Day 7/14 When You Just Want To Cry

standingtall

I’ll explain the giraffe later.

 

You know why I want to cry? In fact, that’s a moot question because I am crying, and I cried a lot yesterday too.

Because I’m so sad and angry about how the last 2.5 years have turned out.

I am wallowing in a great big pool of feeling sorry for myself at the moment, and you know what?

It’s okay.

The future perfect me, the one that I always think of when I am at my lowest point, the one who has all her shit together no matter what’s going on in her life, she tells me that it’s ok. And so it is. It’s completely okay to cry your heart out for losing so many pregnancies. It’s completely okay to feel cheated, angry, bitter, exhausted and numb from the relentless pain. It’s completely okay to cry and cry and cry for catching a too-small-to-be-born baby in the palm of your hand in the midst of a bloody miscarriage.

I had hopes this month, with all the cramps and twinges, it felt hopeful.

But yesterday morning, it all came to a stop. And total radio silence has resumed.

Having been pregnant 10 times (5 of those didn’t even make 72 hours after implantation), I pretty much know that total silence from my uterus means NO PREGNANCY.

And I’ve walked around with such a heavy heart for the last 24 hours.

Because I really know, deep down, that it’s time to stop this. And I knew that at the start of this month, because to be honest, our trying consisted of two very perfunctory BDs and I was relieved when it was done.

So I’m grieving.

Grieving for the unfairness of everything I’ve been through. For the lost dream. For every time I’ve imagined five of us sat around the dinner table. For the fact that despite trying hard, I couldn’t make it happen. I failed.

Me – with my grammar school education and two degrees, my problem solving skills and my excellent grasp of english and maths, with my ability to dig deep and find reserves even when they aren’t there, to manage 36 hours of hard labour with no pain relief, to smile at the midwife when she sewed me up, to keep it together in the face of my mother’s attempted suicide, to cycle 1800km across Europe, to bunji jump off of Victoria Falls in Africa, to win £4000 back in bank charges for my little brother (don’t even ask), and to raise two boys, 21 months apart without a single piece of support or help from anyone other than my husband. Capable me – the person I believed could do anything I put my mind to, no matter what.

I failed to have a third baby.

This hurts me. As much as the loss of my third child does. It’s a broken dream AND a failure on my part.

So I am grieving.

But I don’t have trying in me any more.

I can’t stick to a healthy diet because the anger just keeps bubbling up and sabotaging my efforts – the anger that says other people can eat shit, and drink, and smoke, and still get pregnant, so what’s the deal?

I’m done with trying, and I think, deep down, I can accept that.

I’m going to take a break from this blog, and from all things pregnancy and baby.

I will pop back in a few months (maybe for my 40th birthday in December!) and let you know how I’m doing.

But for now, I need to learn how to be me without all of this.

So, just to reassure you that I am in fact, alright, this is what the next few months, getting back on my feet, are going to be like for me:

standingup

But hopefully next time we speak I will be more like this:

standingtall

Love and light to you all.

