And Then This Happened

SMU

I don’t even really know what to say about this.

Pffffff.

Crazy.

Last month, as I said in my previous post, I had a breezy two week wait and apart from a bit of mourning on the day AF arrived I was doing really well.

Actually, let’s go back a bit further.

A few months ago, with my 40th birthday looming on the horizon (it’s now in 2.5 weeks), I took a look in the mirror and decided I needed to focus on my health – properly. Not because of TTC, but because I just needed to look after myself.

So, I started green smoothies yet again after a long break, and I bought some anti-aging supplements (chlorella, spirulina, and coQ10 (ubiquinol)). I also bought a multivitamin and started upping the amount of veg we were all eating. We’d slipped into bad habits over the summer where the boys had been home. Also, for a while now I’ve been taking a very low dose of DHEA (IVF clinics often prescribe this to improve egg quality, but it takes several months to take effect). The recommended dose is 75mg, but it’s a hormone and requires monitoring, so I have been taking only 25mg a day – in fact, I was basically finishing the pot I had left in the cupboard, just because it was there.

I’ve been exercising at least once a week since early August.

I don’t know if these changes made a difference or not (I have also been caffeine and gluten free since the end of April), but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Anyway, back to this month. It started out well, and in fact, we almost missed my ovulation I was so laid back about it (can you believe that? That never would have happened six months ago).

And that was that.

But on Tuesday I was just so tearful. I spent the whole day catching up on blogs and reading about what everyone else is up to (so many pregnancies out there right now!), and then reading about egg quality and catching up on forums and all the shit that I really shouldn’t be doing.

And then… I can’t even explain it. I just had this feeling I was pregnant. I thought maybe it was psychosomatic and caused just by reading about pregnancy.

I turned the house upside down looking for a leftover pregnancy test. Not a single one in the house.

I went online and put some pregnancy tests into a basket – the 10miu ones I prefer to use – but then when I went downstairs to get my purse I decided I was being an idiot, so I didn’t buy them.

Yesterday I spent the whole day trying not to think that I was pregnant.

Symptoms?

Sore boobs. Which I get most months.

Nothing else. No cramps, no aching, no spotting, no cm even.

But this feeling…

So this morning after dropping DS1 off at school, I took DS2 to the supermarket and we picked up the cheapest £1 test I could find.

25miu sensitivity.

And I’m 10 days past ovulation today, so still too early really, for a shop test.

But I did it.

And with second morning urine.

And that’s what came up, straight away.

I kept picking it up, looking at it, putting it down, and walking back across the room saying to myself I’m seeing things.

But that line is there – on a regular old test.

So, as you can imagine, it doesn’t seem very real at the moment.

And as you know, there are a million and one things that can go wrong at this early stage (and I’m right up there with things going wrong!).

Another miscarriage could easily be on the cards, given my “advanced” age, and my history. Plus a whole host of other bad things I don’t even want to think about.

So, I’ll wait a while.

And we’ll see where we are in a few weeks time.

In the meantime, I shall be shovelling as much organic fruit and veg into my body as I can manage, because this is my first pregnancy since my coeliac diagnosis that looks like it stands a chance of getting off the ground, and my immune system is much better behaved these days!

28 thoughts on “And Then This Happened

  1. WOW! Just WOW! I don’t want to get too worked up as I know you are cautious but Rose, this is amazing. You never know, maybe all the changes you have made this year will help. My acupuncturist has me on CoQ10. Apparently it helps cell division. And I know you’ve done the low dose aspirin before but my Dr just said I should start taking it but I think it needs to be with Day 1 of the cycle so might be too late for you. Anyway WOW. This is fabulous news xx

  2. Thank you. Yes – I did try low dose aspirin for a while (what haven’t I tried, ha). The research seems to say it’s worth a go – and one study showed a big improvement in live birth rates for recurrent miscarriers. Hmm. Wondering if I should go and dig a packet out of the cupboard now. So much whirling around my head – I really wasn’t expecting this – I’ve planned to drink a ton of champagne on my birthday. Sigh. Well – we’ll see what happens I guess.

      • So true – I said to the husband that it would suck to have morning sickness on my birthday, and not be able to use the Sauna at the expensive hotel, and not be able to quaff a ton of champagne for breakfast lunch and dinner, but it’s a price I’d pay if I could. I just hope I don’t miscarry the day after because then I WILL be f*cked off. (Gawd, I shouldn’t joke really, but can you imagine? No don’t. I won’t either).

    • Thank you. I’ve been lurking on your site, following your IVF journey, even though I’ve been trying to keep away (not because of you, because of my own emotional health!). I’m really, really rooting for you and hoping day 5 is a success. Hang in there xxx

    • Thank you!! My goodness, I’m overwhelmed that so many people have popped in given how little I’m here these days. Your little man is gorgeous btw. It is terrifying how fast the time is passing…!

    • I am really touched that you came over to write this. I have been reading about your adoption decision after your medical feedback and many times I’ve started a comment and then decided against it… I know that there can be a huge gulf between primary and secondary infertility and some people can be very angry over people with children “claiming” to know what you’re going through. I know it’s not the same, and I can’t begin to put myself in your shoes, but I do know the absolute pain and frustration of repeated loss. How when it happens over and over, your relationship with your own body changes… It’s a dark road. I hope that going forward, you’ll be heading out into the light X.

      • Thank you so much for this comment and your understanding that we all face different but yet similar struggles. But honestly, I am excited for you! And I am excited for anyone who has struggled regardless of when or how or for how long.
        The goal for all of us is to get a health pregnancy / baby, and to see you finally getting your BFP is such a great thing for you (obviously), and it’s also a great reminder to those who are struggling that there are happy endings! And honestly, I love reading posts like this – they just scream happiness and that’s just awesome!!
        Thank you again, and best wishes! I will be watching and reading for more updates! 🙂

  3. Yay!!! This is SOOO exciting!!! We’ll pray that this baby comes to full term and you are both healthy all the way through!!!

    Such great news!!

  4. Congrats! I’m glad you’ve made your way back to blogging, and especially now with this! I know you’re being cautious right now, but I’m still so happy for you!

  5. WOW! This is very exciting! <– but I won't say that too loudly. So let's just say I'm giving a tiny little squee here in Vegas! 🙂

    Sending love and light your way. Load up on the fruit and veg! xoxo

  6. OMG Rose I knew I had to log in today for a reason!! Hoping so hard for you right now. I basically ingested my weight in q10 after all the good stuff I read about it! So so hopeful for you. Big hug xx

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