Form Filling

It’s taken me two hours to fill in the forms for my clinic appointment next week. Two bloody hours cross checking scan dates, miscarriage dates, how many weeks I was each time and compiling it into a succinct and readable format.

Eugh.

A trip down memory lane I totally haven’t enjoyed.

11 pregnancies, two children. 7 losses in a row in the last 2 years 10 months.

That makes my historical odds of a live birth 0.18.

Incidentally, the clinics success rate (live births) in 2012 (most recent data available that I can find) for IVF/ICSI on women aged 38-40 is 0.15.

Husband said to me:

So we’re gonna pay £5,000 to lower our odds?

Ha ha ha. Yeah – I know. It’s f*cking mad.

How can something so essential to the nature of existence be so bloody DIFFICULT? I just don’t understand why it’s had to be such a quagmire of crap for so long.

The hardest thing for me, is that by walking through those doors next week, I’m effectively holding up my hand and saying, Help me. I can’t do this on my own.

Which is just shit. Really it is. Because I’ve always been a very, very independent, self-sufficient, capable sort of person and to do this feels like an admission of failure.

Sigh.

And I’ve looked through the literature and the procedures and the screening tests and everything else, and to be honest there’s so much to do, it’s looking like it’ll take a miracle for us to have a baby by the end of 2016, if at all. And certainly not in 2015, which is what I have been secretly hoping for as these January nights have slowly ticked by.

And on top of all of that, I’ve got the guilt back.

The guilt that says Why do want to do this so badly when you already have two children? Aren’t they enough?

And it makes me want to cry because of course they are enough, and they are more precious to me than anyone could ever realise. Even more so because I know how fragile and transient life can be, and I know how I’m so bloody lucky that they both even made it here in the first place. When I reach out and touch their soft skin, and feel their baby hair, they seem like walking miracles to me and it takes my breath away. To see my children and know that I can’t make another, that I can no longer do what I’ve already done… For so long I’ve imagined myself with three. The ones I’ve lost… it’s just too sad.

So all-in-all it’s been a bit of an emotional morning, dredging all those old hurts back up. And it’s left me feeling incredulous that we have spent so fucking long on this. That all that time has passed and we are still no closer.

And just to really brighten up my day, my temperature went down again this morning, after going up yesterday. I’m currently in some kind of holding pattern where my temp zips from pre-ovulatory to post-ovulatory, and back again, every 48 hours.

I can feel that boiling sensation of having to do something about all this. That familiar feeling that has allowed me to walk out of jobs, flats, relationships, even countries. It’s bubbling away inside trying to concoct a plan that will get me the fuck out of this situation for once and for all.

Anyone know where I can get a hotline to the gods? Or find a voodoo woman?

I’m ready to make a deal.

8 thoughts on “Form Filling

  1. Hopefully there will be a good ending with filling out all the forms! I hope you start to find some peace with yourself soon, I know you’ve been struggling with this for so long. I hope any testing they do doesn’t push things out until next year for you!!

  2. Gah. I’ve already been crying on and off this morning, and this totally set me off again. I’m so sorry, Rose. It must have been really hard to fill out that paperwork. Really, really brutal. Please try not to think of seeing the specialist as asking for help, but rather using all of your resources to get the outcome you desire. We can’t go through life alone — everyone needs advisors occasionally, no matter the situation.

    Also, I understand that guilt. I really do. Because I feel it too. But you have a deep longing for another child and you have to honor that. Just because you have wonderful blessings doesn’t mean that you should never want for anything else the rest of your life. This is really something I’ve been working on a lot lately with my therapist — getting rid of the guilt and just following my longing, wherever it may lead me.

    Know that I’m thinking of you and hurting right along with you. This is not an easy road.

    • “…but rather using all of your resources to get the outcome you desire” that’s a much better way of looking at it, thank you.
      And yes, I need to remember that it’s not wrong to ask for more blessings, even though some days I’m sure I’m just being greedy! Oh it’s difficult isn’t it. Why can’t it just be simple? Get pregnant, have baby, be happy x

  3. I hate filling out medical forms and reliving my losses! And I’ve learned that even non pregnancy related doctors ask about past surgeries, so now anytime I go to a new clinic or doctor for the rest of my life I get to be reminded of our surgeries. It’s miserable.
    It may be hard but try not looking at visiting the specialist as asking for help, but instead trying to understand what is going on. For me, it was a research exercise that involved a educated professional.
    Love to you as you venture down this new path, hopefully to answers and another living baby.

  4. “a research exercise that involved a educated professional” again, a much healthier way of looking at it. I really need to work on my perspective and get over the me, me, me failure thing . Thank you xxx

  5. Oh man Rose. You have been through the freaking wringers 10 times over. No one should have to suffer that many losses. No one. It is awful. I think it is important to see the IVF clinic as a place for looking at answers to the questions rather than focusing on the live birth aspect. Yes, of course you want a live birth but to get one you probably need to figure out why it isn’t happening for you right now and it is clear your public health system can’t / won’t help you. I think it is definitely a good next step No one ever said you had to go through the whole thing if it turns out to be not what you want after initial inquiries. Good luck xx

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