14 thoughts on “Day 7/14 When You Just Want To Cry

  1. Hi, I’m late to your blog, only came across it a few months ago when investigating auto immune infertility and antihistamine protocol. I’m 45 and got pregnant with my second at 43.7 years, had her at 44, so it’s possible. I also have a 14 year old DD who is DX with mild Aspergers Syndrome (high functioning autistic spectrum, birth was very traumatic, so who knows..) She was quite hard to manage as a youngster,plus my husband was in an accident, hence the huge age gap. Additionally, we were scared of having another child with perhaps more severe autism, which I know many moms with more than 1 child on spectrum, varying degrees… In any case, my original dream was to have a large family of 4, oh well….lemons, but at 42 we took a leap of faith and decided to try once again and dearly hoped to have a normal sibling for my DD. I had my CD 3 blood tests, FSH was 5.4, but AMH was .16, was told I would need donor egg/too old of course. As it turned out, my 43 yr old egg was ship shape, my now 15 month old DD seems to be developing very normally/on track, and I am not giving up yet. I would LOVE to have 2 kids close in age so they can play together, so I am still trying (9 mos so far) and am coincidentally about the same DPO you are. I got a +OPK on 9/13, was also feeling hopeful, felt twinges first week, but now as of 9DPO, radio silence too. I was DX Hashimoto’s hypothyroid after this baby, which is autoimmune, and my antibodies were in thousands, so I began investigating high NK cells/implantation failure etc., as 50% of people w/Hashi’s have failure due to high NK cells, body attacks embryo. (google Dr. Sher) During my 18 months of TTC #2, I got preg, 2x (one chem., second one stuck), but was sick both times with a cold during 2ww, so I theorize my body was too busy fighting my infection to kill off the emby. I posted about what I did for #2 on Baby and Bump if interested. Do you still use the antihistamine protocol during TWW? I tried it only 1x, BFN, but am going to try it again next month maybe a few times. Do you get runny nose sneezing fits early TWW? This happens to me almost every time about 6DPO, it’s like I’m having a histamine RX to implantation or something, but i know SOME amount of histamine is necessary, but what is excessive? I also tried going gluten free as this is recommended if you have Hashi’s, but I’m with you, it’s so hard. I did it religiously for 3 mos. now I can’t anymore either. I’m still trying to not have too much white sugar, but during TWW, I often just cave and need some chocolate. I’ve given up wine, caffeine, (except for green tea), but GF is very hard, I’m taking a break. Didn’t make a difference in my weight either. I meant to have my thyroid antibodies checked, but messed up, had gluten, so I’m not sure if going GF can lower TPO antibodies, I may have the will to try it again in a while…I’m guess I’m not lucky that I came to your blog just as you are stopping. My period is due 9/27, and I’m hoping to win the lottery and catch one more good egg. Best of luck to you, and be grateful you do have 2 healthy boys close in age, and no child in Special Ed, it’s a whole other world of worry.

    PS I was in tears sobbing when I read about your miscarriage at home…hugs.

    • Thanks. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. Well done on having your DD at 44 – that is great! I am, every day, in every way eternally grateful for the children I have – trust me.

      Gluten free has been straightforward. Once I got the diagnosis, I just quit. Haven’t looked back in 5 months and will never touch it again 🙂

      I don’t get the runny nose and sneezing fits around implantation – I think now I’m GF my immune system has calmed right down. I certainly feel a whole lot better for it.

      Wishing you luck for this cycle.

  2. I forgot to ask, you tried a lot of things, but I didn’t see DHEA listed, have you considered it? Also, and I hope this isn’t TMI but when (approx CD) and how long do you get EWCM? Is it less than when you were younger?

    • DHEA isn’t available in the UK. You can import it, but after much reading I decided against it. EWCM varies. Usually 2-3 days. Varies a lot by month though. Not sure about when I was younger – have only tracked it for the last 5 years and it’s been pretty consistent…

  3. Oh, Rose, I will miss you so very much, but I have a lot of respect for where you are with all this right now and you need to do what you think is best. That doesn’t mean I will stop thinking of you or stop sending you love or hugs, though! 🙂 Do take good care of yourself. Wishing you all the very best, no matter where life’s road may take you next. Oh, and I love the giraffes!

    • I cried when I read this. Lots of tears around at the moment. Thank you so very much for being such an integral part of my journey and for so much kindness and kinship. I will be lurking on your blog for news 🙂 And I’ll be back – I always am. Just, not for a while, while I find my feet again. Love and huge hugs for you and your gorgeous bump xxxxxxxxx

      • Well, you got me choked up reading your reply! I swear, what hormones will do to us. I hope you won’t find my updates upsetting or insensitive. I always worry about that. I look forward to your return, no matter where you are in your journey when that day comes. Best wishes for your next wobbly giraffe steps, may they become ever less wobbly as you go, and so many thanks for kind words and support! Much love to you! xoxoxo

  4. OH Rose, I feel for you so much. You didn’t fail but it is unfair. So fucking unfair. And if you need to cry and scream and rant and rave then you should let yourself do that. You are always in my thoughts as I’m traveling this road too. Take care of yourself. Will be thinking of you. xxx

Leave a reply