I usually like to keep my posts relevant to one or two themes, but I have seriously fallen behind on news, so thought I would pop my head up with a general update on how everything is going and let everyone know I haven’t had some kind of mental breakdown 😉
Phew – it’s been busy. Thankfully preschool has at last opened again so I get a little bit more time to myself starting this week. On Tuesday morning I was here alone in the house and it was like I’d booked myself into a spa – oh such peace and tranquility!
So without further ado, here’s where I’m at:
I am still working through the couch to 5k plan. I’ve slowed right down on my runs – I find that I just can’t train every other day as it’s too tiring for my body. I am running every 2-3 days now, which means I’m not keeping up with the “weeks” in the plan, but I’m completing every training run and am currently due to run Week 5 Day 2. I am still loving it, and can really feel my fitness has increased at this point. Just 17 days left until my 5k!
I’ve done lots and lots here and I definitely feel like it is making a difference – to my stress levels at least. From my previous list I have done the following:
- Cut my hair short (love it, going shorter next time!)
- Been meditating on evenings where I have time (4 longer sessions so far)
- Read half of The Power of Now. I’m still on the fence about this book. I like the concepts, but the writing itself can be a bit awkward.
- Kept on running 🙂
- Had stone massage therapy. I wasn’t sure about this. It was relaxing at the time, but I had sore muscles afterwards for a few days. Apparently this is normal in massage, but I’m not sure I like that part of it! I’m not going back for more.
- I’ve been trying to be more mindful, but this is really tough for me. I’ve downloaded a Sudoku game onto my iPhone and every time I start thinking about things that make me unhappy or stressed I’m playing a sudoku instead. It’s quite a simple tactic, but diverts my thinking 🙂
- DH and I did our first kid-free-block at the weekend (one of us babysits while the other goes out and does whatever they want for 3 hours). It was amazing. We have no one on hand who can watch our boys, so we almost never get time out from being a parent. I went shopping, browsed a bookshop and sat and had a coffee – it was just lovely. We’re planning the same again this weekend.
- Cancelled all my social engagements. What a wonderful, freeing, relaxing feeling! I had a couple of things coming up I was dreading and suddenly they are just all gone! Friends have been really understanding when I explained I was feeling really down.
- Been a (slightly) more patient and happy mum. This is hard – my two boys are a whirlwind for 13 hours a day. However, I’ve tried to control my own reactions to things and to take more deep breaths. I feel far from perfect, but DS1 has been happier and more affectionate, so I think what little I have done has had a positive effect.
Things I have been less successful at: I’m still reading miscarriage/TTC forums, mindlessly surfing the web now and again, having the odd glass of wine and thinking about having a third baby (but see below).
I haven’t tackled any of my “emotional baggage” yet. I’m working up to that once I’m feeling like I’m consistently happier.
Finally I’ve been recording my stress levels each day – just assigning a number for how I think the day has gone, and it has definitely come down. It’s really nice to see that pattern and know that what I am doing is working.
Baby Number 3
Ah, the big one. Probably the biggest reason for everything – this blog, my tears and sadness and frustration. I’m currently half way through the first two weeks of my cycle, so this is my best time mentally – there’s all the potential of ovulation on the horizon and none of the worry about not being pregnant.
My friend had her baby last week and I visited them yesterday. I have to say I was really dreading it – I was worried it was going to leave me tearful and depressed. However, it was fine. In actual fact, the passing of the one year anniversary of my miscarriage has kind of given me a clear path ahead. There are no longer any dates I’m dreading. I think a part of me is actually moving towards acceptance that I may never have another baby. And surprisingly, that thought doesn’t fill me with such anguish. Sadness and grief, oh yes. But the torturous pain and loss I have been experiencing has faded into something more manageable. And if I’m truly, truly honest, there’s a part of me that feels a sense of relief that I don’t have to go through pregnancy, birth and the newborn exhaustion. My boys are growing so fast now, the baby-era is moving further and further into the past. I always knew I wanted my (three) children very close together, so as time passes, it moves me on from that yearning.
What am I going to do with this blog? I don’t know. I haven’t felt drawn to write on here for the last couple of weeks. Deciding what to do with it is going to be part of moving on, but I can’t make any decisions like that right now, so we’ll just carry on until I can.
I’m tentatively thinking that at some point soon, we need to not try. That’s the only way to stop the madness and I know it’s a massive massive decision after almost 17 months, but I can’t go down the “not trying not preventing” route. And I don’t want a surprise baby when my boys are older. It’s always been now or never. And so far there has been no “now” 🙁
Anyway, before I get too maudlin, I have one more piece of news:
At the beginning of this week I sat myself down and realised I needed something else to focus on if I was going to move on from TTC. I needed more life for me instead of all of my life being centred around my children. Two children is a handful, but it’s not enough. If there is going to be no third baby, then I need something else to feel like I’m am really making the absolute most of my life and my time.
So I sat down and contacted a publisher with a book idea I’ve had knocking around for a while. It’s a technical text, so it combines writing with my technical skills and the ability to work from home.
To my astonishment, they replied back within two days and said they want to see a full proposal! A book outline and sample chapter from the middle of the book.
I was in total shock when they responded, and for the last two days have been reading, reading, reading, and mentally planning the proposal that I’m going to send back to them.
If they like it, and sign me on, this opportunity would be my absolute dream job. I have always wanted to write, ever since I was small. I don’t even care if no one buys it (although I’m sure the publisher would), just the fact that in my life I would have written and published a text would mean so much to me. Eeeee!!!
Anyway, because of that, I may be posting a little less frequently, at least until they reject my proposal, at which point I will be back in full force 😉
I’ll keep you all updated.
I am not a hugely spiritual person, but I feel almost as though something, somehow is sending this opportunity my way to balance out the year I’ve had. That the act of reaching out and trying to make something good happen for myself was answered because, actually, I really needed it.
I really needed something to help me move on and remind me that even when it looks as though you have reached a dead end, there are always other paths out there. You just have to find them.