Calm

So after yesterday’s mini-meltdown, I’m feeling so much better (and we now have a clean kitchen).

I think I just needed to let all that fear out.

So much fear for pain ahead that I may never have to go through.

My uterus has gone quiet (which is also worrying me after the last two days of aching – you just can’t win). My boobs are still averagely sore and I’m still feeling a little watery-mouthed.

I have ummed and ahhed about a private scan. In the end I came to the following conclusions:

  • I did a bit of googling and it seems that a scan today, or tomorrow, will at most, show a pregnancy sac. The heart starts beating between weeks 5 and 6, so going for a scan and not seeing a heartbeat will do nothing to reassure me, and I’ll just have to go back in again a week later.
  • My doctors appointment is this evening, so hopefully I will find out how long I’ll need to wait for an early scan.
  • If an early scan isn’t going to be that early, I will book a private scan for the start of next week (I will be 6 weeks on Monday).

And I’m OK with all of that.

Still absolutely no trace of spotting, or any painful cramps, so deep down, my gut feeling is that everything is OK.

The panic-lady I have living inside my head has lain down and gone quiet.

I am feeling somewhat embarrassed that the last time I saw my doctor, I cried when he prescribed me the pill, and this time I’m going in to tell him I’m pregnant. I’ve actually dreamed of this scenario over and over in my head.

Now, my doctor is definitely more:

doctor

than:

doctor

but the fact is, he’s a really nice man, and I feel a bit silly-teenage-girl-ish going in there to tell him I’m having a baby after crying my eyes out last year and insisting on taking the pill because I couldn’t.

It seems kind of weird… or maybe it’s just me.

13 thoughts on “Calm

  1. He will be thrilled for you, although the first pic doesn’t look the type who can get thrilled. haha! Glad you’re feeling better, sometimes a good clean will be all the therapy we need…and a good cry too. You’ve had a long road getting to where you are, so it is okay to be freaked! I am eager to hear about your appointment today. Hope you have a better day and DH gets in a better mood! 😉

  2. I think you are right on the money in your decision and logic regarding the scan. And no matter what happens, you are going to be ok. You really are. (hmm, how is it that I can say that to a friend but I can’t take my own advice? Ironic.) Anyway, just remember to breathe in and breathe out. And keep us posted!

  3. I went to my first guided meditation class last night, and let me preface this by saying I’m the biggest skeptic in the world, but… I loved it! All the new-age’y shit, and all. 🙂
    Anyway, point to my comment is: as part of the meditation we did “affirmations”. Once we had quieted our minds and tapped into our deep inner core, we (silently) repeated affirmations, like: “Nancy, you are healed” or “Nancy you are forgiven” or “Nancy you are worthy” (insert your own affirmation here…). I know it sounds hokey, but there was something very powerful about letting in the good energy (white light, whatever you want to call it) and telling yourself, with conviction, that you are (insert your word here). I’m definitely a convert to the power of meditation and plan to go back for another 2-hour class in 2 weeks. I’d recommend doing some type of meditation as a means of both a) staying positive and b) staying calm and des-stressed. Couldn’t hurt, right?
    xoxo

    • Ahhh, I’m glad you enjoyed it!! I’m generally a pretty practical person and I don’t go in for the purple tie-dye yoga hippy stuff on the surface, but you know what? Deep down I love it. I think I carry my Dad’s opinion’s of it all being a bit… “load of old rubbish”, but it isn’t – I tried regular meditation a while back (a year or more?) and I loved it. Truly. And I do think there is something to be said for affirmations… after all, the brain only believes what you tell it, so if you tell it you are healed and you are wonderful, a tiny part of you takes it at face value. Over time it adds up to something – I’m certain of it. Yes, some meditation would be a good thing for me. I MUST try to make time for it!!!!

  4. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I think your thought process with the scan is good. When I had bleeding around 5 weeks, my good friend who is a maternal/fetal med specialist talked me through it (in the middle of the night!) and suggested I wait to 6 or even 7 weeks if I could hang in there mentally, as at 5 weeks a scan might create more anxiety, even if nothing was wrong. I wanted to post after your previous blog, but didn’t want to stick my oar in when you needed to vent.

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