It’s pretty obvious that my life has been in limbo for the last 2 years 9 months.
I’m currently going through the second baby-boom with 4 people I know that are concurrently pregnant, and a horrible, sneaking, cold-chill inducing fear that my sister-in-law is going to be next (not to mention my next door neighbour). They got married a couple of years back, her husband is now home after 6 months away on a boat and more permanently stationed on land (Navy man). They’ve just got back from a huge, no-expenses spared holiday in the Caribbean (way more than anything we can afford), and before they left she said to me We’ve got to do it while we still can.
I know a pregnancy is coming and I’m terrified. Terrified of how it’ll make me feel, and terrified that all my baby things, which I’ve so determinedly held onto, will be under call for donation (our families do not know we are still trying because it just became too difficult to keep telling them about the losses). I really don’t know how to prepare for this, or what the hell I’m going to do when it happens. I wanted to be done, so I could help out, and be a fantastic auntie, and be on hand for my SIL. But instead I’ll be tearful and jealous and I won’t be able to visit them and my mother-in-law will talk about the new baby all the time and expect me to do that thing that mothers do when they’ve had their families – get all soppy about babies. Oh gawd, we’re gonna have to move to another country. Seriously.
And on top of that, I’ve become horribly aware over the last few months of just how much my life is on hold. I do pretty much nothing career-wise, despite being highly educated and previously a proud and conscientious employee. My sense of self, my sense of worth has fallen so far. I haven’t been shopping for new clothes (other than the absolute basics here and there) for over two years. Almost everything I own has a hole in it somewhere. I asked for knickers and socks for Christmas. I don’t like to ask my husband for money to buy new things because a) I’m not earning and b) I’m just kind of waiting to get pregnant so I can wear these things out for good and chuck them. I can’t even really explain why I’m slobbing around in old clothes to be honest. Well – I can, it’s because nothing else is as important to me as this baby. I have energy, and I’m reasonably intelligent, and I could write or program for money, and I think I’ve got the guts and the resources to freelance my way to a reasonable income, but I just have false start after false start because I keep coming back to the obsessing, the reading, the research, the everything.
(Did I mention I found out I had a mild B12 deficiency? It was in my medical records that I requested for the clinic, but no doctor thought to tell me. DER!!!! I’m taking methylcobalamin now – best bioavailability – and don’t even get me started on the research linking low B12 and miscarriage rates.)
The thing is, I AM better than I was. I am no longer a tearful mess. I eat pretty damn well most of the time, I have fairly consistent energy levels physically and I’m more content, more happy at home than I have been for a long time. I don’t cry every day like I used to. In fact, I’m in quite good spirits about 50% of the time! Ha.
But progress is slow. I still have bad days. Bad weeks even. And I feel like I’m never really going to do anything until I shake this RPL ball and chain. My life is tick-tocking by, along with my body clock.
How far are we willing to go? Do we want to approach IVF? Do we really want to do that when we cannot afford to? Really? And what if it fails? Then what? Do we call it quits, or carry on trying?
What if it never happens? How long am I prepared to wait?
In some ways, RPL has been a blessing. Without it I may not have discovered I was celiac. I could still be suffering bloating, gas, running bowel movements, eczema, exhaustion, weird rashes, heart arrhythmia and building up to a whole host of much worse issues as I get older. I could still be drinking tons of caffeine instead of being able to power through the day without that horrible afternoon slump. I could be eating crap food and wondering why my body is falling apart. RPL has given me the awareness and power to radically improve my health – even if there has been no baby. I’m undoubtedly in better shape now that I’ve been in for years. None of that would have happened if I hadn’t been trying to create a safe, healthy environment to grow a child.
But the benefits are going to run out soon. I can’t get younger. And neither can my eggs.
I did eventually get a temp rise this month, but it took several days post my opk to go up. I don’t know if that’s just a slow rise, or a late egg release, but my temps are nice and high now, which I am relieved about (stay away menopause!). We’re heading towards the month I had planned to get pregnant – I’ll ovulate in about three weeks I guess and this is going to be the one. If it’s not, we thought maybe IVF. And I know we need to make the decision so we’re not left waiting around for ages getting tests and all sorts before they can get started.
Everything else in life seems to move too fast, and all this baby stuff seems to move too slow. It’s frustrating as hell. I’ve never been any good at waiting, or multi-tasking, and this whole thing has just totally floored me and my progress in life. I’m almost embarrassed to meet up with friends socially because I have just done NOTHING for so long. How can I explain I’ve been dealing with pregnancy, loss, medical tests, research, appointments, tears, joy, hope and despair? And that’s another thing – my social life is pretty much nonexistent anyway where I’ve cut myself off from so many people.
Eugh!!! I want to be happy and pregnant! Is that too much to ask? I want to get back out there and feel good again!
What am I gonna do people? This is a theoretical question – I know I’m the only one who can answer it. I’ve got to look deep inside and find the answer and then somehow decide that I’ll integrate that answer into a successful life, regardless of what actually happens.
What I do know is, as long as I am TTC, I’m not putting 100% into anything else in my life. As long as I am TTC, everything else gets the leftovers. And that’s no way to live.