27 February 2018

I must be getting more sleep as I’m not blogging so desperately with updates, lol! Things have settled down quite a lot now F is in with me. She has started talking in her sleep before she wakes up and I think she is a really vivid dreamer because she will often say something (usually about food), and then get upset and wake up. However she settles back pretty quickly with me there, so it’s probably as good as it’s going to get for now. I still like to be in bed by 9pm, which is okay as it’s just me and the three kiddos.

I have picked up the family photo books again, and I’ve just finished 2013 (so that’s 5 books – 2009-2013 – done). I restarted after a long break because I was doing a big clear out of the conservatory. It houses our filing cabinet and inside was loads of artwork and kids stuff from preschool. I knew I just had to get these photobooks FINISHED because leaving them just makes for a horrible backlog (like the one I’m facing).

I’m on a bit of a mission at the moment to simplify the house further and reduce the number of projects I always seem to have ongoing, so the books have been occupying every spare moment.

Completing 2013 was a relief. It was a tough year: three miscarriages, the death of my nan, I was attacked by a dog out running, two friends had pregnancies, baby showers and babies, we did a long weekend away with some people I later realised were not really very good friends and we went on a family holiday with my in-laws where Steve and I argued almost all week. I was so lonely and tired and sad that year – how the fuck I ended up persevering and finally having F in 2015 I actually cannot fathom.

I felt really quite down while going through all the photos and although it is a lovely album with some wonderful pictures of the boys there is an underlying sadness to the whole year and I remember every event and how I felt inside even though I didn’t display it.

I vowed to myself last night that I will never, ever again pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. I will never put on a smiley face to keep relatives and friends happy and avoid making other people feel uncomfortable. It was utterly exhausting and such a hard, hard year. People in general have been far more helpful and concerned over our recent marital separation than they were over my miscarriages and haemorrhages and hospitalisations. People generally speak to me about it as though someone has died, when in fact it is the death of a marriage, not a person.

Maybe it is because the subject of miscarriage is too personal and uncomfortable, whereas relationships break down all the time. People know what they are expected to say when talking about relationships. They understand.


The photobook mission is back on.

2016 in Review and 2017 Plans


Right from when I first found out I was pregnant I knew that the first year after the baby was born would essentially be a year of tending to the basics of survival and not much else.  A newborn has a way of consuming the hours in the day without you ever really knowing where they go. However, despite that, and despite Baby F barely leaving my arms for the first four months, I still managed to achieve a handful of things:

A New Book

I’m working on a new book and have written 47,000 words so far. I’m about halfway through and I’ve had a complete break over Christmas, ready to pick up again in the New Year.

A New Business

I launched my new digital media company, Five Pixels, at the end of October. That sounds far grander than it is – it was a very low key affair! I booked a series of clients and I have a lot of work on for the first quarter of 2017. All very exciting.

A Growing Baby

Baby F is saying Mama and Dada, and babbling lots of other sounds. She is knee-walking and cruising, but yet to take her first steps. She is a climber and an explorer, but she’s still very much a Mummy’s girl. I reached one year of breastfeeding with flying colours and I was so, so pleased that we had made it that far. After Christmas I swiftly weaned her off of the night feeds as she was still feeding up to four times a night and one year on I was literally a broken mess from the lack of sleep. It was affecting my mood and my health and I knew it was time for me to stop. We did a complete cold turkey between the hours of ~10/11pm and 7am and she did brilliantly. Honestly – I was so worried it would be nights of screaming, but aside from a few minutes of wailing, she settled back to sleep and last night, our seventh night, she slept from 10:30pm (her last feed), to 7am without a peep. She was obviously just as ready as I was 🙂


I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in the second half of the year. After doing some running over the summer I had to stop completely due to the increasing pain in my toes. I have something called hallux rigidus and I can no longer bend my right big toe upwards properly. I can’t stand on tiptoes and I can’t do yoga or lunges or any other exercises that requires toe-flexibility. I have really struggled with accepting this and have had a few evenings where I have felt really sorry for myself. Running is one of my ‘things’ and to not be able to do it, when I have waited so long to get back into it, is quite a blow. Worse, is the fact that I am now getting pain in my knees, hips, elbows, wrists and thumbs too. My GP said that the chronic lack of sleep I’ve suffered will probably be contributing to my joint pain, so weaning baby F off the night feeds will hopefully help provide some much needed time for my joints to rest and repair.



I have one overriding, overarching goal for 2017 that takes priority over everything else, and that is my health and fitness. I have a little bit of post-baby weight to lose (maybe 4kg), but mostly I want my energy back, my fitness back and my strength back. This is my BIG theme for the year.


I am currently working through a training video on using omnifocus so that I can get everything from work and personal projects into a decent digital task/project manager. I really want to find a system that works for me this year.


I want to streamline my business processes and get a decent portfolio up on my website. I am totally open to how business pans out – I am enjoying all of it at the moment, so I’m just going with the flow.

The Book

My goal is to finish first draft, revise, and then send out to an agent.


As much as possible I want to work on my photography skills. It’s just something I love to do.

I’m looking forward to a healthy and productive 2017 🙂

Portrait – Almost 13 Months

1 year portrait

Baby F is becoming more cheeky by the day. She’s into everything now and wants to do everything that her big brothers do. Something that has surprised me (as the boys never really did it), is how she is expressing an interest in the clothes that she wants to wear (i.e. she screams until we put her in her halloween pumpkin top if she sees it). She has been absolutely fascinated by all the Christmas lights. She’s got four teeth and will sometimes stand unaided, but I think walking is still a way off.

Winter Sunrise


I opened my front door this morning to this view.

I was in the midst of herding all the children out to the car and mentally going through the 3,000 things I needed to do, but when I saw the view I just stopped. Stunning! I snapped a quick photograph, admired the sky for a few more seconds, and then the craziness of the day resumed.

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