Intelligence Quotient Absent

I’ve had the same email account for years, and I get very little spam to it, which keeps me happy. Occassionally I get unsolicited email and dutifully go to the bottom of the mail, look for the unsubscribe button and remove myself. The other day however, I got an email from a company about my supposed “account”, and the unsubscribe button was missing.

Much to my annoyance it said I had to log into my account and change my mail settings. Hmm. I visit their site and try to log in. I have no recollection of registering with these people, but I do a lot of stuff online, and just might have done at some point, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. My usual passwords don’t get me in, so I select the forgotten password button. My inbox then gets a message that tells me my password is something like “8aef45688agfeh”.

Believe it or not, this isn’t the kind of password I would normally use, so I’m getting this feeling they have created the account for me on the basis of my email address, which they have no doubt obtained through some devious black market exchange in return for arms and ammo.

I log in and am greeted with a page that says “To fully utilise your account, please supply us with you billing details” and then provides lots of little boxes hungry for my credit card info.

It’s at this point that I suddenly and unexpectedly become enraged. So I fire off the following email to their “contact us” address:

“I did not open this account and I have never used your services. You have deemed it acceptable to open an account for me, send me SPAM, and then when I log in to turn off this invasion into my inbox you have the audacity to ask for my credit card details.

If you do not remove me from your account and all mailing lists IMMEDIATELY I will report you as sending spam emails.

If you think this is an appropriate way to run a business then you are sorely mistaken.

PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM YOUR DATABASE NOW.”

I think that’s pretty clear, no? Well, evidently not. This morning I get a reply like this:

Response (Jamie H.) – 03/15/2006 03:59 PM

Hello;

Thank you for contacting annoyingcompany.com, we are pleased to assist you with your inquiry.

Annoyingcompany.com did not create this account for you, instead the account was created when you or someone else submitted a keyword alert for the term “faye”, and then provided us with your email address. If you would like us to close the account completely then please reply to this email and confirm you are authorizing me to do so. Closing your account will effectively cancel your keyword alert.

Faye is a keyword? A keyword for what? And my email address was “provided” after the keyword was submitted? What’s that supposed to mean? And after my previous email I have to CONFIRM that I want my account closed? Oh my god, are these people complete imbeciles??

So I reply:

I’m guessing the fact that you are asking me to confirm I want to close my account means I just didn’t make myself clear enough in my previous email.

PLEASE CLOSE MY ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY, REMOVE MY NAME AND EMAIL ADDRESS FROM YOUR DATABASE, AND NEVER, EVER MAIL ME OR TRY TO ASK FOR MY CREDIT DETAILS AGAIN. EVER.

IN SHORT, CLOSE MY ACCOUNT.

PLEASE CLOSE MY ACCOUNT.

FOREVER.

Just in case you need more confirmation:

PLEASE CLOSE MY ACCOUNT.

Thank you.

PS My rash is much better thanks (Er, I didn’t send that part – that’s a general PS).

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