101 Days Until I’m 40

We’ve arranged our first EVER overnight babysitting. My in-laws are driving two hours to stay at our house and one of the main reasons I can JUST ABOUT trust someone else with my children is that for the most part, they will be in school and preschool, so it’s only pick-up, feeding, bedtime and drop off that needs doing.

I don’t know why I have such trust issues (actually, I do: it’s because of the depression, psychosis, and total lack of normality in my own family).

But at least now the boys are bigger (and can tell me all about what goes on), I feel a little less like I have to BE THERE FOR EVERY SECOND IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THEM.

Which means we have booked a very nice suite in a spa hotel, and dinner at a very posh restaurant. And in the day time I’m going to find some kind of activity that we can do (all less than an hour’s drive from home, of course, in case I need to rush back).

I am actually looking forward to it.

I also have a cream, beaded, strapless dress that I’d like to wear (oh it is just so lovely!), but at the moment I’m still too chubby round the middle from pregnancy to get back into it.

However – I’m still exercising every week (and loving it, weirdly), so I’m hoping to drop just enough weight to get back into that dress – and if I don’t, I’m going to buy myself a lovely new one anyway ;-).

I thought about parties, and friends and whatnot, but at the end of the day, what I really want to do (and given it’s my 40th, that’s what it’s all about), is spend the day doing something super-relaxing and gratifyingly indulgent with my husband. I think having finally accepted that I am introvert and that’s OK, I don’t feel the need to impress everyone by having a massive party for my 40th birthday.

For the second half of my life, I intend to be a lot truer to myself than I have for the first half of my life.

Hurrah for turning 40!

Well Hello There Wednesday

I’ve popped in for a 10 minute catch up. I’ve read a handful of posts, will scribble this down and then head off again.

Like Mummy Flying Solo I think bullet points are the way forward!

  • Valerie’s Health and Fitness challenge has been awesome. I’ve not touched gluten at all (and never will again, given I found out I was coeliac just before starting). My eczema has completely gone. My heart palpitations have gone. My rosacea around my nose has gone. I even need less sleep. It is incredible. Life-changing in fact.
  • Long time readers will know that I blog completely anonymously – no one knows or follows these posts that I know in real life. Well, I’ve just started a new blog, which is me FOR REAL. One that I am not super-paranoid about others finding out about. I am planning on running my new blog to start generating an income at some point. And I’m also working on an autobiography (delusions of grandeur, ha ha!), that I’m going to promote through that blog. I have finally realised that me is me. I will pop back and share this with you soon.
  • I’ve broken up with some friends. They made me feel bad about myself such a lot and in the end, I realised I was done with seeing them. We all met up once a week as a mums group and I decided my time was up. I texted and explained in a diplomatic but honest way and just like that I was out. And I feel so good about it.
  • I have an appointment next week to check up on my 6cm cyst. I finally stopped bleeding 67 days after my miscarriage, and since then all has been quiet. I am hoping that the cyst has resolved as I am very reluctant to opt for surgery. We will see next Wednesday.
  • That’s about it. Life is good. And I feel good about life.

I miss you all, but will be blogging less frequently here, I think. At least for the moment.

I have been away before and returned in force, so never say never 😉

Much love, Rx

Emotional Peace Takes Practice

I’ve been working on my “issues” of late.

My issues/baggage/neuroses/problems/mental clutter/obsessions/afflictions have been constant companions throughout my adult life. I am so comfortable with most of them, that I’m not even sure who I would be if they went away (and isn’t that the problem we all have?).

Despite the fact that they caused me upset, grief, resentment and anger I carried on, persisting with these emotional patterns, over and over.

Crazy eh?

Something has happened though. Well, a combination of things.

My recent miscarriage, of all things, seems to have grounded me. And in the tender, impressionable days following my loss I read two books: Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin and Sacred Fire by Kino MacGregor.

This seemingly innocent trio has started an avalanche. First came the realisation of how negative and bitter my thoughts had become. Then the revelation that my thoughts (and consequent high levels of stress) could be affecting my health. Then the slow belief that we can change our thoughts because they are just thoughts.

The morning I woke up in the hospital, I started keeping a list of gratitudes. The first thing I wrote was:

That I am alive.

I’ve added many, many things to that list since then.

Being grateful really does make me more inclined to notice the good. It helps me see the things that I should be appreciating.

But not only that.

I’ve been working, practicing seeing old hurts in a different light. In the light of forgiveness.

At first it felt wrong, and strange, like something terrible might actually happen if I let go and accepted things for how they were.

But as the days have drawn on and I’ve kept up that openness inside me, things have stared to shift. I have been meditating, just quietly being in my own body, almost every night. I have started practicing yoga – something I had always dismissed, but which seems to have opened up a new path for me. I have even held a small private ceremony where I burnt pieces of paper that contained old hurtful thoughts (yes, even for me that’s a little weird, but hell, you should have seen those papers burn).

I always thought that getting over emotional issues was something that just happened one day, when you were ready, or when life was right, or when cosmic justice dished out an appropriate punishment for the offender.

It doesn’t. You get over an emotional issue when you are ready to let it go.

No one else can help you, or do it for you.

Letting go is not easy. Sometimes I have a moment of fear or doubt, that somehow I am weak or gullible for not having that hurt inside me to remind me of the pain of trusting the wrong person. But then I realise that releasing old hurts and moving on doesn’t have to erase the lessons I have learnt from them.

I can still be me, but without the pain.

So each day, I step a little further into the light.

It is terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. Who am I if I am not who I think I am?

I know I could, at the drop of a hat, run back into the darkness. If I stop being mindful of my emotional state, it will slip back into old habits. Ingrained patterns of thinking do not disappear overnight.

So I will keep writing my gratitudes each day, and I will keep giving myself the gift of mental quietness, and I will keep my heart open, because with practice, emotional peace will eventually settle. It will become a habit. A habit that will change everything on the inside.

And for that, and the realisation that change is directly within my reach and under my control, I am also grateful.

Kino MacGregor posted this on Instagram today:

Practice Santosha, contentment, and learn to be at peace with yourself and the world around you. After many years of practice you will get saumanasya, the cheerful, joyful yogi’s mind. Cultivating love for all aspects of your life is the essence of yoga and when it is perfected you will have a happiness that shines forth regardless of what lies out on the horizon. I didn’t invent this, it’s straight out of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, Book II 😊

Emotional peace really does take practice.

Blogging

I don’t know what it is about this blog that makes me come back to it. I’ve been feeling more and more that I have absolutely no idea what the point of it is.

I mean the point of this blog, rather than the point of blogging. I find writing these posts tends to clear my thoughts and I like how it lays down a record of my life (albeit in anonymous form).

But my organised, logical brain feels that I should have some kind of focus, and it just hasn’t happened that way. I started this to record Life With 3 Kids, but due to citcumstances found I was writing about minimalism, healthy eating, making your own beauty products, TTC, my emotional state and eveything but its original purpose.

Maybe now I can blog as I originally intended… but I have hundreds (literally!) of posts scattered over all sorts of topics. It just seems disjointed.

I’ve never been interested in stats or increasing my readership. In fact, it astonishes me that some of you have stuck with me for so long, given everything I ramble about on here.

So why I am still doing this?

The thing is, I spend a fair proportion of time writing posts and nosing into other people’s lives, so it feels like there should be a point. A plan. A focus. A big idea.

[big sigh]

I don’t know.

Why do you all blog? Is it for the love of it? Do you hope to make a bigger and more successful blog? To earn an income if possible?

Why do we all do this?

I am searching for meaning!

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