Well, after some soul-searching over why I am really procrastinating over everything, I’ve booked an appointment with my GP to request the contraceptive pill. I go in on Friday morning.
This isn’t a long term birth control solution (we used charting to not get pregnant before we used it to get pregnant). I hate pills (all kinds of pills), full stop, but in this instance they have a single purpose – to break the cycle of TTC. I need a break from thinking about ovulation, due dates, making sure we time things right, and imagining two simultaneous but totally different futures every single month.
My life is just on hold until I either have a baby or stop trying for a baby. Walking down two paths at the same time is exhausting. I need to choose, and since I can’t choose to get pregnant, I choose not to.
I’m not sure when I’m going to start taking them – my period is due in 12 days, so it could be as soon as that. Or maybe I will need to wait another cycle.
I’m not denying I’m secretly hoping to be pregnant, of course I am, but I think that realistically we all know it isn’t going to happen.
I did say I’d wait until my due date slipped into the next academic year to stop, but actually the thought of yet more waiting and trying is just horrible. I think having mentally staked out an end point has made me realise how ready I am.
We’ve given it 18 months. We’re suffered 3 very early losses and 1 awful miscarriage at 13.5 weeks.
I’m not interested in paying for IUI or IVF (and I’m not even eligible on the NHS). There aren’t really any other options (random fling with another man at the right time of the month? Maybe not).
I can carry on into bitterness and pain, forever dreaming of what might never be, or I can grab life with both hands now, be grateful for everything I have and build something out of the ashes of my fertility.
P.S. I do, of course, fully reserve the right to change my mind.