Feel free to join me!
Yup, headline news in our house is that this morning I am at the point of total emotional meltdown and have completely LOST my ability (not that I’m even sure I had it in the first place), to be calm, rational, kind and measured.
Well lets begin with some facts – much easier than writing it all out for you and getting lost in paragraphs of my own anger/sadness/grief/despair.
- DS2 is turning 2 on Saturday
- Exactly 1 year ago, on the morning of DS2’s first birthday party I ended up in an ambulance, on my way to hospital, miscarrying at 13.5 weeks (great timing, huh?)
- Exactly 1 year ago, DH cancelled the party we had planned for family that afternoon.
- Exactly 1 year ago, for the three days I spent in hospital not one family member visited me. And not one family member helped DH look after the boys (who were 2 and 1). In fact, the only contact we had with anyone in that time was my own parents who I called from the hospital bed to tell them I was alive.
- For 3 months following that day, DH’s parents did not phone or visit. At all. They reappeared in November, when DS2’s birthday came around.
- All of the above family are due to visit us on Saturday afternoon. Just like last year.
- I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was a Big. Fat. Negative.
So, can you begin to imagine what my current state of mind is?
Aside from the fact that I had high hopes (as hard as I tried not to think about it) that I would be pregnant for DS2’s birthday (I’ve waited long enough and it would help soothe the wound of of his first birthday), I actually have to act all happy and entertain two sets of parents over the weekend when what I really want to do is shout at them and cry and sob and throw things at the way life has been for the last year and the way I feel I was wronged by them all.
In fact, I’ve even been imagining an alternate birthday party, where I stand up to give a little speech when everyone is here. Kind of like this:
[Stands up, sways slightly from the half a bottle of wine consumed]
I’m so glad that you’ve all turned up today to celebrate DS2’s birthday even though not one of you fuckers came to visit me last year when I was bleeding to death in the hospital and DH was on his own here with the two kids. Thank you.
How would that go down, I wonder.
So, this morning.
This morning, I took a (ultra sensitive 10miu) test and it was negative. I’m not due for a few days but I knew I wasn’t pregnant anyway. As usual any hopes were dashed on the sharp rocks of unexplained secondary infertility.
So I came downstairs with a sore throat, a headache, an empty uterus, and sadness in my heart for Saturday (which should be a joyful occassion – it IS a birthday after all) and the kids are playing up and DH is just standing there doing nothing, waiting to be given instructions (I swear, it’s like having 3 children already, why would I need another anyway?) and my voice starts to wobble and the tears come and then before I know it DH and I are waist-deep in an emotional dissection of last years hospital saga and the lack of support from either of our families.
Which of course, is neither of our faults.
I cry and cry and cry and in the end (because I really do deal with things better on my own), I send DH to work and try to compose myself for the day ahead.
I am so close to calling everyone and saying:
Sorry, no visiting this weekend. I can’t do it. I’m still not over my miscarriage in August (do you remember it? The one where I spent 3 days in hospital and had to have a blood transfusion?), let alone the three chemical pregnancies I’ve had since then, and I’m still upset that none of you were there to help either of us, so sorry, Saturday is cancelled.
But I don’t.
Because it would kill my parents (who are emotionally fragile themselves and god knows they have already been through enough in their own lives) and because if I make a stand against DH’s parents, I will never let them back into my life again, which is the wrong thing to do for the children.
So instead I cry and cry and cry and cry.
And DS1 brings me some Maracas and DS2 tries to climb on my back for a piggyback ride.
And then I realise a few things.
- What if someone told me today that this time next year I still would not be pregnant. That there would be no third baby. Ever. What would I start doing differently, right now, today?
- That I am blaming EVERYONE for what is going on in my life. I feel such anger and rage at other people over the things that have happened to me. On the surface it’s because they weren’t there for either me or DH, but on a deeper level I’ve always known that my own family was dysfunctional and unable to help others, so why do I still expect it after all these years? Why does it suddenly hurt so much now when it’s been this way since I was a child?
- That I need to stop blaming others. Full stop. It’s a horrible, self-pitying way to think and I don’t want to be that person.
- That I need to clear out the emotional clutter. My physical possessions are so much less now and my head feels so much worse. I’ve got to start untangling what’s in there.
It’s not just about this weekend, or last year. It’s more than that. It’s ghosts in the nursery, unresolved issues with people, bad friendships, bad choices, old hurts, traumatic life experiences. My personality needs stripping down the the basics and rebuilding. I need to clear it all out. Get it all out. Start again. Grow myself or grow a tumour (so they say).
How the hell do I do all of this?
I know it’s all about baby steps – just like with physical clutter – you can’t get rid of 38 years of emotional angst in one go without having some kind of lobotomy.
But at least with physical clutter you can make a start anywhere and see immediate changes.
Changing the way you think, reconciling the thoughts that are ingrained in your mind is a little more challenging.
I’m off to research exactly how to do this. How to ‘fix’ myself.
Or at least how to make myself feel happier, more of the time.
My ultimate goal would be forgiveness, but even the thought of that right now makes my stomach turn (that’s how bad it is for me I’m afraid).
I’m going to get a notebook, read read read. List out my issues, work through them. If necessary I’ll see someone else for therapy, whether it’s talking or alternate or conventional.
I’ll probably write it up on here – I apologise in advance for dragging you all through the mire with me 😉
And finally, I read a couple of things this morning in the great wordpress community that are so relevant to me right now I wanted to share them.
Firstly, Nancy over at My Year of Sweat said:
Magic happens…change happens…when we decide to take control of our outcomes. And yes, that involves work. Get over it. Stop blaming your parents for your bad genes and start making lifestyle changes that will improve your life.
Secondly, Ginny over at My Simplicity Quest said:
The older I get, the easier it gets for me to forgive… – mostly because l have much to be forgiven for.
And so do I.
And I’d never thought of it like that before.
Wish me luck with this one. I’ve known it was coming and I’ve put it off for so long.
I can’t give you numbers and stats and before and after photos, but I can tell you if my world tends towards more sunshine and less rain on this journey I’m about to embark on. Thanks for reading.