Giving Up. But Not Quite.

I woke up this morning and took my temperature.

It said 98.3.

That’s my usual, non-pregnant, post-O temp.

Straightaway I knew there would be no line on a test this morning.

There was no line.

Stark, white, BFN.

Same batch of tests – I’ve used many packs of these over the last 7 months – they do not ever leave evaporation lines.

The fact I get a feeling that I’m pregnant, and that faint line, makes me think that my body is rejecting egg after egg.

This, effectively, looks like it’s my 3rd chemical pregnancy in 4 months.

Those eggs don’t even get a chance.

They try to implant and my body just shuts down on them.

Why?

So I give up. I need help, an opinion. I’ve done what I said I’d never do.

I’ve booked an appointment at the doctors.

Just in case I haven’t made it clear enough, I can’t bear visiting the GP. I get nauseous and nervous and panicky in the waiting room, to the point where I am a complete wreck that can hardly articulate my problem when I get in there.

I don’t even know what I’m going to say.

I am frightened they won’t take me seriously (at our surgery, if you don’t have a leg hanging off they tend to just send you home).

I am frightened they will just lecture me about being old (38).

I am frightened they will quiz me over why I want more children when I have two already.

I am frightened they will dismiss me and do nothing when my world revolves around TTC and I feel like I am dying inside every month that it doesn’t work.

My backache is especially bad this morning and my boobs are definitely sore.

Too early for PMT, but no line on that test means it’s all over for this month. Again.

Why, why, why?

Is it just a simple matter of waiting for a good egg because the ones that have popped out so far have been rejects?

Or is there something wrong with my system, with my hormones, that is giving me ghost babies over and over again?

I WISH I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON!

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