I have done nothing for a while. And I haven’t been happy.
I’m 6 days past ovulation and I’ve got sore boobs. I had a bout of very painful cramps this morning. The kind of cramps I had with my miscarriage and chemical pregnancies.
My poor, beaten-up and stressed out brain has already decided that this morning’s cramps were my body rejecting a fertilized egg. An egg that may have tried its luck at implanting today but that was rudely shoved away from my uterine wall.
I do not have much in the way of hope any more.
This morning I went to visit my friend who has just had a beautiful baby girl. And I tried hard, but still a couple of tears escaped.
Another friend was also there, who is 30 weeks pregnant.
They were both blooming and happy. Talk turned to breastfeeding and night-waking and all I could do was wonder if I would ever have a part in these things ever again.
I need to move forward.
I need to move on with clearing out my life.
I know that paring down my possessions and clearing the decks is what I need to do, so that I can give my thoughts space and open up my life to new things. Because I can’t spend the rest of my life depressed and at some point I am going to have to face up to the fact that I may never have another child.