An Apology

When I started this blog, I intended it to be about life with 3 kids. Full stop. A kind of Mummy-blog I suppose (although I’ve never really been into writing a lot about Mummy stuff).

Anyway, the passage of time turned this into something else – an obsessive journey of trying for another baby. A chronicle of secondary infertility.

And incredibly, the support I found in blogging about this journey was more of a comfort to me than people could be in my real life.

In all honesty, this blog has kept me going, given me a better perspective and enabled me to clear my head of thoughts over and over again.

And of course, on that journey I have met many, many other women going through their own struggle to conceive.

So now, as I sit here hoping and praying that this really is it, that I might actually get a chance at being a mum of three, I feel something else.

Guilt.

For every blog I’ve commented on, for every time I’ve encouraged someone else through dark days, through every moment of this journey, I now feel I have somehow betrayed their trust.

I know, rationally, that this is not true, but I also know how I have felt about other people leaving the circle of infertility and moving on.

I admit, on rare occasions, I have stopped following people who moaned about their pregnancy after struggling for so long. I admit that I have skipped over scan photos because it was too difficult for me to share the joy. I admit I have felt envy for other people’s success in the face of my own failure.

It is hard.

And now, I am upset that I can’t magic everybody pregnant right now, just so we can all share the ride.

I want to apologise, in advance, for posting so much about this part of the journey, which for me hasn’t even started, but that on a daily basis is going to amaze and distract me from everything else in life, and that I completely understand if you just skip past all my posts because they are just too annoying.

I probably would too.

Rx

9 thoughts on “An Apology”

  1. Please don’t feel bad or guilty! I’m sure I mentioned it before – I had 5 miscarriages – The 2 before my first were the worst – I just felt like my body wouldn’t do it. But – I just think our bodies know if everything is right or not. I ended up having 4 healthy kids so I thank God for watching our for me and those little ones. Please take care.

  2. We are here for you no matter what Rose so don’t feel bad. I know why you do though, I feel it too. But please know how much we all want this for you xx

  3. No apologies, Rose. That is the double-edge of this sisterhood – no no one wants to be here and we all want to leave, but we want us all to leave together. And it’s hard on both sides …seeing others leave and leaving others behind. It’s just what it is. I’ve felt at you have about reading other’s blogs – and we all understand on both sides. Never apologize for the good that is coming your way. We are all hoping that for everyone. Definitely hard when it’s not yourself, but we all understand that life goes on for all of us on a different track. God has a different plan for each of us. but NO GUILT! Just enjoy. You’ve sown in enough tears to reap in joy. xo

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