tell you I have been reading, following and thinking about you…(((hugs))) from Oregon.

  5. I was thinking about this a bit more on my run (the manifestation stuff) and I’m sure I’ve heard people talking about this more in relation to collective thinking…so there are more people and they are all more aware so we are thinking and speaking of the negative possibilities more (chemical pregs / miscarriages etc) and they are therefore more abundant. It’s along the the lines of this whole collective subconcious idea (if that’s what it’s called – I forget right now). More minds on the one path means more manifestation in general. Or maybe the whole thing is environmental. Who knows. Anyway just thought I’d share my thoughts with you. Looking forward to your next post talking about this more.

    • My goodness. I guess something like that is difficult to quantify and measure, but yes, it could well be that groups of people expecting certain things cause those things to happen (in fact, haven’t there been cases of this? I’m sure it rings a bell where groups of people have fallen sick because they thought there was an infection risk, but they were all medically fine…?). Ahh, such a great subject! I need more time to read…

  6. I am a big believer that what we attract that which we think about. I haven’t read this book, but there are so many non-medical ones that explore the ‘law of attraction” (typically on the positive side; i.e. Vision boards, seeing the thing that you wish for in your minds eye, etc.). I’m sure the opposite is true too (on the negative front),

    They say attitude is everything, and while I’m not sure that’s totally true, I do believe it plays a big, big role.

    I’m so glad to hear you seem to be doing well (under the horrible circumstances) and that you’re exploring these alternate causes. I wish you peace and joy.

    • Thank you Nancy. The more I read about this, the more I think it has applied to lots of areas of my life, not just present circumstances. I could write loads about it – I will probably post more as I’m feeling particularly philosophical about everything at the moment. I have been thinking about my attitude to everything – it is eye-opening to look at things from this perspective.
      Thank you for your kind words, they mean such a lot at this particularly difficult and crazy time. xxxxx

  7. You might also enjoy reading Choose Yourself by James Altucher right now. It’s a great motivational book – I strongly recommend the audible version.
    Glad to hear that you will be healing and moving forward now.

  8. Thank you for this beautiful, heartbreaking post.

    I do think there is a lot to be said for where we direct our mental and emotional energy. The placebo effect is a well documented reality – if people believe they’ll feel better, they often do. Also, being worried or stressed does have physical results – releases hormones into our systems and makes chemical changes to our body. Long term, severe stress has even been shown to damage brain cells.

    However, I think sometimes these things get taken too far, into territory that I feel gets perilously close to “blame the victim”. I had a very dear relative, who exercised, ate really well, meditated, practiced positive thinking and visualisation. Essentially, she did everything “right” to create health in her life, but she passed away due to breast cancer. Sometimes, things just suck, and there isn’t any way to control or fix them.

    Thinking of you as you wait for answers.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Yes, it’s true, sometimes the healthiest and least likely people suffer the most 🙁 There really is no fairness in this world, and maybe worse, there is no explanation for that either 🙁

  9. Our minds are certainly powerful tools, which can cause both good and bad to our bodies. In the case of pregnancy (and miscarriages), the opposite has been true for me: when I’ve not thought a thing about loss, I’ve miscarried and when I was SCARED to DEATH of miscarrying, I birthed a very healthy Samuel. So, who knows? It can’t HURT to be full of positive mental energy, though. 😉
    I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. 🙁

    • You’re right – and I thought this too. When I carried DS1 I was also terrified of miscarrying. Terrified. But, looking back, I remember how many stories I’d read about being more fertile after miscarrying, and how many women talked about having had a healthy baby really soon after a loss… I guess deep down I could have been convinced that it would be OK, even if on a daily basis I was frightened it was all going to go wrong… ? I don’t know. The mind is such a complex thing, and so are our bodies. Thank you for your kind words, I really, really appreciate your messages xxx

  10. As I started reading this, I thought, oh good, if the miscarriage resolved itself at home, then that would be less traumatic for her. But as I continued to read, I could not imagine the trauma of passing a tiny, recognizable baby. My heart is aching for you. I cannot even fathom what that must have been like. Again, I’m so very sorry.

    But then I must also say that your writing about the mind body connection made my heart sink yet again. Since I got my BFP I’ve been so tentative about accepting that there could possibly be a good outcome from it, and though I’ve been trying not to think about it NOT turning out well, I can’t help but over analyze everything I feel and make comments like, “well, even if there isn’t a baby…” It’s so hard to open your heart to whatever hand we might be dealt, and yet I feel like that’s what we must do. But how do we get to that point? I don’t know. I do know I’m going to do my damndest to NOT google different types of miscarriages, stillbirth, and all the other things that could go wrong. I’m going to try to find a mental quiet space, live one day (or hour) at a time, and try to prepare my heart to accept whatever the coming days, weeks, or months may bring. Your post really hammers this home for me – thank you. Please know that with all you are going through, you are reaching and touching the lives of others, like me.

    Stay strong and be good to yourself. xoxo

    • Thank you for your kind words. For me (and it will be different for each woman I suspect), it was easier (and calmer) to pass at home than to think of everything being sucked out down a tube in surgery. I refused surgery last time for this exact reason, and it seems more respectful, somehow, to my unborn child for him to come out this way. It isn’t nice, but it is also a miracle – to see what my body was creating has been incredible for me… I will post more about this as it sounds really traumatic, but actually, I think it has been almost cathartic.

      I know you must be in such an emotionally tiring place right now. I know how torturous every day feels. I refused to even think about life with a newborn and couldn’t think past my due date. DH wanted to talk about practicalities (our cars were too small for 3 child seats), but I made him wait. I think if I’d had my way, we’d have ended up with a newborn and the cot would still have been in the loft 🙂 You have to get the balance right, which is hard. I do think that it is more to do with your unconscious thoughts than what you tell yourself to think, if that makes sense. However, it can be really hard to hear the subconscious opinion, especially when the conscious mind is leaping around analysing everything. I think what I’m trying to say is, don’t worry about worrying about it all going wrong, it’s what your heart really, really believes that counts. As you say, all you can do is live one day at a time and accept what the future holds. Hang in there xxx

  11. That is fascinating and makes a lot of sense. Who is the author? I am really intrigued and want to check it out but there are 2 books with that title. I am sorry that your miscarried before your scheduled appt but so very happy it all went smoothly. And i think the body does better when it happens on its own. You sound like you are doing well and I hope that is the case. xo

    • It’s by Lissa Rankin – I’ll update the post as it was done in a bit of rush last night while all this stuff was floating around inside my head!

  12. I’m with Valerie. I think it can work the other way too. And loads of women don’t start reading and informing themselves till after the infertile period or the miscarriage
    BUT I too believe that positive thinking helps. Maybe it simply helps us feel better and hence the baby. He us after all a part of us. Attached and feeling what we feel.
    But I was positive. I named mine. I was sure to be giving birth in may. And yet…
    I think it’s all fate. Seen too many people try everything and get nowhere and loads try nothing and do nothing and have six, seven, eight. Etc

    • I agree about the hand of fate. You certainly can’t control the outcome, but I’ve been wondering how much you can influence it. My first ever pregnancy I was blindly walking around thinking it was all fine even after I started spotting daily at 6 weeks. I literally had no idea people could lose pregnancies so easily. Ah, the lost innocence. But… I don’t know. Something about the power of subconscious belief (not just conscious positive thinking), makes sense to me… I’ll probably post more about this as I think it through.

Leave a reply

%d bloggers like this: