Hitting The Bottom

tests

I have cried most of the day.

I cried in the car all the way to DH’s 5k run this morning.

I cried and cried over lunch.

In the end DH took both boys to this afternoon’s party without me and told me to spend some time on my own.

He knows me well.

I work best on my own. I need time on my own more than anything else.

I got in my car and drove, praying no one would see me, deliberately to the further-away wine shop. I bought a bottle of white and a dark chocolate bounty 😉

I’ve devoured the bounty and I’m sitting here, sipping my cold, white wine (so nice of them to keep it in the fridge for days like this).

And I’ve gathered up all my tests, pregnancy and ovulation prediction, and chucked the lot in the bin.

Bye bye angst.

I didn’t need ovulation tests when I got pregnant with DS1 and DS2. I didn’t bulk buy pregnancy tests with them either.

IT JUST HAPPENED.

But this is killing me. 13 months of wanting a baby and I can’t bear to obsess over it any more.

So no more obsessing.

No more testing.

Just ordinary trying.

I’ve charted on and off for 4 years, so it’s second nature for me to take my temperature in the morning. I will probably continue to do this just so I am reassured that my cycle and luteal phase are remaining normal.

But no more buying tests.

Like I said, I’m not spending any more money now anyway.

Maybe not testing everything all the time will help me feel better and stop crying all the time.

Today I have felt desperately, terrifyingly sad.

I don’t want to feel like this any more.

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