I’ve been in tears today at the thought of leaving DS2 at nursery when I return to work next week.
I’ll be going back three full days and he will be at nursery for all three days, for probably around 9 hours each day 🙁
He’s been really clingy since his two visits to nursery and I think it’s because he is worried I’m just going to leave him again. Every single time I try to put him down he starts to cry, so today I’ve spent the day with him pretty much glued to my hip (must buy baby sling asap).
Talked to DH about it all this evening and we touched on the possibility of me leaving work for good.
Except it’s not a possibility at all.
With me working, even after paying for childcare, it brings in a lifestyle altering amount of money. Without me at work there would be no holidays. Kids clothes would be scarce and probably secondhand. We’d have to conserve money on food shopping (and I love my organic fruit and veg).
And I’ve worked my entire life. I got my first part time job at 14 and even at university I did bar work for extra cash. I’ve never taken money from anyone and even though I love DH and we have a happy and equal relationship, I could not bring myself to live off of an allowance from his salary.
Part of it stems from the time my mother told me “always have your own money”. She was a SAHM and my parents divorced with much resentment when I was 15.
Part of it is just the fact that I wouldn’t feel right spending someone else’s cash.
And part of it is the fact that I would (rightly or wrongly) question my own worth if I wasn’t earning an income.
So onward I sail, into the inevitable return to work and all the anxiety and stress that leaving your children with others comes with.
I am not looking forward to it at all.