Hello Old Friend

My temperature finally went up this morning.

Hurrah! I can put my thermometer away.

So, here I am in the two week wait again.

And it feels like a comfortable pair of slippers that I have missed. My last two week wait was at the end of October, so it’s been a while.

I feel kind of philosophical about it all now. This has gone on so long that I am pretty sure I won’t ever get pregnant. I have no expectation of anything happening as it just seems almost impossible that I could carry a baby, even though I have done it twice to term. Pregnancy is officially something that happens to other people.

But, in saying that, there is still a tiny spark of “what if?”.

What if it works? What if coming back from the end of the road to try again sees success? How will I feel about that?

I have broken through the barrier of needing to complete my family. My emotions are much softer now. There is no heartbreaking longing, no pain in my chest, no despair at the widening age gap and the failure of my uterus to grow a person.

I am blessed to have what I already have, and rather bizarrely (for someone who is currently trying to get pregnant), I am totally content.

So now I wait.

And I can see that eventually, we won’t need to stop trying in order to save our sanity. Eventually, we’ll just drift away from this and peacefully move on. There will come a month when we don’t try.

And I’m ok with that, whenever that will be.

Sometimes you have to really hit the bottom before you come back up to the surface, and I’m just glad that I made it.

2 thoughts on “Hello Old Friend”

  1. Ok, I admit it: I am jealous of where you are emotionally with all this! I want to feel that sense of contentment you describe. So glad you found your way to that place, though.

    • It’s been a long road. To be honest last year was filled with the torture of pregnant friends. Now they are all having sleepless nights, while my little ones will both be in school in 21 months… a huge lifestyle change for me. I always wanted all the nappies and sleepless nights out of the way in one block and the further I get from it the stranger it seems to go back. I still have my moments – the pang every time I drive past our hospital, the thought of living my life without ever holding a slippery newborn again… Ah, it’s strange. I think I’ve accepted it is beyond my control and I can’t change that. Hard to stomach for a control-freak like me, but a surprisingly serene feeling once I finally did. If I could wish for anything for myself and every other woman trying month after month with no success, aside from a bfp, it would be to reach peace over the whole thing, in any way possible. I’m still hoping 2014 is going to be a good year for us all though 😉 X

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