Gone

Bah.

I tested this morning – once at 4:30am cause I desperately needed the bathroom, and once at 7am when I properly got up.

Both of them are 99% BFN.

As in, there might be a ghost of a line there, but not even as shadowy as yesterday (and yesterday’s was pretty faint). In fact, today’s hint of a ghost line makes yesterday’s test look like a BFP in comparison.

I will test again tomorrow, but I suspect tomorrow will be a perfect, snowy white negative.

So what happened?

My guess is that the egg was fertilised, implanted, and then either died or was rejected: i.e. it was no good. I did get some sudden cramps yesterday evening on my left side. Just a few minutes, then they stopped. Kind of like it was all ending I suppose.

I’ve been doing some reading about IVF recently. I mean, you get the sperm, the egg, they fertilise and you put it in the womb when it’s ready to implant. How on earth can that NOT work? Right?

Well, this clinic sees only 15% of eggs implant in women aged 40-42.

15%!!!!

And this article, about a new photography technique to improve selection of viable embryos, says overall the live birthย rate is only around 24%ย for IVF in the UK.

But, if you use a younger woman’s eggs, the success rate rockets.

How depressing is that?

It’s not the womb.

It’s not the sperm.

It’s the egg.

Those damn eggs just aren’t as good as you get older.

Even if you harvest them out, fertilise them with decent sperm and grow them in perfect conditions in a lab, they still aren’t viable.

I am disappointed this morning – I really, really thought this month would be it.

I’ve been gluten free for 3 months, I’m feeling really good, I just thought it would work.

I’m not sure whether to just eat a whole bucket of chocolate, or book myself into a raw foods retreat and do some kind of extreme dietary approach in an attempt to salvage any good eggs I may have left.

Sigh.

20 thoughts on “Gone

  1. Yep! Exactly what I got told on Monday.
    It’s not him dearie. It’s you. It’s the mother. Well. Not the mother. Her eggs. See. Even if you look young” he said “you’re still 40. Women don’t want to hear it but they should be having children between 25-32. We live in a society where that makes it difficult for them to do that. But biologically….”
    BAH!!!
    So sorry. But you know what? I am convinced it will happen for you. And for me. I truly am.
    I will be menopausal and still convinced :-))

  2. Oh Rose- HUGS! You were so hopeful! Never loose your capacity to hope… even if you ever stop trying to get pregnant. This whole egg stuff is one of the primary reasons we decided not to go for IVF. $30K for a cycle (or three depending on what clinic you go to) and those small small odds of “bringing home a live baby” as our Dr used to say. It’s a shame really! With IUI I ALWAYS had at least two eggs- and the last time I had 5!!! My Guy’s numbers were always decent- not always awesome- but in the end the conclusion was always that is’s not that I don’t have eggs- it’s just that they are old and shriveled up!
    Just sending you lots of hugs and love right now!!!

    • Thanks La La. It’s so hard isn’t it? And the expense with no guarantee… Of course there are no guarantees with anything but not everything costs quite so much as IVF -or even IUI when u have to pay it all yourself (which we would). Sigh. I just don’t know. I should find a new hobby!

  3. Oh, I’m so sorry. Biology really sucks. I mean, why can’t biology and society get it together and just be friends so we can have children when we are mentally ready and not just biologically ready? I know this is a tough one to swallow, but I hope you won’t give up. Even when I was only 29-31 and we were going through Infertility Round 1, when we looked at the stats for IVF success rates we were so discouraged. That is actually what led us to really seriously consider and eventually begin pursuing adoption. The numbers just told us that route would be more likely, statistically speaking, to end with us having a child, which after much soul searching we concluded was the single most important thing to us at that time. Granted, we felt very differently after we had our first child and were entrenched in Infertility Round 2, but that’s another story and I digress. Anyway, as always I’m sending you plenty of hugs, love and support from across the pond!I have to believe you are on the right path (how could you not be based on how you are feeling?) Take care.

  4. Oh, one more thing – about age gaps. I definitely struggled with this and have just begun to come to terms it in many ways. Now that we are in a position to have a second child a little more than 5 years older than our first (I’m 24 weeks right now, knock on wood everything continues to go ok), although it was not the age gap we ever envisioned for our family, there are plenty of really great things about having kids this far apart in age. I’ve really started to let go of what I thought our ideal family might have looked like and instead am embracing it and see that gap as a good thing. Just like your tag line says, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” There is always a way to see the glass as half full if you put your mind to it.

    • Thanks for your wise words! The age gap is a big issue for me, but it’s actually so reassuring to hear from you that it does have good bits too. I find myself scrutinising other families and working out how far apart their children are… It’s not healthy is it? And yes – biologically it is rubbish – we just age too damn fast!!! Eugh. Annoying. Just fed up today. Will be better tomorrow. Hopefully. X

      • I am still scrutinizing the age gap in other families, too! I may do it forever. It seems no matter where I go, when I see a family I guess at the age gap, and the reason for the age gap (which, of course, is none of my business anyway, so it’s double crazy!) I wonder if we will ever stop doing it, though.

  5. Having been through IVF I can say that yes, it’s unfortunately true. Now, it annoys me when the eggs get blamed by default – like, gosh, it’s been several cycles and no live baby must be the eggs (or worse – no testing at all but no baby blame the eggs). Sorry, but let’s just call that “unexplained” like it is and split the “blame” 50/50.

    That said, there’s a lot of individual variation. Some doctors do take tests (such as FSH levels) to try and estimate whether you’re on the lucky end of the curve (don’t know if that was in your reading). These are a bit controversial as their predictive value has been questioned (I’m a little out of date with this – there may be something better in the last 5 years or so).

    I know one 40+ yo whose doctor had a protocol using six back to back cycles without embryo transfer – they then do the transfer at the end. Very good success rates at getting one or two good embryos out of six cycles. But the person who did that protocol (and succeeded) was pretty flush with money, so… But my point is that illustrates nicely the situation. Get the eggs while you have the chance and sort the rest out later is the thought. Most of his patients in the early forties in his group could average it out over six cycles, which you could take as good news I suppose, but it’s not what everyone’s up for.

    Otherwise yes, egg donation, embryo donation is available in some places, unfortunately for some friends of mine adoption isn’t always available for people in that age bracket either.

    • The whole thing is just not a great bet is it? Yes, I guess eggs do get the blame, but the increase in success with younger donor eggs is indicative of them being a problem. I don’t know if we’d ever try IVF… Sigh. It all just seems insurmountable on a day like today!

  6. I’m so sorry to hear this ๐Ÿ™ It probably happens more than we realise. We just aren’t always doing the early testing. Speaking of which, I’m 11 days post IUI so the trigger hcg should have left my system so I’m testing today. I have the sorest boobs so I’m either up the duff or about to get my period ..

Leave a reply