My temperature finally went up this morning.
Hurrah! I can put my thermometer away.
So, here I am in the two week wait again.
And it feels like a comfortable pair of slippers that I have missed. My last two week wait was at the end of October, so it’s been a while.
I feel kind of philosophical about it all now. This has gone on so long that I am pretty sure I won’t ever get pregnant. I have no expectation of anything happening as it just seems almost impossible that I could carry a baby, even though I have done it twice to term. Pregnancy is officially something that happens to other people.
But, in saying that, there is still a tiny spark of “what if?”.
What if it works? What if coming back from the end of the road to try again sees success? How will I feel about that?
I have broken through the barrier of needing to complete my family. My emotions are much softer now. There is no heartbreaking longing, no pain in my chest, no despair at the widening age gap and the failure of my uterus to grow a person.
I am blessed to have what I already have, and rather bizarrely (for someone who is currently trying to get pregnant), I am totally content.
So now I wait.
And I can see that eventually, we won’t need to stop trying in order to save our sanity. Eventually, we’ll just drift away from this and peacefully move on. There will come a month when we don’t try.
And I’m ok with that, whenever that will be.
Sometimes you have to really hit the bottom before you come back up to the surface, and I’m just glad that I made it.