It is a beautiful day here. The weather is so warm that the air feels soft outside. It’s still and calm and slightly hazy, just a lovely June day.
My friend had her baby this morning, at 5:57am.
Everyone who is trying to conceive (and failing) knows how bittersweet the birth of a friend’s baby, or a friend’s pregnancy announcement can be.
Today I am feeling heavy and sad and weighed down by problems that don’t really exist.
My life is wonderful and I know I am very lucky.
But I’m stuck in a kind of limbo where I’m waiting for this third baby to happen so that my family will feel complete.
And in the meantime, while there is no pregnancy, and so much endless, endless waiting, I just feel like there is a hole inside me that makes everything else almost impossible to enjoy.
I can count the number of occasions on one hand recently where I have sat back and truly enjoyed being in the moment, and loving the moment for what it is.
I want that feeling to be a part of my life, not a stranger.
I wish I could leave my thoughts aside for more of the time and just enjoy daily life.
When I look back will I remember that the first two years of DS2’s life were spent in anxiety over whether to have a third baby and then in anxiety trying to have a third baby?
I am feeling really sorry for myself today 🙁
And outside everything is so green, and lush, and fecund, with flowers blooming and trees bursting and laden with foliage, and nature is so fertile and beautiful, and I am just so sad.